The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I spoke with my husband and the other woman this morning separately and they both told me the same thing. They met at a truck stop (she is also a truck driver) and exchanged numbers. She doesn't live in out state and haven't seen each other since they met, but talk for several hours each day while both of them are on the road. They talked about their families, problems...
Last year I started talking to a male co-worker. He was really there for me when I was falling apart and my marriage was starting to fall apart. He never judged me or told me what to do. He always listened and paid attention to me. We began having an affair. I felt so close to him. I felt confused. I knew I would never be with him in a relationship, but we considered each other best friends. He was good to my children and he and my husband got along. He quit coming around when the affair began. Here was this attractive, wonderfully sane, educated man who knew what it was to treat a woman well and validate my feelings. When I left my husband in October, we stopped the affair because my feelings for him and confusion over my husband were making me very sick.
He has continued to be a good friend and listen to me. My husband knows that he is a wonderful friend; although he doesn't know the rest. This morning he said he felt he hadn't done anything wrong. He had just talked to this female and felt like he had made a good friend he could talk to. I told him how much it hurt me that he turned to someone else to share with and confide in. He asked "Isn't that what you have done and continue to do?" I stopped...he was right. I think him sharing his heart with another woman hurt more than if he had slept with her. I know now that I have hurt my husband the same as if he had know about the affair.
The woman called him this afternoon and with me standing there he apologized to both of us. He had lied to her and told her we were separated and that he was in rehab (don't I wish). He apologized to her for lying to her and leading her on and apologized to me for his actions and for keeping secrets. He told her he would not call her back because he didn't want to hurt his marriage any more than he had already and he changed his phone number when he got off the phone with her.
I don't know how I feel about his behavior other than hurt. I know that I have caused hurt to my husband, the other man and myself with my behavior. I have no right to judge anyone. I know that my husband loves me. I know he would never leave us. I felt betrayed. I felt like I was being "rejected by a reject" I know that my turning to another man for comfort, love, companionship, sex...I betrayed my husband whether he knows it or not.
I love my husband. He is at another NA meeting tonight, his third in as many days. I can see that he is really trying. I don't know if he will stick with it, but I know that my HP is watching over him. He keeps telling me he is trying to change himself into the man that I want and need. I told him today that I love him the way he is, the true him, not the addiction. All I want is for him to be clean, healthy and happy. The rest will come in time.
I have a lot of work to do on myself. Thanks for listening and I hope ya'll don't think too poorly of me, but I know my HP will forgive me. I hope I can forgive myself.
Powerless - can you give yourself the break you would give any of us? I completely understand the spouse of an active a having an affair. I don't think it's a good idea, I don't recommend etc, but I totally get it. Living with my active a husband, I feel like I have about half a spouse a lot of the time. I feel like that at the time I need a whole spouse, so I can see looking to fill in the missing half. I know it doesn't work that way. But the concept is there for me.
This sounds like such a turning point for your family. Good for you! ---Jill
I hope this takes a load off your concience and I hope all the best with this latest turn of events.
Nobody here checks in to take your inventory or make judgements. In the short time I have been here I have seen nothing but compassion amoungst this family.
Take care of you and check your PM...
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
What an awesome testimony to your recovery! Not only have you been able to recognize a defect for yourself, you have been able to share that with the rest of us. Understand that is a privilege for us. Thank you.
I too, in my first marriage, fell hook, line and sinker for the fellow who made me feel validated and like a queen. It was pretty easy as my hubby was quite crass in his verbal abuse of me. I really detested myself for quite awhile after I decided that wasn't who I wanted to be. Thank God for Al-Anon in helping me see how the affects leads us into distorted thinking and actions as well. You are not alone in any of this. Just remember, we do have the Courage To Change!
Thank you for your share. A fewmonths ago, I had an incredible urge for one night to find somebody to be intimate with, someone that I would not care if it was all a lie, someone who would have no reason to lie to me. I stayed home, it was a hard decision. If I had a person I respected who knew my situation well, that I trusted who wanted to I would have had an affair at that time. I understand. Be gentle with yourself and take care.
Glad you got that off your chest, now you keep keep moving forward in your recovery. The more you unburden yourself, the better you will feel and keep recovering.
Just remember when you get to making ammends, you do not have to tell him if you think it will do more harm than good. IE: make him go back full bore and fall away from his program.
