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hi everyone,i am a UK based newbie,i am 33 and have been at the mercy of my mothers brutal alcoholism since i was 5 years of age, my mother could not cope with me;i am moderate-severely classic autistic with mild intellectual disability,lifelong severe epilepsy and other issues including physical disability caused by restraint from police and clinical support workers,i have blamed myself for my mothers mental health many years but for the past few months i have attended my local ACOA/ACA meeting and the awesome guys there have helped me learn to understand it wasnt my fault,but i am very mentally damaged by her drinking it affects my own relationship with alcohol.
my mother blames herself for my autism and the doctors actually blamed her when i was a child,as sigmund freud had came up with a damaging theory that mothers of autistic children are 'cold' and thus like 'refrigerators', and he shamed my mother into a life long silence,never seeking help,instead she saw the bottle as her way out and it developed into this horrible illness that she suffers from today.
my mum drinks a bottle of gin-AT LEAST a day or a big 3[?] litre bottle of cheap strong cider, and usually i manage to get by-because i live in a care facility away from my mother and i have a support cat and fish and rabbits to comfort me, i am co dependant though and i constantly check up on her as i worry about her so much as she eats very very little-on a good day she will make instant mash potato with water or have fried eggs on bread,on a bad day she will have nothing.
she is severely depressed and stays in bed ALL DAY and night and she has no control over her bladder so continuously has accidents but stays lying in it as she cant be bothered to move or is to drunk to.
when i go there i try to help,ive helped her get changed before,ive also offered her some of my adult nappies-as i am prescribed them but she takes that as an offense and gets mad with me for mentioning it.
however things have really gotten bad,my dad who lives with my mum has gone on holiday for 2 weeks to ireland,and in an emergency i had to take the family cat to my apartment to look after her as last monday she left biscuit [an 18 year old cat with dementia and profound deafness] locked outside in the pouring rain,my dad only noticed when he came downstairs from bed and found her missing,so he phoned me and asked me if i could pick her up that morning but my mum has taken it very badly and hates me for doing it.
i am so glad i took biscuit in as when i called around to my mums yesterday [friday] the house stunk of gas,i realised she had left the gas cooker turned on-on the grill and multiple burners without being lit! this has happened many,many times in my life. i was shocked and i went to see what she was doing in her bedroom,she was just lying there in her urine soaked bed day dreaming and when i told her she had left the gas on after cooking she went crazy about me taking biscuit to my place and she was quite nasty to the support staff i was with so she said to me she will sit in the car outside and wait for me,i didnt want to be in that environment either so i quickly got out.
when we got home,we phoned the out of hours adult social services who told us they cant intervene-ie help her because she is choosing to drink,they said they would only act if she blew the house up or did something else damaging. he told me to go to al anon so i found out theres a meeting near me on sunday which im going to go to as i am so desperate for strength,ive not been to ACOA meetings for 4 weeks because the support staff who takes me on her day off has been off sick.
i suffer greatly with depression [bipolar type] and id love to see a councilor about my mixed up life with my mother but the waiting list is a year and a half.
i am so weak i just dont know what to do to help myself.i cant even phone my dad as the house phone wont let me call outside of UK,but i think he is past caring,he is only staying with her because of the old fashioned irish belief that divorce is very wrong and should not be done.
i am sorry for going on,i just feel so weak and fed up,ive got to baby sit my mum when i cant even look after myself,it isnt fair,no one else seems to give a damn.
-- Edited by AutieEmlyn on Saturday 9th of September 2017 12:50:07 PM
This, and Al Anon, is a marvellous place to find out about how we can learn to live, even thrive, regardless of a loved one's drinking and it sounds as if you are already doing some good things to get support. A loved one's alcoholism is far too much to cope with on our own and I found that Al Anon helped me to understand that I wasn't alone and I did have choices.
The UK counselling waiting lists take so long these days, it is very frustrating. Have you tried any of the charities in your area? I know their resources are stretched, but there are some who can offer counselling services. However I believe that you will find it really helpful to get to a face to face Al Anon meeting. It is a very supportive community where you will be accepted simply as you are. When I went to my first meeting I found people there who could laugh and relax, despite the chaos that alcoholism had brought to their lives, and I resolved to learn how on earth they managed it!
