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Oh man - it just gets worse. Of course, trying to have the courage of my convictions, I was conned back in last night. He said he's not going to go on the system looking for women anymore and proceeds to tell me all about the women that he's spoken with and how they finally admit that they are overweight or have some other problem, and he's not interested. It's like half of him wants me to be his confidante about his previous infidelity and what he is continuing to do (it still is infidelity because even though we're now living next door to each other we have never truly ended the relationship). He's playing single, but he's not really single, and that's how he justifies it.
Anyway - I have a confession to make that I'm not proud of, but I have access to his place, and I have gone in and found the book with all the numbers and mailboxes of the women he has been speaking to (to see what type of relationship he has actually been looking for, etc. and to check out how much time he spends on this system). I have told him that I know everything, and he's gotten a little angry that I seem to know so much, but hasn't quizzed me on exactly how I know. Yesterday, his VISA came in the mail (since I still take care of the bills), and sure enough - less than a week ago, when he found out I knew so much - he signed up with another one and I told him last night that I knew about it too. He gets a little angry at my knowing so much, but doesn't seem to dwell on it for long. He just asks that his bills be put in his mailbox and he'll take care of the payments.
He swore he was never going to do it again, but again I wanted to be sure (because this makes me crazy when I'm involved and the trust issue is so delicate). I snuck over there this morning when he had left for work - to try to find out his new information and I couldn't find his large binder anywhere. I looked high and low, but I'm guessing that he's gonna make sure I'm not privy to it this time, and he must have taken it to work with him. His daughter was supposed to be at work too, but she'd come home sick. I heard her coming through the front door, and made an exit out the back, but I know she heard me because she came to the back door and opened it. I was still out there with my dog, but she didn't say anything about it to me, yet I knew that she knew I was in there and she'll mention it to him tonight. I know he's gonna confront me on this and I'm scared, because he's already said that what he does is HIS business (since he's now single - ha) and how would I like it if he went through my stuff.
On one hand, I don't really care. He set the bar for mistrust in the first place, and I still feel as though I'm in the driver's seat, after all he's done. I'm prepared for this to be over (at any given moment) and if this makes him angry enough to end it - it could be the best thing that's ever happened, but I'm still apprehensive and will be all day.
I had told him that last night that I didn't want him around me - that I didn't want to have to try to find out what he was doing - that I didn't want to have to keep finding out the truth, when there were continual lies. I told him that I didn't want to see him or communicate with him at all (this is when the con job started). I don't wanna be with someone whom I can't trust - checking his things to be sure I don't find anything. That's not how I want to live my life, but I HATE LIES & DECEPTION more than anything else!
So - he either hid the book really well - or took it with him to work and to me this is an indication in itself that he plans to CONTINUE THIS BEHAVIOR - he's just planning to be more careful about it!
I'm scared of his wrath of finding out that I was over there, and even if I have an excuse - like I left something over there - I know he's not gonna believe me. Oh this sucks. This is what infidelity causes - what a ripple effect! I hate myself for feeling compelled to check up on someone, but I hate finding that I'm right too! I also believe that if you continue to play someone after you've been unfaithful that you give that person a right to do whatever they need to - to stop feeling insecure about it - am I wrong in doing this?
If I had ended it last night, which I went over to make clear, when he asked if I'd come and talk to him for 5 minutes, I wouldn't have gone over today. That's the thing. If it is really over, then I don't need to check any more and can move on with my own life. What a mess!
Why is the letting their business be their business so hard for us? I can't stand lies!!! My ah hasn't cheated on me that I know of, but that would drive me so crazy!! He lies about other things that I feel compelled to try and find the truth about. It is the same concept though. I have been doing less checking up on him and then he had the audacity to tell me the other night that I'm just not caring anymore--I thought how does he know what is going on in my head or heart (he can't even know what's in his head). Anyway I found myself checking up on him the other night because I knew he was lying to me and I wanted to know the truth. After digging in the trash and digging althrough out his shop I was just walking around shaking my head and asking myself and who is the crazy one again????
I can't make you feel any more secure about the likelly upcoming confrontation. I don't know what your husband is like whether he gets violent or not, but just be careful!!!
