The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Something really cool happened to me today while I was at my f2f meeting. This is a new homegroup for me. I have gone the past 3 weeks, so I am still missing my old home group as many of you can relate. I didn't move - it was more of a schedule change that necessitated the home group change. Anyways...
It was my turn to share today and I just couldn't form a complete sentence, I was so distracted that I became horribly embarassed and passed. I sat there and listened very carefully to the discussion about Live and Let Live. As people around the room shared it occurred to me that I was so worried about what I was saying and trying to look good to my group members that I had lost focus, once again on myself! I thought that any time I stepped into a room of Alanon that I would feel safe and comfortable and welcome. What I forgot was that I still carry that ego around with me as well. Looking good to these new alanuts was more important to me than I had been consciously aware of. WOW what a realization
This is a very large group and in the hour and a half meeting I have rarely seen everyone get the chance to share. I noticed when there were only a few people left that there were still 20 minutes left in the meeting. It occurred to me at that point that if I got the chance to share again I would and I would just dump me ego right there in the meeting. My hp must have been laughing his head off! With about 5 minutes left in the meeting the chairperson asked if there were any burning desires. I raised my hand like a school girl and asked if I could have one more chance at sharing. The group welcomed me and I shared about how I am always so well spoken outside of the meeting and that I was still uncomfortable in this meeting. That I feared them not accepting me at the same time recognizing how silly that was. I really just let go of my ego and let them in. I have to make the first steps in building that trust. First by showing up at the meeting and secondly by being honest. I am in charge of my recovery, no one else can crawl into my brain and interpret what I am thinking. So I need to just set my "looking good" aside and be real with the only people who can really understand me in the first place.
I felt such a weight lifted off of my shoulders! I can't forget that just because I walk into a room of Alanon doesn't mean I will automatically act like myself - my real self. I am still learning how to trust and who I am. Some of you may not like me and that has to be ok, but I know you will all love me as few other can :o)
Mahalo Sparkette for this second time you got to share. I also suffer from Easing God Out from time to time and for the same reasons that you have shared. If I pray "make me an instrument only" the share becomes an honest passing on of what was so freely given to me in early recovery and guided by the will of my HP. I am grateful for those lessons and your post. Jerry F (((((((hugs)))))))
Been There, Done That, bought the T-shirt, AND the sweatshirt !
Though I didn't realize it until way after the meeting so a hugh You GROW girl ! for figuring it out so quick. That says something about your own progress me thinks.
It helped me to read this and also to read Jerry's reply. Suffering from Easing God Out. Hmmm...that hit me for some reason. I think it's time to do one of my breathing exercises I learned in f2f........
Breath God in........ Exhale Bob out.
For some reason that really works for me at least it relaxes me and seems to put me in a better place.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
