The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Okay, So things have taken a turn. I'm not sure yet as to the direction this all will go.
My active A has pushed me to my breaking point. Not to the point and walk away, there is still much love I feel for my AH. There has been a lot of issues going on that has created a lot of stress both on myself and AH. I have been handling things one day at a time and trucking a long. AH, not so much. He is binge drinking more and more. It has become apparent it has caused so much troubles in his life that he can no longer climb out, so he digs deeper.
A while back he had something happen that we (family) thought...hey this is it, it can't hide from it anymore, he has to take ownership of what he is doing. That lasted 2-3 weeks bore the binge started up again. I learnt not to engage with him, so no more major fights occured, was huge for me. I no longer cry endlessly over what he is doing. Mad, oh believe me I'm mad. But I deal with that, talk it out with my support people.
This week I finally had enough. Watching our child cry, with a broken heart because child totally understand what AH is doing. As child plays detecive, looking for hiding spots, things no child should have to do or see. I decided to fight for him because I know he won't fight for himself. I went to his employer and laid it all on the line as to what is going on and for how long. The employer is so so wonderful I can't explain it. I know to some, this may not have been my story to tell. Yes it was, I'm living this too, I told my story. The love I have for this man, the employer knows what a great man he is, hard working etc. Things AH did now makes more sense to the employer.
I'm pretty sure the employer talked to him. AH's tail has been a little tucked the past few days. AH has yet to say anything to me about it.
Now I supposed some might say what I have choose to do, isn't working the steps. This is where take what you want and leave the rest comes in for me. I have accepted that my HP has a plan in place for me, has brought me here for a reason. I'm okay with this being where I am meant to be, it may not be an ideal relationship. I'm learning just much about myself as I am learning about living with an active A.
I recently had someone say, with all that you have going on; you'd never know it. You are always smiling. To which I said, I'm done with the crying, I have to be happy where I am, or I would go completely crazy. When I look at my life, I have so much to be thankful for, so much so, that my AH is just a small piece. And my love for him so deep that I can be proud of loving him, even when he is not well.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
I just went back and read some of my older posts. Wow, my emotions have been all over the place.
The anger, hurt, lack of trust......all so negative. Right for the moment I was in, but not good for me.
Today, I have come to realize that even through this I need to be happy for me. Yes will still be days and moments I will be angry and hurt. But what I do with that will be on my issue, Im in control of that.
I have so much to stay positive for, my work, my kids, and yes even for AH.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
(((CurlyBlue))) - I think what you did is perfect - we each get to live our lives, our recovery and our outcomes.....good for you working your program and using your support to process. I'm glad that you advocated for your child - that's one area where I tried yet maybe could have done more....
We are also at a good spot. Does this mean perfect harmony? Heavens no. It means I am joyful, grateful and at peace with what's around me, just for today. My oldest is coming by after a while and even though he's active in the disease, he's respecting my boundaries and we are mending our relationship. He's got his own place that he's trying to get 'kid friendly' and I've been cleaning out closets and garage and storage and sending him what he wants.....he was so excited to see that I kept all of his books, his trophies, his boy scouting things, sports uniforms, etc. Now that he's got two boys, he's seeing the value in his momma being a pack-rat!!!
Keep doing you - moving forward in recovery is a personal journey - taking action is always way better than sitting in silence and wishing you had. Great share - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I like the loving motive that led you to do what you could do.
I still struggle to stay joyful and grateful, although I do experience these feelings and have experienced the benefits. The only times in my life when I have felt depressed have been when I've tried to sit in silence when there is something that I could have been doing instead. I counter that feeling of having no control over my own life by doing my next best thing - sometimes deciding that even though I can not do anything about an event I can still do something that is remedial for me.
Thank you for a lovely post CurlyBlue.
Iamhere - how lovely to think of those old mementoes find their way back to your son, I can understand his excitement and appreciation for your care. ((((Hugs))))
CurlyBlue, I love how you are working the program, how you turned your anger into positive action. I understand that feeling of being on the edge of going completely crazy ... and yet you have found a way to be happy where you are at this moment. Great share, thank you so much!
I know deep down this was the right thing to do. I have no regret nor shame for shame for sharing my story with his employer. All I can do is keep moving forward.
I've began to research how to go about get him into an impatient program. It will be a of a process. But it will be done. Like I've said before he has gone through the process before (before I came along). He followed through for a few years. This time he has a bigger family and a family that fights for what is right. The family and friends he had before that stuck thier heads in their ..... if you didn't talk about it, it didn't happen.
Not how we roll.
As rough as the road could take in front of me, I am ready. It'll be nothing compared to what I've already travelled.
Thanks again all!
I will keep coming back
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
Curly make sure he is doing it with you or you may revisit the anger and rage we often arrive at by dragging a body that has two legs and will not walk the path with us. I almost killed my alcoholic/addict because of this and didn't understand our disease. You have love and determination and focus and hope. Hope much lighter your load when he also has those blessings. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I totally understand that. I've done my research for me. So I'm better prepared for what steps are needed when AH does come forward. A few months ago, when A had no choice but to face what has happened to him, AH did admit he has a problem and needs help. That to me was huge. It's not that AH has forgoten what he had said that day, AH can't control it, it's bigger than him. The time is coming AH won't be able to run anymore.
When AH first went through this (before me) he didn't follow through with his healing. AH did the "required" time, AH had no one to hold him accountable. It's a life long process that he will have to see, that needs to continue.
When AH admitted he had a problem, admitted he needed help, why didn't I drag him then? Exactly how you said, draggin the two legged body. AH gave me a list of reasons why he said he couldn't. They were his reasons, I had to listen to them. His reasons were valid for him. He was trying to think of his financial responisblities, his committment to his job (links back to financial), and of course the embarrassment of having to explain things to certain people. If I didn't try to understand his reasons, and force the rehab issue.... I'm sure he'd be dealing with more anger.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
