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New here and struggling. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a few years and he recently moved in. He has been sober and very active in AA for about 6 months, but before that he relapsed during the course of our relationship and I now regret sticking it out and forgiving. Even before the relapse, there were huge red flags that I ignored, which indicated he would not be a good partner. He is on a number of medications and a VERY heavy smoker and has sexual problems. Though I have no addiction issues, I'm pretty co-dependent and have anxiety issues myself at times. The sexual "rejection" is difficult for me. I know deep down it is not rejection, but I find myself increasingly angry about the fact that he won't make some healthy choices that might solve the problem. I am angry at the wasted money on Viagra, on cigarettes, junk food, horrible gas station coffee (why??), etc. His smoking has increased ten-fold since moving in, and I am starting to perceive it as an aggressive act. As an excuse to get away from me and be outside.
Anyway, I'm not going to make this too long. Really just wanted to make an initial post to say that I'm sad and angry since he moved in, and I'm afraid of escalating the fighting because I know he will perceive it as "She was cool until I moved in with her, now she is stressing me and I want to drink." That is, *I* will be the one he perceives as threatening his sobriety. Textbook codependency. What a mess I have gotten myself into. I'm scared of the future and how this will end. Scared that I am subconsciously nit-picking and trying to push him into a relapse so I can end things.
Meanwhile I'm trying to be very present in myself and keep busy with my own stuff. I do attend Al-Anon and will try to make a meeting this week. Thanks for listening.
Hello Audrey Welcome thanks for your honesty and clarity. You are discovering that alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive, chronic disease over which we are powerless. Living with the disease does infect everyone who interacts with it, so that we develop negative coping tools to deal with the insanity.
You are not alone and I am glad that you are intending to attend alanon meetings. it is here I learned to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, detach from the insanity and not react but to respond. This helped to restore my self esteem and self respect. Please do attend the alanon meetingss and keep coming back here as well.
Welcome Aubrey to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Glad to hear that you've already found Al-Anon and are attending meetings. I am a double winner - AA & Al-Anon - and can share that I was a bit crazy for well beyond my first 2 years. I was a smoker and certainly also picked up a coffee and junk food habit. Both have lasted a long, long while and it's common for an A to crave sugar especially after the booze is put down.
Having said this, I came to Al-Anon because of this disease in my boys and my husband. It took me a long while to accept that the are not doing things 'to me' - that's the way the disease affects me....I took everything personally. I learned how to do better with recovery. I suggest you try to find a sponsor and work through the steps. The meetings helped me relax a bit when I first arrived, but it's the work we do with the steps that brings about the best healing.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery. You are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Audrey it might be that you have received the alcoholic personality in spades..."It's all about me and I want it all". My early sponsor told me or suggested to me that I remove myself from all things alcohol and I did with one of those things being an alcoholic/addict wife. He also said "when you find out that you have made a mistake, it is your responsibility to go back and change it". Getting in a relationship with and active alcoholic/addict was a major mistake and so I got out of it. That doesn't mean that I stopped loving her; I stopped having the relationship with in the disease.
Good to have your here. Stick around or keep coming back often along with your face to face groups and sponsor and literature and....(((((hugs)))))
Welcome Aubrey,
Things are never what they seem to be when you get involved with an alcoholic. They become dependent on you and you become co-depended also. I am a recovered drug addict, I can be addicted to junk food, and I smoke the dreaded cigarettes. Alanon is a great program to meet others like yourself. It will make you feel better to know that someone is in the exact same situation as you are. I recently tried to quit smoking and went through a lot of M&Ms. I never did quit but I did put on a few pounds. Keep coming back!