Keep your lines of comminications open with your hubby. And dettach with LOVE!
You confessed to who matters and to Alanon your defect of character and that is all the program says to do.
Hang in there.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
My husband did the same thing- I had married a recovering alcoholic, and he did not drink for I believed, ten years. But when his missing daughter was not found after four, and then was found murdered, his drinking started again. We had gone through the trial and it all turned out as we had prayed for, but T has turned to alcohol again and doesn't see that he has a problem. When things were really stressed in our home, a couple of years ago, just before the trial, T found a woman on-line and began a friendship that then became a phone friendship. It was a deception that has hurt my heart so much. I gave up my life to help and support T through his tragedy, and he turned to another woman for support. I still can't get over the pain. You were lucky that he confronted her in front of you and that he said he was sorry. I believe that mine was only sorry that he was caught. At one point, her husband was killed in Irag, where he was stationed, and my husband made up some big lie about a friend of his being killed and did we have enough money for him to fly to the funneral. He was going to fly to her. We didn't have the money, and he didn't, but it was the thought that counted as a blow to me. I also turned to another for comfort, I called an old friend. It made me feel so happy for a couple of days, but the hurt is still in my heart. T gets all his e-mails at work, and calls. He recently flew to his home town and I wonder who he met. Every Friday he goes to the bar and gets drunk. His comment is, "it's only on Friday, and I need time alone for me." It is only Friday, so maybe I am being unfair. I feel like a parinoid, insecure fool, and I wish I could talk to my friend again for a short fix of happiness.
We're only 'as sick as our secrets'. You've admitted to God, to yourself and to many other human beings the nature of your 'wrong'. We are not here to take your inventory or judge you, we are here to help and support one another. I personally admire you for having the courage to recognise your 'defect' when seeing it in another. You are the one who will live with the consequences of your actions so it is not for anyone else to criticise or condemn or condone for that matter. Many will understand the reasons behind what you did.
As jrtjosey said when it comes time to make amends be aware that it is a case of 'except when to do so would injure them or others'. Your sponsor will guide you to make a decision you are comfortable with. Sometimes, making an amends can be not continuing the behaviour. You may feel it necessary to terminate this friendship at some point to prevent any possible risk of it happening again in the future, if you are truly committing to your relationship with your husband but again this is entirely your decision and it doesn't have to be made today.
I certainly identify with how hurt you feel that your A shared his heart with someone other than you. When it happened to me I also felt in some ways that it was worse than if he'd had 'meaningless sex'. Mind you, I'd personally also have issues if my partner had sex with anyone else, meaningless or otherwise while we were still in a relationship! I hope you can work this through and forgive yourself. It sounds to me like your A was responsible for cleaning up his mess and dealt with it voluntarily and maturely. I would take some comfort in this. My A used to look at me all bewildered, like I was being unreasonable and as if he wanted me to tell him what I wanted him to do to 'fix' it.
I too feel privileged that you have shared something so personal with us and I hope you can be gentle on yourself. Keep working your recovery and know I wish you well.
(((((powerless))))) i am "always" on my a-husband for the lie telling. "always" telling him i can't trust him because he lies to me. i am so stuck, unable to move forward because of all the past lies. yet just the other day, he asked me a question and wouldn't you know, i didn't tell him a truthful answer. yes, i guess i should call it what it was, a lie. i didn't want to get into it with him, and i didn't want him putting it in my face that somethings that are ok for me aren't the same for him, it was easier. i later ever justify (to myself) that maybe it wasn't a lie. i find it so odd about myself that a defect in him that i am so focused on needing changed, i have the same defect. i too see so much work to be done on myself. thanks for sharing your story, it really helps me so see that i am not alone. good luck to you.
I guess that the disease of alcoholism affects us all, we all do things that we aren't proud of and things we wish we could take back or change. I do not condone affairs I know the sting of being the one who is betrayed. But I got to tell you that I am not a saint and therefore can not judge you or anyone else.
Unfortunely I haven't learned that yet in my daily life but I know that I need to get a hold of that concept, I truly believe that what you do is between you and HP, so I try to remind myself that I shouldn't be angry at people and making judgements about them, I wish that I could say that I do this well but I don't.
I am glad that you and your husband worked through this and that you are at least feeling clearer about the situation. I also hope that someday you can forgive yourself, I think it is clear that you feel the error that you made when you had the affair and that because you knew it was wrong and that I'm assuming you don't ever want to repeat it, your HP has forgiven you and that it is time you forgive yourself.
