I would imagine that the reasons for cheating are varied depending on the indivdual.  Maybe this is wrong, but doesn't it seem somewhat likely that in some instances they are simply seeking out their own kind rather that trying to appear normal.  Doesn't an A want to be around another A or at least someone who will drink, drug, etc., with them and not give them a hassle?  My AW has never given me the least suspicion that she is or wants to cheat, but she does want me to drink with her.  It seems like some A's want that more than anything as it is verification of acceptance of their condition.  Just a thought.

Juster

Hi,

I think different people react different ways and I think that goes for A's as well.

I know my husband has been horribly verbally abusive yet he never has physically assaulted the kids or I. He is not a violent man. I have never been in fear for our safety on that issue. I fear for our safety with him behind the wheel as he thinks it is fine to drive drunk. I have also never seen any sign that he was unfaithful. He has had situations where woman from teh bar have approached him and tried to cause problems between us, and he has told them he was married and made it clear he was not available, no matter how drunk he is. There have also been occasions where his parents have wanted to get him a date to an affair while we where seperated adn I wouldn't go with him. He also refused saying he is married. I truly believe with all my heart that he does not cheat and would not. It is not part of him.

I hear people saying their A's go to work every day and provide for the family. Mine will not work, and seems to not be able to hold a job.

I think a lot of the symptoms of this disease have a lot to do with the persons personality. If they are prone to cheating, being drunk might help them excuse it. If they are prone to physica violence again being drunk can escolate or excuse it in their minds. If they are reckless, as mine is, again being drunk can escolate or to them excuse it and the same with laziness.

I know in my mind and my marriage, unfaithfullness would be a deal breaker. I'm not excusing the verbal abuse, I hate it and am having a hard time getting past or forgiving it, but I could not stay with a man who has wandered outside our marriage. I myself would feel violated. I also could not accept being beat or having my children beat. Don't get me wrong, I excuse a whole lot of other things and tend to let alcoholism jusitfy it.

I have friends who's husbands are not A's and have cheated. Some have managed to put the affair behind them, and have stronger marriages, some haven't.  I think it is what each one of us a person is willing to tolerate or work past.

To me if you lay your hands on me in violence, you are gone. Also all my life, if I was in a relationship with anyone, and that person went with someone else while we where still together, (even seperated) I was done. I could not ever go back. Maybe I would have that picture in my mind forever, maybe I am not strong enough.

Even seperated, I am married. I am not free to date or engage in a relationship with another man. I expect no less form my husband,until the day we decide we are done for good and should each go our seperate ways.

Every one of us is different, every A is different. We all have to live with our own choices and decsions. It is not my place to judge what anotehr will tolerate, nor theirs to judge me. I have to get up and look at myslef int eh mirror every day. I have to d what makes me able to face myself, we all do.

So are these things symptoms of Alcoholism. In a way yes. I think while there are many traits common to A's, the disease manifests itself to fit the personality of the person suffering from it. I think the adaptability of it, is what makes it so confusing, so strong and so dangerouse.

Just my opinion.

                                                      Love Jeannie