hey Aubrey, we all make mistakes...you saw the red flags, but a sense of "hope this works" kicked in and thats normal....How many times did I ignore red flags and regret it later...its a learning tool, and now i LISTEN!!! and you will too....Now you see just how pervasive this disease is.....glad you are going to meetings because whether you stay in this relationship or end it, you have been impacted by this and you will learn in the meets and a sponsor, step work, etc., how to keep the focus on YOU and let him "do his thing" whatever that is....sounds to me like HE is the one "itching" to relapse...I see your actions as ones that are normal under the circumstances.....his binging on junk food and cigs are replacing, for now, his liquor, which if he is not in active AA meetings, he will relapse, almost for sure......and yea, hes dependent on you and you become co-dependent, like a symbiotic relationship that is not healthy at all.....I do encourage you to keep posting here, get to as many meets as you can , get a sponsor to guide you through the steps and focus on taking care of you......meantime?? I would keep finances separate...his money, your money, etc., keep your stuff separate just in case you need to bail out fast.....We all want companionship and someone special to share life with, but unfortunately a lot of us, like me , for example, I grew up with alcoholic and dysfunction and even down right deviant behavior...I didn't not know what healthy, equal, mutual, stable, nourishing relationships WERE until I got into Al-anon and found ME and put the pieces back together , discovering my childhood and understanding WHY I kept the sickness going, I'm not an addict, per se, tho i do binge on junk foods at times, but I am Co-Dependent for sure...A casualty of living with alcoholism and other terribly unhealthy for a child situations...so yea, I kept hooking up with and even marrying the same sicko types of people, when I went back into step 4 and went waaay back to where I began and they began, I understood....and that is how I am breaking this unwanted, unhealthy pattern of hooking up with bad partners.......please keep coming back and don't beat you up over misjudging...living together is a WHOLE lot different then dating...be thankful you see it NOW, before marriage and children.....so this is a good lesson and a good prompt for you to get into knowing yourself and learning self care................glad you came here........
Hi Aubrey-One of our Alanon slogans is: Progress not Perfection. If only I could be perfect, but, I can't ! I have made so many mistakes from partners, to decisions about my son-I'm sure I could make a long list. I've learned I don't have to be hard on myself for my mistakes. I try to learn from them, Let Go and Let God, and move on. Beating myself up only makes me feel horrible. If I can learn something from my choices and do better in the future, that's the best I can do. As I live and breathe I will continue to make mistakes. Be kind to yourself, Lyne
Thank you all. I miss my life I had before him. I guess I was afraid of being alone, but now I realize how good I had it. Now I'm lonelier *with* him. It's so very, very hard.
Keep coming back audrey - we do hear you and we do understand!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
HI Audrey, I'm listening. I'm in a similar position - knew about the issue before we moved in but thought it would be ok and will make him homeless if I end it - and I'm in a similar position on the sexual rejection. Remember it's not personal. He's not well. You wouldn't blame yourself if he had tourettes and would have unpleasant verbal tics, so it's not your personal. HIs illness is affecting his choices. xxx
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
Thank you for all the responses. It helps a lot, truly. This is also my first relationship with an alcoholic of any kind. I never had any in my family, only non/moderate drinkers, and my only exposure to drinking and drugs is what I saw/did as a teenager at parties and such. With my boyfriend, I find myself constantly repeating an (internal) refrain of "is it me or is it the addiction?" For example, he can never just BE STILL. He is constantly outside smoking or pacing, or just sitting with a brooding expression. He goes to about 3 AA meetings a day, which is good, but it is a whirlwind of activity coming and going. When we ride in the car, he has to have the windows rolled down, even when it is insanely hot and the AC feels much better, and even at freeway speeds when it is so noisy and windy it is impossible to talk! It's like he feels claustrophobic. Also he is constantly buying convenience store food and coffee, even when we have a full fridge of delicious food and no less than 2 coffee makers. It is like he is used to living on the go and getting whatever he can scrape together and doesn't know how to live in a HOME. He seems uncomfortable having dinner at a table with others. (I could go on and on about that aspect alone). In short, I feel like I have adopted a feral man. The constant activity/restlessness is driving me up the wall. And of course, because I have my own insecurities, I wonder if it is me. Am I boring? Does he miss party times and party girls of his past? Does he feel trapped? And why do I care?
In short, I feel like I have adopted a feral man. Boy is that a knee of my own relationship with the alcoholic/addict in my life. The relationship was always beyond my understanding as was my choice to be in it. Mistakes can be amended in our program...please keep coming back with an open mind and learn how to be the real you that you are. ((((hugs))))