You have been a great support to me and others on this board. We don't judge, we're hear to listen and edify this program and our committment to recovery. I can only say that I feel your pain as it is still a raw pain for me. I myself had a fleeting thought of running to an old friend or having an affair as well, but I couldn't muster up the energy to do it. My HP intervened and helped me understand and eye for an eye would not help and for me to stay true to my heart.
I do believe couple's can heal from infidelity, I believe its the calling of our marriages to lay it all out on the table and allow each other to heal, but I agree you will know when its time for you to make amends. I've learned alot about forgiveness this last couple of weeks, and have come to understand that without forgiveness of ourselves and each other, healing cannot happen. You will be in my prayers. Stay strong.
Hugs to you,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I so admire your courage and honesty. We are all human and do things we are not proud of. It takes a very big person to admitt them out loud and to seek forgivness, not from others but from ourselves and our HP.
While I don't condone affairs. I know all too well what it is like to be lonely and afraid, to want to feel like not just a Mom, or an employee, but a woman. Being married to an A is tough. We often get the constraints of marriage, without the security, the love, the comfort and the companionship. I watch couples doing things with their families, holding hands and being affectionate with each other and I feel so enviouse. I would love to walk around a park with my husband, to walk on the beach holding hands. I would love to sit quietly on the couch and be held, or to dance with him, enjoy a nice dinner out. Sit in a movie with his arm around me. I would love a normal life.
When ever we have had a function to go to, a Wedding or something of the sort. I would get dressed up. With six kids, I don't do that often. I would shop for a really nice dress, takes special pains with my hair and makeup and be excited about letting him see how I looked. He never said anything other than are you ready. I would ask him how I looked and he would say fine. I once asked him why he never said I looked nice and he said I would tell you if you didn't. Then he said it isn't his way to make a fuss. Then we would get to the affair and he would proceed to tell every woman there how great she looked. He would then be on the dance floor making sure he danced with everyone from 5 to 90, everyone but me. He would tell me he was making them feel good. Meanwhile me his Wife sat at the table or danced with the person who felt sorry for me being left there all alone. Other people would tell me how great I looked, and it meant nothing to me, because my husband didn't seem to notice. If they told him, he would make a comment like what do you expect, I married her didn't I. Many a party, I went quietly to the ladies room and cried.
My own feelings get jumbled and I think my reactions are weird. When another man pays attention to me or tells me how pretty I am, I get angry, not at him, but at my husband. I feel like why can't he be the one telling me I look wonderful. the horrible part is that if I gain 5 pounds, my husband will tell me my butt is looking bigger. If one hair is out of place he will tell me to fix my hair. I have long straight hair with bangs, I really don't do anything with it, so it ususaly looks the same. If I wear something stylish or unusual he tells me I look like a "geek" or asks why I am wearing it. Most of the time he says nothing, but the only comments he makes about my appearance is to critisize. Every now and then he will see something in a catalogue and tell me it might look nice on me. If I get it, I almost always here, oh,it looked better on the model.
The really horrible part is that I have always considered him a nice looking man. Over the years his hair has gotten grayer and he has gained some weight. He has scars on his stomach from surgery and on his arms from surgery. There are things that have sagged, and there are so many unhealthy things about him, the yellow eyes, the bloat and the veins from his drinking. But it never stopped me from thinking he is attractive. When I look at him, I still see the twenty something I fell in love with. The signs of age are there, but I don't care, he still looks good to me. The bad part is when I tell him he tells me I'm lying. That he looks older. Okay so do I, we all age. I guess he can't see that, even in himself.
I can fully understand how someone could want someone to treat them special, to treat them like a woman and to make them feel beautiful. With so many kids and a full time job, I never had the time or energy to look. I don't know if I would, I can say no, but until presented with a situation, I can't say never, and I won't judge someone else for seeking some happiness.
You are very right. Your HP has forgiven you, now forgive yourself.
This had to be so difficult for you to say. I am proud of you for being so honest. Now you take the next step and move on. I'm glad you and your husband were able to talk and to talk with the "other" woman. Maybe when you look at your situation you will be able to be more understanding of him. This will be a long hard road, but when have people like us ever taken a smooth short road? I wish for you the best. Take care of you!!! You are very special.
