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Hello and thank you all for being so welcoming. Looking for suggestions here. So my husband is not a typical alcoholic--but definite problem with alcohol (drinks 3-5 beens in a sitting, drinks at least 5-6 days a week, is loud, obnoxious, can be insensitive with what he says, slurs words at times., mostly just keeps to himself yelling at TV sports.... but does not drink during day). So as you all have been wonderful in helping me in learning to understand and deal with how I feel and need to care for myself when he drinks. I need suggestions for my kids. I have 2 high school boys at home. They see their dads behavior. The older one seems to think that dad is a fool when he drinks like this, but he is ok being around him still for the most part. The younger teen tends to not hang around him that much when he drinks, unless of course everybody is watching the sports game. They seem to just accept that dad binges with any sports (which is almost every night) The younger one has had insensitive things said to him a couple of times when dad drinks. But neither kid seems afraid of their father. They both seem to acknowledge dad has inappropriate behavior. So I guess my questions are--how do I know how much his uncontrolled drinking is bothering them if at all. (Like right now I don't think they need Alateen). I am bothered by his drinking--so I try to go far away from his loudness and smell. How do I approach with them--do I just tell them that if dad's behavior bothers them they have a right to leave the area, go to their rooms (but that sucks its their home). I know to not put my opinions on them. I am just concerned that they will see this type of behavior as normal. Or do I just try to keep them busy in the evening with homework, chores family games so that they are occupied and not their totally listening to the loudness. Or do I do nothing at all and see if they approach me if they are bothered. Neither my kids or husband know that I started going to Alanon meetings. I am afraid if I tell my kids they might says something to their dad on accident or that it my be pushing my opinion of situation on them. Suggestions?
I think there are many possible answers here. One thing I would be worried about is, as you say, that they will think it is normal. If down the line when they're grown up, they are starting to get involved with a woman, and she got drunk and yelled and slurred every night, they might find it so familiar that they'd keep on with her - marry and raise children with her who would in their turn grow up to find it normal - because that's their experience of a marriage. Or, even worse, when they think "how to handle problems? how to have fun?" - taking a leaf out of their dad's book and thinking turning to alcohol is the way to do it.
In my experience when the adults don't mention big things, the children assume that those things are "not to be talked about." I remember that experience as a kid. The big elephant in the room. So I don't think you can rely on the fact that not seeing a reaction means that it doesn't bother them, or that they're not thinking about it. They're still learning what's right in the world, and how to cope with things. It's great that you're going to Al-Anon. That is a really positive step right there.
Dancer - I would certainly seek out any literature from your meetings (flyers, etc.) that discuss how to talk with children of any age/stage. If you can't find any, a phone call to the local/area office might give some insight.
How I handled this is I told my sons that I loved spending time with them, yet did not enjoy watching sports with the added animation....I indirectly said what I felt was right without throwing darts at my AH. This opened up a discussion to share that substance abuse can be progressive, dangerous, unpredictable and more.
Mine did have exposure to DARE program information as well as other substance abuse education provided in the school district. It's a hard conversation to have as I hate the disease, yet love my AH...
Both of my boys did end up in desperate addiction and it's not surprising as both of their parents are addictive people. We met/married in recovery - thus the potential was 'real'. I was able to also share that and all that I knew about the disease and it did not influence them differently.
Great topic and great questions. You might also be able to ask for ESH at your meetings...just a thought!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Dancer, welcome...you are in the right place, being here and in face to face al-anon meetings. That said, keep going to meetings. You are there for you, and indirectly, for your children. There are no musts in al-anon. Thus, you don't have to tell your kids or your husband. While I, personally, don't condone lying per se, I don't view this as a lie as much as it is not disclosing something which could jeopardize your safety or make the entire situation worse.
As it relates to your children -- they are teenagers. As much as they are in a precarious situation, as are you, they are not completely helpless in that they can "communicate" with you. They are not little kids. More importantly, you are there and you can be there for them. This is the type of thing you should discuss with your sponsor. If you have one, talk to him/her. If you don't, I would suggest you get one. A sponsor can give you experience, perspective and insight, but also give you objectivity. My recovery leaped forward, exponentially, when I got a sponsor. I wish I had gotten one sooner, much sooner.
There is an expression I've heard in face to face meetings for years...it says...every child needs one sane parent. You are that parent. Get better, get healthy, and your children will know, if they don't already, that they can come to you. You can also express that to them -- that they can come to you, confide in you, and share their feelings with you. Alcoholism is a progressive, insidious, baffling, cunning, and a potentially decimating disease. Being there for them -- caring for them, loving them, being the reliable, dependable, loving parent, is not putting your opinions on them. To me, it doesn't sound at all like you are doing that or anything inappropriate at all. If you have concerns that they are seeing this as normal -- in my experience, from my perspective -- you as their parent, the healthy parent, it would be appropriate for you to talk to them. Children are impacted by this disease every single day. Nature, nurture, and more. This can certainly be genetic/hereditary and environmental as well.
Keep coming back.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
