The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I separated from my husband four months ago and, like many of us, perhaps I held on too long. He was physically ill from alcoholism at that point, and about to lose his job. Once I left, he did go into detox and then inpatient rehab. I think he took these difficult steps to get me to come back. I can understand this. But I don't want to go back. I want health and happiness for him and for my children. We had a long talk on Sunday and he cried and told me he can't go on without me. It was very sad and I felt sad for him. I had this terrible feeling that I was supposed to sacrifice what I want for his sake, our kids' sake, and his parents' sake. I finally said that I didn't see the point in making any decision right now when we were both so emotional. I suggested that we let it go for a while and he felt better. But I didn't feel better. I felt like I placed myself in purgatory. I feel like there is no end in sight.
I do hear you. Alcoholism is a progressive chronic disease over which we are powerless. Before making any decision I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. It is here i was given the tools to make healthy constructive decisions while feeling the support of like minded others.
Please do keep coming back here as well-- you are not alone.
gratefulforafuture - Boy do I hear you on this! I am just one month separated from my AH, and even though he has not done any detox (except his own), and is currently "shopping" for in-house facilities to go into (I say shopping b/c he's always telling me about all the places, yet his family says he has refused most of them) he has begun texting me about "Is there a future for us" kind of dialogue. I told him "It was too soon for me to even think about a future with him. I needed time to work on me. Sorry if you don't like that answer, but it is this way b/c of this disease."
Do I think I am leading him on? Yes. But I have chosen to not make myself feel bad about this, b/c that would mean him and his disease is ruling my life... again! And if you want to really think hard about it, it IS too soon for me to think about it... I am still moving stuff, setting up a house, figuring out what needs trashing and what is storage, dealing with having a senior in school (and all that entails), getting my name of the title off his car, looking for a family lawyer to get a legal separation, working, having to possibly find a different job or get more hours (to keep aid)... so I am not lying when I tell him that statement. I have too much other stuff on my mind. It is NOT MY PROBLEM that he sits at home and does nothing but watch tv, drink, and think about how sad he is! He could choose to accept a facility, or go to AA meetings, get a sponsor, get a job etc.
I understand that the guilt is HUGE when they say you are "their everything" and they can't go on without you. But I keep reminding myself that my AH is a grown man... not a child. Take HotRod's suggestion and find a F2F meeting if you can. The best part about this forum is that we find out that we are not alone!!
PS: If you want anymore validation of what you are doing is the "right" thing, look at your kids... My kid is so unbelievably happy now that sometimes it scare me! Each time I begin to feel myself falter, I think of him.
Namaste!
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Tuesday 26th of September 2017 12:04:02 PM
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Tuesday 26th of September 2017 12:04:20 PM
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
If you can go to an al-anon meeting, they will say to attend for 6 months before deciding anything. I think it's good advice, to get some time and space and input, and sort out your thoughts. It works. Keep coming back :)
The program teaches me so many perspectives and one I learned came from inside my understanding of how my enabling showed itself. I use to be sad for my alcoholic/addict and the other sufferers I tried to carry on my shoulders before realizing that I spent untold time and talent and energy "for them". When I learned how to feel "with them", the use of compassion and empathy rather than the sympathy I grew out of the behavior. It was their responsibility to find help and heal and I didn't have the wherewithal to do that for them. They didn't need to find me to find me cheering for thoughts, feelings and behaviors they should and could exercise for their own healing.
When my alcoholic/addict took responsibility for her recovery without my interference the results were miraculous and HP used the results to teach me humility. HP taught me to keep the hell out of the way. Mahalo HP...Mahalo Alcoholic/addict. ((((hugs))))
Oh grateful - so sorry for the confusion, anxiety and chaos this disease brings....it's proven to be too much for anyone alone. For me, the gift of Al-Anon recovery, support, fellowship and tools helped greatly with these types of events. Before I arrived, I really took responsibility for everyone else - even when they never asked. My feelings, my actions, my deeds and thoughts were all obsessively wrapped up in other people's lives.
Al-Anon gave me back me. If you truly have concerns about the thread of suicide, contact the authorities. They will (as experts) determine if more assistance is required and provide it. The gift of no longer feeling responsible for other adults has been life-changing and it is all from the Al-Anon Family Groups and what they recommended to me in recovery...
I too suggest meetings and just focusing on self for today. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I left and tried the friends thing even though he wanted me back and it was a mistake and I payed the price too. It led him to believe we would get back together with the right amount of pressure. I had had enough though and new it deep in my soul but I was manipulative like he was and so i kept him in my life because I wanted him to be a father to our kids. I was also fearful he would do something to himself. Then I gradually realised this whole situation was stopping healing and progress for both of us so i totally let him go. He didn't like that. He reacted with anger then tears then threats but it was over. Just plain and simple over. By this time I was in alanon and understood more of the nature of the disease in both of us and so i knew manipulation it was easy to spot and I also had such faith in the truth.
Thank you to each of you who responded with such thoughtful and wise words.
El-cee, I understand exactly what you are saying. My lawyer has told me I need to be invested in his recovery because it will ultimately help my separation agreement. That leads me to feel manipulated and manipulative. Last thing I wanted! Your experience is very valuable to me.
Iamhere, I am working through these feelings and know in my heart it is best for him and for me if I do not feel responsible for his recovery or his happiness. Not possible anyway! Thank you.
Jerry F, I love the idea of "keeping the hell out of the way!" Keeping that close to my heart!
Betty, thank you for your alanon reminder. I am working it, albeit somewhat slowly...
PandP, you have my heart. We are walking through this together.
Just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing!
Sending you light and love,
Namaste!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