I didn't grow up in an alcohol fuelled home so it is difficult for me to imagine how tough it is trying to shake off all that learning. I know that my husband used to blame me for everything and over a ten year period that took its toll, even though I only experienced it as an adult. So I'm not surprised you feel exhausted - I imagine you've been having to walk on eggshells and take care of others for years. I do understand that feeling of wondering who will be there look after you though - it does seem unfair doesn't it, and yet I remember beating myself up for even having those thoughts. Learning what my choices could be and how I could take care of myself was really helpful for me and empowering as well.
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this - it sounds as if your mother doesn't want to be helped at the moment. Well done on reaching out for help for yourself though - that is a great thing to do and it shows a lot of courage and strength, even if you don't feel it at the moment.
It is sometimes a little quiet here at MIP over the weekend, but if you keep reading here you may notice the similarities in many of our stories - I found that those helped me to recognise what was going on.
Once again, welcome - it is good to have you with us.
I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. You know in your heart that it's not your fault and that you are a hero for dealing with it . I can only say to do your best, and be satisfied in that. There are books on how to deal with this and Al-Anon seems to have the philosophy you need. God bless you and I hope you find the help you need.
Hugs, ((((Emlyn)))), I'm very sorry about what you're going through. There is help and hope available in Alanon, as I've found to my relief, as dealing with alcoholism was much too much for me to go through alone, as it is for most of us. The fellowship in the meetings and here at MIP is a healing thing to be a part of, and I hope you will keep coming back to share, listen, heal and recover. Sending you love and cyberhugs... :)
Hey, i'm so sorry to hear your situation. It sounds like you are in a bad way right now. You did a good thing by taking the cat regardless of your mother's reaction to it. What you will learn here is that you didn't cause your mum's alcoholism, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Only she can do that and if she doesn't want help there's unfortunately nothing you can do to change her. But you are not to blame. She is making her choice. You have to make your choices that are right by you, not her.
It sounds like you have a great support worker there and you are making good steps by finding an al-anon meeting you can get to yourself. I hope you find some peace tonight. Keep coming back here - I find this online community so helpful and supportive as we are all suffering from someone else's illness here.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
((ELMYN) Welcome. Alcoholism is a dreadful chronic progressive disease over which we are powerless. You did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. I am pleased that you have found an alanon meeting that you are able to attend .
We who live with the disease do need a program of recovery as we develpo many negative coping tools in order to survive the insanity In alanon I learned to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time and trust a Power greater than myself.
There is help and hope so please do keep coming back
((((Emlyn)))) welcome to the board also from the Pacific. I'm sending prayers and positive thoughts your way...you are not alone and most all of us have felt what your are feeling now because of our own relationships with alcoholism. I feel empathy for your mom also because I know how powerful the disease is and how much damage it causes both the drinker and the family. She also has a first step which says she is powerless over alcohol, just wish some recovering Alcoholics could get to her. You might see if the local AA groups can and will send out support people. (((((hugs)))))
Hello and welcome AutieEmlyn so glad you stopped in, and i'm glad to meet you....What a brave and honest and open/sincere share you have given us...
I don't know what to say except to please give Al-anon a chance, on line meets are every day here and also this board is a great source for the experience and strength and hope of others....so sorry your mom is in the grips of the disease and you are dealing with this....Alcoholism permeates the entire family, leaving countless of victims in its wake, but we can break free of being victims and be victorious with this marvelous program...1/2 the battle is accepting the reality that we have been impacted by this drinking of a loved one and that we need help to get harmony and balance in our lives......remember...You did not cause her to drink...you will never control it nor will you ever cure it....You can only help yourself and Al-anon is the best teacher for that....I live my life by the steps and the slogans...being honest, open and willing along with that.....it has changed me a lot............HUGS of support to you
Hello and welcome to MIP Emlyn....so glad you found us and so glad that you reached out. Glad to hear that you've already found recovery and have been attending. Alcoholism can be so demanding an devastating - one of the best tools I learned in Al-Anon was to put me first. That doesn't mean I stop caring or loving for others with the disease, it just helps me understand that I am better prepared with what this life brings if I am taking care of me and practicing self-care.
You sound as if you are struggling yet have the support in place to move forward. To find the meetings online here, just look to the top left - the schedule is there and a link to the meeting/chat room. I attended many for a long, long while when I had less opportunity to venture out.
Breathe and be gentle with you. Know that you are not alone! Sending tons of (((hugs))) and positive energy your way!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