I would suggest you tell him that if he wants you out of his business then he handle all his business. You no longer take care of his bills or anything else for him. If he really wants it to work there can be other women at all and he will have to prove that there are no women. (That will be hard to do)
Anyway--I'm not sure any of this is helpful I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and I'm sorry you are going through this! Try to take care of you and stay busy so you can't think about it.
"...I'm scared of his wrath of finding out that I was over there..."
If you are scared he will be physical... take care of that. Have friends over, or be ready to leave... don't take chances and take care of you.
"... I also believe that if you continue to play someone after you've been unfaithful that you give that person a right to do whatever they need to - to stop feeling insecure about it - am I wrong in doing this? ..."
I think there is a difference between what is wrong and what helps you be the person you want to be. Wrong... you have a key, you own that building, right?
Here is a question... do you feel better having done it? Is it helping your recovery? What if you had found the book and found nothing new... is that progress or have any real meaning?
I've done similar things, so I am not passing judgement or giving advise. I know each time I do something like that it upset me more than it helps me.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I can empathize with what you are going through. It's hard situation when trust has been broken. I'd like to believe my "a" is going to be trustworthy and I have forgiven him but I have not forgotten. I watch his actions, I listen, I ask questions, I check things out for myself. He understands that I'm extra sensitive right now because trust has to be rebuilt and it takes a while. My recovery is very important to me, my healing is essential to my self -esteem. I want to become strong enough to stand by my boundaries. Ask yourself how you felt after you went into his apartment? I think knowing the truth is important, you may not get the truth from him right now, but maybe asking HP for revelation of the truth would be beneficial.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there, your healing is on the way.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Rtexas - you are right - it doesn't feel good. It only feels as though I am preparing myself for NOT being deceived. If I know it already, I won't be so shocked. I even know that it stems from being a child of divorce in the early 70's when divorce was not so common and it was like being hit with a brick between the eyes. There were never any fights, we were a happy, busy family and BAM - RIGHT IN THE KISSER! I've had trust issues ever since, and of course I seem to always get involved with people who aren't trustworthy, and I'm compelled to be prepared for the worst, while hoping for the best. I was not armed with this as a child. I wish I never had to be (and that is one of my biggest issues).
I know if I had good self-esteem, I would not need to do it. It's just that he's been SO convincing - so many times, and been lying through his teeth. I just can't get my head around that. As I said - I feel compelled to do this, as long as I'm supposed to believe and trust him. If I could call this relationship completely quits once and for all - I would be able to let this compulsion go!
It's just this feeling of being caught in a maze and trying to find my way out - but after a while, I'm not sure what I would find if I did get out.
I am sorry that you are going through this and I sincerely feel for you. If my AW's behavior is normal for an A, then I have to say that all A's are liars. When it comes to their addiction and all of the ancillary issues, you just cannot trust them. One of my issues with my A was hidding bottles and telling me there were none in the house. I used to search everywhere to find them, and I would, even though she would swear there were none hidden. I finally told her, if you are going to continue to drink, then just do it in front of me honestly and leave the bottles in the cabinet. Well, she does that now, but I know there are still bottles of hard liquor hidden somewhere so that when she really needs a hard hit, she can do it without me being critical. Soooo, even though I have given my consent for her to have bottles in the house, she still continues to lie about this issue. I have given up trying to find them and don't even worry about it anymore, because I know they are there, and I know she will always lie about it. I pray that your confrontation will not be anywhere near as bad as you think it might be. Best wishes.
I pay all the bills (ever since my husband snorted $11K from our 2nd mortgage up his nose & admitted his addiction in Nov.)
I receive his credit report on-line & any time he does anything that reflects it, they send me an alert.
I called several credit card companies & cancelled his cards.
I have been tempted to check his cell phone address book but figure why? I know all his drug buddies are in there, I don't need confirmation.
I have gone through his wallet for receipts and cash. He has no access to cash - not even his own paycheck...so where does he get his money to do cocaine. I can't figure that one out yet. I call the credit card companies to get transaction history every few days...nothing. Maybe he is dealing, maybe not. Regardless...I am getting the heck out.
Thanks Again for listening, sharing & being supportive. God Bless Us All!
