The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last year before I got here was pretty much an annus horriblis for me. I sat in a stew of resentment all year with the A. I had many many many screamathons with him and none of them got me anywhere. It was all extremely ugly and nasty and frightening and it escalated and escalated and I felt completely abandoned by him on many levels. And of course not many people could bear to be around me for even a few seconds. I would, of course, feel much much worse after a screamathon, humiliated, exposed (the neighbors heard of course) and abandoned. My resentments festered even more and they expanded. Now I was resentful that I had totally lost control and I had no idea how to get it back or even that I desperately needed to.
I started writing to various recovery partners each day my long list of woes and coming to this room and letting out my resentments in outbursts about how terrible my life was and all the blame was laid at the a's feet (and of course a great deal of chaos and upset was caused by the a - I was right in that respect but my response was to go into relapse after relapse after relapse of my own behavior). That helped to contain them because there is certainly a stew there bubbling away and still exploding. Lately I have started working really hard to reduce them. I see the A treats many people badly not just me. He is the center of his own universe. One of his best friends is not well right now. Who knows what is wrong with him. No doubt it is somehow connected to his alcoholism. The A is not at all concerned about him. Yet when the A thought he had had a heart attack a week ago he wanted everyone to jump up and sit up and pay attention and give it all to him. So much for that I was the only one who the A abandoned. I think he is absolutely clueless he does this. Whatever he is I know his abandonment, his cavalier attitude and his resentment(s) are not directed soley at me. I have had hints and comments from his brother (who I no longer see because of course he has his own addiction(s) and I choose not to be involved with too many addicts these days) that the A has been difficult to deal with. I have known this to a certain extent before but I persisted with the fantasy that all the A's neglect, abandonment and acting out was directed at me. I failed to see him as a person at all who does not treat anyone well least of all himself.
When I can get some space around my resentments I find underneath it is a well of self pity and that self pity is not necessarily loving at all, validating or helpful to me. I know when I am around other people (in person) and they go into self pity it can be hard to feel especially joyful to be around them or even feel like I can reach them at all its like a bubble of isolation there. There doesn't seem much space to be anything but what they demand which is to agree that life is indeed hard and some of us have a very difficult time with it. And then there's the contest of who has had the hardest time of it which I will no longer engage in (because secretly of course I think I do!). When I am in self pity there is not much room for joy or gratitude. And inbetween it all are two fantasies which are one of the things that brought me to the A in the first place. One of them is meeting someone who would be loving and kind in ways my family of origin was not. That person would help me with many of the issues and needs that were not met as a child and would not be judgmental of me. Another encompasses this voracious, hurt, bewildered inner child who wants "revenge/restitution" for having been neglected, abandoned, beaten, ignored as a child and who demands daily "make it up to me". That inner child see's any detour, obstacle, hiccup, as entirely personal and directed soley at me and the demands escalate that life is awful and I need, need, need and then there are more needs all of which go unmet (which is also untrue some of my needs do get met). Talk about an image of not really being able to take life on life's terms, I am in a continuous loop tantrum that I don't like any of it. I believe that inner child is some of where this stew of continous loop resentments is and where the self pity sort of stews and slow cooks all day long. I can these days get beyond the bubbling point of it spilling over into my life and continously cleaning up the mess.
Nevertheless at the heart of me is this wailing child, hyper sensitive at every slight, completely unprepared to take care of myself on any level, who feels that the world is against me rather than giving in any measure. All day long that child screams "make it up to me". Right now the only answer I have is to take it one day at a time and try to work on ways to take care of myself better but really I can't say I have much of an answer for her yet. I think that answering that child and changing those fantasies of "rescue me" to "my taking care of me" is some of the core of my program.
What wonderful insight. While read your post it occurred to me that my husband can't take care of me like I want him to because he can't even take care of himself. Keep up the good work. Recognizing the parts of the problem is key to solving them.
What a fantastic, well thought through post! We may not like what we find when we journey into ourselves but once we accept the problem solutions become possible. You are clearly honest, open and willing and that's how it works. So I wish you well, commend you for your courage and all the hard work you are putting into you! An inspiration, thank you.
Wow I so understand this. I complain to myself quite a lot, that life is just against me. I tell myself that God (my HP) loves and cares for everyone in the world. He works things out the way he thinks they should be and although he loves he believes I need punishment or his plans are so much grander and I have to go through horrible times because my pain will benefit someone else. Lately I don't see myself as a creature that God wants good things to happen to. I know that is completely wrong--why do I have to suffer anymore than anyone else. I am not tortured, God does love me but my sick brain just wants me living in pity town. I need to remember one day at a time!!!!!
Looking at life in little pieces is a lot easier to handle. We can't let the resentments and what we want from others that we can't get rule us!
Marisie,I remember feeling like you. I was scared to death to go out into the world. I made sure when I married my first husband that he understood that. I was not going to work outside the home.
Well then life changed he got killed in an accident. I decided to volunteer one day at our new food co op. I found out I was a very good worker. I had no idea I was so efficient and really knew what I was doing.
Got lots of support and compliments and people came to ME for questions.
This led to a paid position. I got to where I met lots of fun people and we would pile into my vw bus and go to the beach and the mountains and hiked all over.
Then I decided I wanted to go to college. My kids had been thru enough and could not handle me being gone that much. (I could take them to the co op)
So this is when I started with the school system. In my fourties I went back to college.
What I learned was , I had my own power, my own strengths. Had so much to offer the world. I had been blessed by the creator with great parents who were also great workers. My kids are also good workers, I could not be more proud of them.
I believe in volunteering. There is not much pressure and it gets you out their slowly so you can feel your wings. We can pick whatever we want to, and find out where we feel the most comfy.
We can volunteer and look for work. Also our options grow as we meet more people and learn more.
I also at the time was in a great womens group thru the mental health dept. That was amazingly safe and we all grew together. Even rented a huge cabin once and went to the beach for a week end.
You sound like you are pecking out of your shell, yet sorta sinking back when ya see the outside. Plus it does not help to know A is there to beat ya down. I want to encourage you to peck out, get out of the house, maybe just start by walking your dog. Maybe walk dogs at the humane society at first, or volunteer at the senior center. Both are safe and appreciative.
An inspiration, thank you.