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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> New Here - Not sure how to help family member, need advice
Post Info TOPIC: New Here - Not sure how to help family member, need advice
Cinnamonwdh


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New Here - Not sure how to help family member, need advice
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Hi there, my husband’s father is a self-admitted alcoholic and I am not sure what I can do to help him, or to help my husband for that matter and I am looking for some advice.


 


What’s happened is the father had gone into detox about a year ago and was doing alright – he was still drinking about 3 beers a day, but was no longer getting drunk and was no longer having hard alcohol.  He was keeping in touch with his counselor and things seemed to be improving.  His motivation for this was that his girlfriend was quite ill and needed him to be healthy. Unfortunately about a month ago, the girlfriend passed away and the father has now reverted to how he was before detox.  To make matters worse, the counselor he was comfortable with had his own family emergency about a week before that happened and is not available to him at this time.  He calls my husband just about every night very drunk and very negative about everything in his life.  He was going to go into detox after the funeral, but has since changed his mind. 


 


My husband is at a loss as to what to do – he doesn’t know if he should entertain the late night phone calls or tell the father not to call him when he’s drunk (that’s what his brother did).  As you can probably relate, these phone calls are very stressful to my husband as he has no idea how to help his father.  I want the father to feel that he can call us if he needs our help, so it’s hard to tell him “no more” – but what’s happening is not helping him, or my husband.


 


I’ve suggested to my husband that while his father is sober during the day (he is positive about his life during these conversations), to tell his father how the phone calls are making him feel.  But I’m not sure if that would cause defensiveness and cause the father to feel we are abandoning him.  Any suggestions?  I’ve never had to deal with anything like this before and I haven’t any idea what is in the father’s best interest for us to do!


 


Thank you.



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rtexas


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You are right... it's not helping either of them (or you).  You are in the right place.  Welcome!


What you suggest is reasonable.  People here will talk of setting a boundry.  Your H boundry could be don't call me if you are loaded.   He is obviously stressed about his loss, but if he was having 'real' issues and would have the capacity to call your husband, he could also call 911, or a support organization.


Stick around, there is a wealth of information and caring people here.  I am just a newbie. <grin>


Take care of you.



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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
just me


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Welcome to MIP!!!  The first thing we learn is the 3 C's.  You did not cause it.  You cannot control it and you cannot cure it.  You can only learn to cope with it.  This is a family disease.  It affects all of us.  We are told to try 6 face to face meetings.  Listen and learn.  You will find hope here. 


 


You are in the right place, keep coming back!


 


Julia



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mebjk


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Hello, Cinna,


We are so glad you have found us!  The questions you ask are just like the kind of questions we all ask when we find Alanon.  In Alanon, we do not give advice.  We simply share our experience, strength, and hope with each other.  I was/am surrounded by alcoholics in my family and in my work.  The only thing that has helped me with this is Alanon.  The 12 Steps will change your life is you work them.  If you can - and I highly suggest this - find a good face to face meeting, and get a sponsor, someone else who is working the steps themselves and can help you work the steps.  The Steps are miracles!  They have helped me to learn that I can't change anyone else but myself, and they have also taught me how to let go of the inevitable resentment I felt from trying to change someone else's behavior, especially when that person is under the power of an addiction.


Keep coming back!  It works!  Your being here helps each one of us with our program in Alanon, too.


Blessings,


mebjk



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mebjk
jrtjosey


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You can't help him, but you can help you and your husband learn to cope by learning Alanon.


Welcome and keep coming back!


Josey



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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Jill


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3 words: Caller I D

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Powerless


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Cinna,


Welcome!  We are glad to have you.  Is it possible for you and your husband to attend some face to face alanon meetings (in person?)  They would surely help both of you.  We often speak of setting boundaries.  Another thing we learn is that when we much approach the alcoholic/addict in our lives it is best to do so when they are sober.  When they are drinking or drugging they can not hear what we have to say.  We also learn that their addiction is none of our business...no matter how much we love them.  We can let them know we will be supportive if they ever want help. Can you show your husband this site and both of you read prior postings?  There is a wealth of information here if you want it.  Please, keep coming back.



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nycbt


~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.


 



            Phone number is 1-888-425-2666


Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.



  • Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

  • post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

·        Set support system.  people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.



  • Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.
You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
debilyn


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Believe me, the dad knows he is not pleasant to talk to when he is using.


There is nothing wrong with putting up boundaries. It is not your responsibility to gauge how it affects dad. I would say, I love you dad, please call us only when you are sober. He will totally understand.


He will take that better than,"don't call when you are drunk dad."


Everyone else told ya perfect stuff.


I wanted to say I am so sad for Dad. He really must be hurting. He has lost someone very important to him, and now the disease takes this opportunity to go full boar.


It is so sad becuz as long as he drinks his grief to a coma, he will never get better. The grief will always be there hurting him.


Listening to a drunk does no good for anyone, just like you said. It is better if you all stick to please call me only when you are sober dad.


Alcoholism is a disease and Dad is very, very sick. One thing, as you see now, the disease will pull you all into it too. I am glad you are here asking for help so soon in the process.


I hope you and husband will go to alanon meetings. They can help so much. Literature is grea too.


This message board is wonderful as is the chat room. There are meetings in the chat room too.


Anyway glad you are here, keep coming back. love,debilyn



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abbyal


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Hello cinna , great suggestions your getting here and I agree with them all, I hope your husb will try Al-Anon for himself ,perhaps u could go to gether. It is perfectly ok to say to him please call me when you haven't been drinking dad and hang up because of course dad will deny it, nature of the disease.
We have a saying here that has helped me alot SAY WHAT U MEAN -MEAN WHAT U SAY BUT DON'T BE MEAN WHEN U SAY IT. You have a right to say how the late nite calls are upsetting you then let it go.
You cannot help him other than to treat him with respect and accept that the problem is his to fix and u will learn here in this prog to set some healthy boundaries with your father in law. in other word u will learn to accept him as he is and love him anyway. good luck Louise
Perhaps your husband would come into the chat room here , we have several men who frequent the room and he will get some insite to help him understand his dad better.

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> New Here - Not sure how to help family member, need advice