I am a meddler and for that reason alone I belong in Alanon .. lol .. seriously.  I am a chronic compulsive meddler and it is not easy to battle instincts. 

My daughter and her mental health issues with anxiety have really brought out some things in me I thought I had been pretty good about setting aside .. however .. I have felt the need to pick them back up.  I live for the day that picking her up from school for an appointment will not translate to adventures in WTH happened when I stepped out of work and into la la land. 

Seriously I have to poke fun at myself and the situation for the simple fact I honestly would rather curl up in a ball and say not today Satan!! 

Yesterday was appointment day and picking up daughter I call, .. as there is no parking .. I can tell she's out of it on the phone I impart my need for a bathroom .. so that means .. come on .. LOL.  I am then sending pictures of this is where I'm at kind of thing .. with a reminder attached .. bathroom!!  Out comes girl .. sauntering across this beautiful campus .. with a starbucks cup in her hand .. I need the googly eye icon .. LOL .. I was like wwhhhaattt .. or the minion which ever will work!!   I thought about how she would look strapped to the hood of my car however decided that probably wasn't a good idea.  I would probably be frowned at .. although I know there is a parent somewhere who would give me a high 5.  LOL. 

What part of no parking, waiting and bathroom did not translate for this child .. LOL??  I'm not happy is putting it mildly again .. something is not right .. sure enough .. boy trouble and it is boy trouble because it's the X who I love however seriously .. I am going to kick his a$$.  Her response getting in the car before I get anything else out is .. I owe you dinner .. ok .. I'm down for that .. AFTER the bathroom please!!  We had a conversation about recycling .. this is a S term .. it means an X interest will roll back through.  I never believed this until my venue into online dating .. then I got a big dose of ghosting, benching and so on .. thankfully I was ghosted not benched and not crumbed either .. that's the breading of emotions to keep you on the edge however not really engaged.  The recycling is my term and it is something when it's that whole what are you doing stuff .. I miss you .. I want to see you .. blah blah blah .. whatever .. LOL .. and I warned her .. boy was going to recycle .. I gave him weeks however she said never .. so we made a bet .. sometimes older is wiser.  LOL.  Long story short with no details .. he's an a$$ and what he's doing is so not ok.  I did let her know based upon her mental health if he continued since he's a minor I would be having a conversation with his parents.  She's assured me she's got this and I let her know that's fine .. if it comes a point and time I see she doesn't then .. I'm stepping in.  She doesn't need this .. first time in a week I have seen her tick .. again .. not a happy mom.  I know how much anxiety she's feeling if she's ticking and I know some of it is she's worried about my reaction. 

I'm also short tempered because I need a bathroom at this point .. LOL .. we are talking an hour drive and I was not going to make it .. we talked she-wee's and so on at this point I was getting desperate.  LOL!!  Thankfully found a bathroom not the one I like on that road however it was working!  I'm good.  After my needs being met and having some perspective .. amazing what spells relief.  I do trust her and her choices (I'm typing this laughing at myself because I'm thinking the percentage is probably about 75% of the time .. I probably need to qualify that one).  For the most part I truly do trust her judgment she lacks life experiences and learning curves to really get it and she's still going to fall down .. that's ok .. over all she's got good sense .. not from me .. let's be clear .. I tell her all the time baby .. I'm the bad example.  I have great qualities .. there are choices I make that are mind blowing so she comes by it naturally.  I told her I trust her and I trust that she will do the right thing in this situation.  I did add my two cents about the X .. LOL .. I think that's fair based upon what's going on .. his parents aren't paying for her education and they should know their minor kid is up at 3am.  I also got on her about that is not acceptable self care.  A grown up couple conversation is I know it's late .. I am worried about you and your lack of sleep let's pick this up later.  It is not the other garbage about them .. he was not admitted to the ER not even a month ago with possible Tourette's ... so no I'm not concerned about him.  He has his own stuff to address and she's not there to fix him. 

We did talk about alanon .. and maybe it would be a good thing for her to get involved with in terms of some outside therapy and if it meant a Saturday meeting .. she could come home and we could do the meeting together .. I think we are pretty open together I also would be willing to take her and wait outside if that's what she needs.  She's in agreement she needs something regarding the untreated alanon issues.  There is a college group.  I don't know how active it is .. however .. ehe .. we'll see. 

