The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
.... I wonder if that applies to kids at heart (... me ...)
So I set up an apointment with a mariage councelor for next week. I told my wife about it and she didn't say much except that she's been saying that forever.... the phrase I heard was '... if you drag me to a councelor, I will rip you a new one in there ...'
Anyway... she asked me at lunch today if I went to a meeting, and I told her no. So she asked if I went to the one on Tuesday... I said yes - and she blew up!
Said she thought we were going to the councelor instead. I know I didn't say that, but did I imply that somehow or is she deciding to weasle out on our appointment by being mad? <aghhhhh>
I simply told her that the appointment was for us, the group meetings are for me. They are 2 seperate things. Went back to work.
That's progress for me. I used to try and be right... you know (bark bark bark - but but but)
One day at a time... LOL
You guys/gals take care!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Good for you in not obsessing about her reaction.... I hope this doesn't sound defeatist, but I would also encourage you not to get your hopes up too much with regard to your joint counselling session... There is typically limited value in these sessions with an active A.... And please ensure your counsellor is well trained in addictions counselling, or she will "play him/her like a fiddle".
Just my experience and opinion.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Canadian guy seems to have had experience on both sides of the counseling.
I too have seen my wife play counselors like fiddles.
But, she was going to one counselor who did specialize in addictions. He supposedly told her that I was controlling (which isn't a surprising pre/early program Alanoner behavior). She thought I was going to have my head handed to her. Instead he heard what I was saying, said that I appeared to be taking some responsibility for my actions and that maybe my A should take the booze off the table. That would allow me to not focus as she thought I was on the alcohol but instead on the other problems.
She said she could stop at any time. He said good then stop and then we can work on the other stuff. She finally said she didn't want to. She then didn't want me to go to any other appointments.
I was seeing a counselor that did family/marraige and addictions counseling. I told him my wife wanted to see him so he could here her side of the story. His answer was that would be pointless to include my wife as long as she was still active. She didn't believe me. Funny thing is, he replied in an email. She was kinda cut off at the pass on that one. LOL
Having seen them both, I don't want a counselor anymore who is not trained on addictions, the effect of both the active and the family members.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I know that feeling of wanting to defend myself and be right. Man it got me into trouble everytime. It's hard for me to swallow back my words but I'm realizing that we can do this one up one down dance for hours if we were allowed. This does nothing for us, we get angry and frustrated and end up saying something hurtful. I think its awesome you simply let her know that counseling and Alanon are separate for you. No point in clarifying it and helping her to see something she is not ready to see.
I'm learning to put my feelings out there simply without rambling, finish my comment and leave it alone. I am seeing progress in my "a", it has given him time to chew on my words and he has come back a day or so later and said, I understand how you feel, I'm sorry or whatever he has to say. It totally diffuses the situation and puts it back on them. Thanks for the reminder and testimony that taking care of our needs and not forcing it our point of view on others truly works. Have a great day.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Hi Canadianguy! I so agree! The only time my A husband and I went to joint counselling it was a disaster! She just didn't address the drinking at all and I felt betrayed in the same way i felt betrayed by the disease at the heart of everything that was wrong with our marriage!
(That marriage was dissolved eventually and he has since passed on--but I still had masses to do in the recovery program for myself, and I did--but not with THAT counsellor!)
I'm sure there are good counsellors out there that DO know about substance abuse and recovery, and the family dynamics thereof. It's important to ask for that when you are looking for one.
