The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks to my pink toenails and fingernails I got through today with my focus where it needed to be. The pink reminded me of my program. My husband woke up this morning and was very ill tempered. He was angry that he quit his job and blamed me. He said I made him quit. I wanted to slap him, but I thought "Oh, he is so sick!" He decided not to go to detox today. He is at an NA meeting now. He said that the recovery center has him on a waiting list for intensive OP treatment. He wants to find a job driving a truck and has whined all day that his career is over. This isn't the same person who seemed so desparate last night is it? You remember? The one who begged for help. I didn't buy into any of it. I looked for a job for myself. I prepared a resume that I thinks looks pretty good. It was so beautiful and warm today so I took the baby to the park and read some literature. I started to feel like I was losing it so I left him with the kids and gave myself a time out in the bedroom. I have a headache, but at least it's not from screaming. I feel like I am doing something wrong. I feel like I am biting my tongue. I feel like by keeping quiet about my feelings and not doing the usual, it will build up inside of me until I explode. I have not engaged with him at all or lectured, screamed, cried, yelled...He keeps staring at me like he's waiting for the explosion. I can't make him get help, but I really wanted to throw something at him today or hit him when he said he was just going to go to NA. But hey, not my problem and at least he's going to meetings. He wasn't doing that a month ago. I keep telling myself it's not my problem, but every time I say it I get angry. I am so exhausted I feel like I could sleep for days, maybe a bit depressed. THere's a lot on my mind lately. I miss my daughter. I'm going to play some games on the computer and let my brain veg out a little.
Powerless, it is exhausting living with an A, or chemically dep. person, especially with kid situation like you have. You are doing great! You took care of yourself and baby today! We are all going to have bad days, then we pick ourselves back up! For me, coming here or in the chatroom to vent work wonders, too.
These slogans have been helping me get through. One day at a time....you did so good today! This too shall pass. Your anger, frustration and the verbal exploding only sap more of your precious energy. Breathe...focus on you.
Exhausted...Pink finger and toe nails huh? I've tried alot of recovery suggestions that have worked but not pink finger and toe nails. Ummmm I wonder if my wife would mind. Actually when I got in to the Family Groups I was soooooo sick and knew it and knew that I wanted to survive, that if they had told me I had to roll a potato thru a major intersection in town, with my nose during rush-hour traffic, I would have done it. Anything!!
No one in their right mind in this program could judge your recovery today. We are all trudging the path and will never be cured and that includes especially, our alcoholics or alcoholic addicts.
You know what was suggested to me in early recovery that is good for stuffing feelings and holding on by my fingernails instead of killing the alcoholic? Get a sponsor, someone you can trust who has good recovery you can learn from. Just a suggestion and maybe a bit more useful than pink, though it might keep you in the pink.
You did fine today. You did normal for being a wife of an addict. Your situation isn't great or the white picket fence life you may have dreamed about having but for the disease of addiction? It is normal. You don't have to like it. Most times its better learning to accept the fact of it and deciding what you can do about it. Sound like some of what you did today huh? Good job. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
