The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading talks about loving someone who cant be trusted, this reality is difficult for us to face and so we suffer from 'disappointment of broken promises, contradictions and outright lies.' Each time it happens we feel crushed and outraged. Then hours or days later we put the incident out our minds and trust another promise without hesitation.
The heartache comes from the refusal to accept the reality that the person we love cannot be trusted. Learning not to depend on someone who has been consistently untrustworthy but not to give up on the whole human race.
Todays reminder 'Today I make a commitment to be honest with myself. By facing reality, I become someone I can depend upon.'
It seems to all come down to acceptance. Before Alanon I was deep in denial and could justify any incident or crisis and then I could sit back and forget it. I was so desperate for the discomfort of the chaos I was living with and I thought I was helpless and so I would quickly tidy it away physically and mentally and get back to forgetting it happened. I couldn't live in reality it was too difficult, or so I thought. The trusting and believing the person over and over was like a survival tool, in order to live with an active drinker deep in the disease then I couldn't live in the truth because the truth was less hopeful than the denial. I lived this way for years and years, constantly on the merrygoround. Its amazing to me now Ive woke up that I may have been a person to live in denial my whole life and not see the reality and truth of myself and the drinker and our lives. Thank you Alanon.
el-cee - thank you for your service, ESH and the daily.....I so agree - it comes down to acceptance. When I can stay focused on me, my program and my journey, I can have joy, peace and serenity. When I loose my focus and sidestep my routine in recovery, I can begin to cycle backwards and I am no longer comfortable there.
I can admit it's been a 'day' here. My oldest and the little people were to spend the weekend. My son decided he didn't like something I suggested, lost his cool, yelled at me, cursed at me and called me names. It's been a long while since I've had to enforce a boundary with him, which I did and sent him and the little guys packing to home. My heart hurts as my hope has been broken, hopefully just for today.
I have talked before and I'll talk again - my head knows that enforcing my boundaries and sending him home from here is the right thing to do. My heart hurts as I am fearful he will do as he's done before - hold the little people hostage. I can't project what may happen, and am using my tools to stay present as best I can but I am sad.....at times like this, I feel as if the disease has won (again) and I feel a bit defeated.
I am spending some time on being honest with myself. The truth is he's active in the disease. The truth is I resent that. The truth is raised voices and cursing + names = drama, which I don't want in my life any longer, even if there is a cost for my serenity. I am a good person, a good mom and a good grandma and I do deserve better. I will hold out for better times.
So grateful I made it to a meeting before chaos arrived. So grateful for my program and all my tools. Also grateful for my MIP family - my safe place to go when I need to share (and my sponsor's at a baseball game...) (((Hugs))) to all.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for sharing on this important reading LC. Letting go of denial and pretend(my go to tools) helped me to live in the reality of the disease and use alanon tools effectively.
Thanks for your service
oh yea, in the old days, I just kept a wishin and a hopin and a dreamin that THEY would change and be honest, trustworthy, etc., and as I did this, I became more and more bitter, cynical and just downright NOT liking people anymore.....I had to learn that CHANGE for anything had to come from within me b4 it would manefest outside of me..Now I attract more healthy , reliable, more attractive as friends, people because I quit going to the pharmacist for fried chicken......I am sort of , in my real life, an introvert, but If one proves that they are safe, I can actually enjoy myself sharing adn interacting with others.....I watch now..I observe now..."do the actions match the words" and if they don't??? bless them and beat it outta there.....they will only bring me pain if I stay..........Thank you el-cee for your very needed share, here......Hope you are doing fine....
el-cee - Thank you so much for this C2C, and your service!! This particular share has come at a pivotal time in my relationship with my AH. If there was ever a time for me to look at what flavor of denial I have with this disease, it is certainly now. Your share helped (and is helping) keep my centered on what is the next right step for me and my son, regardless of what my AH is doing or not doing.
I have a particular "knack" let's say, for sweeping things under the rug. But my emotions about whatever it is, still fester deep within me. So ACCEPTANCE has been a huge sticking point with me. I had a hard time accepting that this wonderful man I married is stuck with his addictive behaviors and is unable to be strong enough to seek the help he needs (consistently) to keep our married life loving and peaceful. I had a hard accepting that I had hit MY bottom and was really through with this marriage. I didn't want to accept changing the meek life (and yes, stuff) I had so valiantly carved out for myself. Change is hard. Change can be scary. But as I am constantly reminded by some very wise people here (you know who you are (wink)), NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES.
Thank you el-cee for helping me to view "my part" in this charade for all these years.
Iamhere - sending you cyber hugs! It sounds like you are having a difficult weekend, and can really empathize with you having to enforce your boundaries with your son... especially with whatever after-effects will happen with the little ones & you being able to see them. Peace to you.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