The funny at the Dr's office is I tried to stay out of it all .. I really did .. hey I'm happy playing my game waiting for her .. LOL.  I see a face pop out the door it's my girls face and I hear .. umm .. need you in regards to the meds.  THANKFULLY they must have it indicated that before any major changes happen discussion is to happen with me first and then of course E gets a say. 

There was a face palm moment .. the meds are working .. she has taken the anti anxiety pill more than I was aware of however not enough to flag the nurse practitioner.  I'm ok with that.  I am not big on meds .. I just see more damage than good unfortunately .. there can be good and I know that .. it is still hard to see knowing how much pill addiction has caused.  My girl all of a sudden is talking about trying something else .. well .. she just started on a different regime that day and if everything is working .. umm .. control here .. why change it.  It's only been a week and she hasn't even started on the other meds.  I think there will be a better sense of what's going on really .. and come on .. talk about anxiety ridden situation .. umm .. seriously .. living in a dorm, new boyfriend, old boyfriend, new friends, figuring a few things out in her own life .. new meds .. need I go on?  Girl also has a tendency to push what SHE wants vs what is best and as her parent I do feel it's important when it comes to new territory we talk first and THEN same page and so on.  My mother would have thrown pills at me because I was the one messed up .. I shutter to think what she would have done had she been given the option to medicate me.  I would be lost .. I almost bet money on it.   I stopped my girl because the NP says well E says she's having more anxiety today .. I laughed .. and said yah that happens when you spend all night talking to a DA XB until 3AM.  I turned to my daughter and said .. did you fail to mention that?  The NP actually turned her head because she started to laugh.  I let my girl know .. absolutely NO hidden truths .. you are in here to be rigorously honest if you can't be rigorously honest about what's going on you are not mature enough to manage your own meds. After that discussion it was decided since the short term benefits of the additional two things she's doing needed to be further assessed and in 2 weeks she will have another appointment.  This is where I get nervous and say my way.  I know I need to let go .. I know I need to allow her to make mistakes .. I also know where these impulsive decisions can lead without any type of communication .. it could still happen .. at least we had the conversation and for me now .. that's far more important than allowing things to just spiral and having no voice in it.  She got mad at me and fussed she was going to have to call me every time she took a pill and I said no we are good .. if I ask you how was your anxiety how many pills did you take .. you better be willing to be honest about what's going on.  I may say honey .. you need to see the Dr before the 2 week appointment and let's get it scheduled now.  It is all about communication, it is all about self responsibility and it is all about self care.  The NP actually sat back and gave a heavy sigh and said you have NO idea how good it is to see this conversation happening between the two of you.  This is what treating anxiety or any other mental health issue should be like for more people.  She turned to my daughter and said straight out you are incredibly lucky to have your mom advocating for you because this is important.  It is important that you understand these meds are not to be taken lightly, it is important for you to be very aware of your mental health and how you cope outside of the pills.  I wish I had more appointments that had this dialog because I usually wind up having to explain why we are not upping the dose .. this .. this is a relief.  As a mom that felt really good to hear that I won't lie.  I don't do a whole lot right .. I like to think I get the right stuff just right at least once a year .. lol.  That's a win for me.  That makes the missing 5 hours of work .. knowing this and coming in 2 hours early a couple days or staying late to clock the hours so I can do these appointments while meeting deadlines and so on.  That's where I know I'm doing something right and if I didn't have those moments I couldn't get back up in the morning every day .. that's what reminds me it's ok.  That was that one day .. LOL .. then I miss something else and wind up with a neon parenting fail in the conversation bubble and think .. yes, I did get dressed and nothing is on backwards today.  Where's my ribbon?  I don't think I left anyone standing in the rain this week.  LOL .. and that actually could have happened .. sometimes I amaze myself I manage to get from point A to point B.  It is ok. 

Now .. here's to not getting arrested at walgreen's, managing not to pee my pants and kill my favorite daughter at the same time, as well as trying to keep my head above water with my youngest who almost did get left in the rain last week.  Who had the sports physical and trauma that goes with that one, has basically done something to his knees now so he won't be running .. yes .. you actually heard my eyeballs roll at that one.  I'm still functioning .. most of the time .. lol .. this is all because of alanon I managed to accomplish all of this .. that's a good week for me. :)  I'm so looking forward to the 3 day weekend .. a little irritated over the gas shortage we are suffering through and trying to figure out how bad it is really going to get around here.  I guess that will just all have to take care of itself.  I got to have one win this week .. LOL .. I will take it and run. 

Hugs S :)