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Yesterday he took one more step down the ladder! He has been off of alcohol since September, last week he asked me if I thought he had a swig of whiskey that would help him shake off the craving for the drug he can't give up. I told him he ought to think about that and I didn't think it would work.
Well yesterday he was going to a friend's house so I asked him for a kiss before he left, he leaned in and turned his mouth away so I would kiss his cheek. I smiled and no I want a kiss, so he leaned in and went the other way--well by this time I could smell it. I looked at him he smiled and leaned down and kissed me on the mouth quickly, then he smiled and said what? I said you know what. I asked what did you do? He said I snapped myself out of it!
Of course at this time I was on the phone with my sister and couldn't talk, not that he really wanted to anyway. So he left and I talked on the phone. When he came back we had a talk. I said what are you doing. He said he was trying to break the cycle evidentally the drug has gotten pretty bad. I knew he was probably using everyday, but I couldn't figure out where he was getting the money and he wasn't coming home high--he was pushing away from me, but his eyes weren't glassy and I couldn't see those definite unquestionable signs you know. Anyway. So now he has picked up the bottle again. Says it was just for yesterday. Honestly I think he has himself believing that! He thinks he just helped himself.
I told him I was scared and I just didn't like what was coming. He asked me what was coming. I think he assumed I'd say something you are going to have to leave or I am going to leave or something like that. I just looked at him and said your death. You are dying, you are killing yourself and I am watching you do it. It just makes me so sad. If you had to sit around and watch someone you loved very much go through a slow and painful death it would tear you up. That's what's happening for me.
Later he was sitting there just kinda staring into space I asked him what he was doing, he said I'm just inside my head--I told him to get out of there, that definitely wasn't a safe place to be.
Today is going to be such a long day. I am going to try and stay busy and not worry about what I will find when I get home. I am more worried for my kids than for myself. They never really saw the getting high and being high--he stayed away from them with that. But with the alcohol once/if it takes over again I don't think he can do that--plus the fact that when he drinks and after it just emminates from his skin. I could smell it all night even feet away from him.
I will try to keep praying to my HP to handle it, I will try to tell myself it will work out the way it is to work out. I will try not to be sick today!!!
I am so sorry that you will be having such a long, hard day. Focus on your recovery. Just keep telling yourself that putting focus on his behavior is not going to change anything...but focusing on yours could make a difference. I have to keep telling myself that everyone is where they are suppose to be at this moment in God's world. I believe there is a plan and every crisis has something to do with His plan.
Hi hun, I really feel for you. I just wanted you to know you're not alone, you've been heard and I hope you can stay strong. You didn't say whether your A is in a program. If he is and you think it's appropriate then you could tactfully suggest that he calls a fellow member if he's struggling. They say in AA 'pick up the phone before you pick up that bottle'. Perhaps you could do the same, call your sponsor or another group member before you pick up 'stinking thinking'. My A relapsed several times in his first year in the fellowship and I came to fear the next relapse as I had feared the next drink. It was all very subtle. All I could do was work my program harder, turn my fear over to my HP, work on my faith and place my A back in the hands of his HP. I had to go back to basics. The 3 C's, The 3 A's, the slogans, the Serenity Prayer and of course the Steps (especially the first 3).
I think I've always known by intuition when the A is using. I've always known certainly when he is in withdrawal too. His irritability is a sure sign of it. I think in both states he is in no fit condition to drive or do much. At the same time that's really he's ever known since he was a teenager so how would he know sober. I doubt he's been it for long.
The A is shying away from one of his core friends (one who calms him down) whose alcoholism is coming to a head. They don't like to see what may come for them. This is a man who had a professional position and gradually lost everything. His home is under a long term threat now and he is unravelling. The A does not like to be around that but he is also a rescuer so it will be interesting for me to see how that relationship evolves and changes. The A has some really obnoxious friends most of whom's addiction/personality disorder does them in to many people.
I no longer walk around on eggshells around the A thanks to this program. This morning he was his usual irascible, uncivil mean self. I do not take it personally. I let it all run right off me. That alone is a miracle. I used to just die each day when I got that in the morning. Now I have my own plans and my own company and I rely on him for very little validation or love. After all he does not have much to give. I don't think I had very much to give back to him as long as I took it all personally.
I really don't focus that much on what the A is doing but I can't help but notice it. He said he was giving up smoking but I know from the smell in the truck (he can only smoke there not in the house) he is smoking a lot. I give the responsibility for that to him. At the same time I open the window. I do not victimize myself with the smell.
I used to try to second guess the A all the time seeing disaster around every corner. I thought if I could second guess it I could prepare for it. I am actually not prepared for much but I know second guessing takes up a lot of my time. I do work on taking care of me though rather than taking care of him before me. When he called me to say he thought he might have a heart attack I took care of me too. That was a first.
He has gone to AA in the past, but stopped going about a month ago maybe even 6 weeks ago I have lost track of time. The one guy that he felt really understood let him have it one day--really told him he needed to work the program if he really wanted change--he saw my husband going down. My husband just wanted sympathy--didn't want to be reminded of what he needed to do--so he stopped trying altogether.
He told me last night he was going to try and go to a meeting today. While I am wanting to believe that so bad. I really just think it was words that he was using so I would feel better and the conversation would go away.
I know I can't control the a and this behavior. I do get that intellectually, but for some reason I still think there should be something I can do. The craziness we live in!!!
Dawn of course he did, he is A. What makes you watch what he does? What does it do for you but make you miserable to cont. thinking and hoping you can control it?
These are the questions I asked me when I used to do it. After I stopped even thinking about if he used or not, things were so much better. This is one part of being able to live with A.
Him asking you if he should use some whiskey, was manipulating you and dragging you in. He being the disease.
I would say,"Hey A it is up to you, not my problem." It isn't. That is the whole point. It is not OUR disease. If it were we would be the only ones who could feed it or get on a program of recovery.
All we do is make ourselves miserable watching, and gauging, and analizing, what another person does ,and what makes them do it.
No one can see into someone elses head or heart except our creator.
It is sad becuz we want to intimately bond with our husband, wife, brother, child mom dad friend who ever is A. But the truth is, in order to remain healthy and happy we really can't. We can have our own life and hopefully the "active" A will have some good time and we can enjoy them.
My experience was, the good got less and less and less and now it is gone totally. But the whole time alanon skills and learning more and more and they became a way of life for me. So now when he is never anything but controlled by the disease, it does not tear me apart anymore.
I was able to get as much good time out of him before the disease totally took over becuz of alanon.
Anyway I hope my experience helps some. love,debilyn
