The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I worked hard to sweep my side of the street and was prepared and looking forwawrd to practice keeping it clean.
.... and I'll have that chance
but not today and not with him.
I had hope for reconciliation - nothing bad happened, he just said he lost his desire for me and for a relationship. He said he hates that he hurt me. Of course this all came in a text and immediately before I started work.
I know he has a lot on his plate and asked for time and I intellectually know that I don't want someone to be with me if they can't love and cherish me... but my emotions are not intellectual.
I'm feeling pain, sadness, hurt, and anger.
I'm trying to Let Go and Let God.
I'm also doing my best not to isolate and may need to travel in the thunderstorm to a friend's house for dinner. (no appetite and lost over 10 pounds over the past few weeks)
((Bud)) Please write out an asset list and review it daily. it is important to remind yourself that you are an intelligent, wise, supportive, kind, attractive educated woman.
remember thst This too will pass. i am sending warm thoughts and prayers your way,
bud, I am so sorry you are facing this right now. As I am sure you know, many of us have been there. Lean on that. Draw on that. One thing, maybe a lot, will help you get through this. That said, what you are facing, feeling, wanting to do, not do, and so on -- you can't go around it, over it or under it. You have to go through it. When you go through it...and do the work on you...you can get past it.
That said, when I faced this myself -- I viewed it as two very distinct components, almost a fork in the road. The first part was MY decision. Was I done. Done. Done done. It was not about the other person. I wasn't going to make my decision based upon hope and conjecture. I wasn't going to "hang in there" or "hang around" and see if time helped. I too knew -- intellectually -- that I could not and did not and would not be with someone or have someone want to be with me, if they were not capable of being in a mature, grounded, meaningful, exclusive, healthy relationship. She was emotionally incapable. However, my emotions superseded my intellect. There was MY problem. I kept hoping, hanging in there, trying, doing different, and so on and so on and so on...and that was me being unhealthy. Did I allow my emotions to supercede my intellect? Yes. Until I truly wanted to get better. Until I had no choice. Until I just could not keep doing it. I was done. I wanted -- I had -- to get better.
The second part was what do I do for ME to get better. It was no longer about the relationship. It was about ME. MY recovery. MY getting better. ME doing what I needed to do, focusing on ME, so that I could be healthy and happy. Once MY decision was made...then and only then...WHAT DO I DO NOW...became the question. That is where I started to do the real work. I spoke to my sponsor every single day. I met with him, often. We talked, we worked, we focused on me and what was best, healthy for me. He told me all of the things I needed to say. He reminded me everyday how much pain I was in, the unacceptable behavior I allowed myself to accept, how I was the one who decided to keep going back, and more and more.
I viewed these two components as very different -- and I couldn't have one without the other. I had to make a decision and then get better.
I think you hit the nail on the head about not isolating. I also think you need to spike up your meetings, spike up your readings, spike up your phone calls, and focus on YOU with a laser precision focus. It is almost as if you need to get off him, as if he was your drug. You need to get clean and sober -- from him, from the dynamic, from the relationship, etc.
We are here for you. Look to your friends in program, your sponsor, your meetings, and keep doing it. All the best.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Hugs Bud. I agree with Betty, assetts list and with you, re not isolating. Cry when you need to. Be kind to you most of all, yes this too shall pass. Also because I'm shallow to some extent, the unintended weight loss and the shopportunities it offers, have always perked me up a little mid break up. Yes my heart may be breaking, but damn my silhouette looks good! Sometimes its the little moments of relief that lead to next moments of sunshine. Sending you much sisterly love.
(((Bud))) - I too send my thoughts your way. I don't care how healthy we are, it hurts to be rejected. I too support the asset list and hope you get to a place of peace soon. I have written often about the disconnect between my head and my heart - yet, each time I do what is suggested, I am able to reconcile in time. You are worthy, you are loved and you are loving!
I hope you feel our love for you and know that it's OK to feel - whatever you feel...this too shall pass popped into my head and this slogan has carried me through some difficult times!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((((Bud)))) What works for me is practice the recovery stuff even if I am feeling lost, less than. or helpless. Most of the time I relapse into the old stuff because I border on loosing hope which is deadly especially when I understand I have a power greater than myself or anything else to rely on. I get weakened and tired and all floppy and I just forget until I don't any more. For me this is a choice program and consequences are part of the choices.
After your sponsor speaks what does your HP say or the other way around? I believe your recovery is solid are you hungry, angry and tired? ((((hugs))))
Its difficult to let Go, the letting go of our hopes and expectations and plans for the future is got to be the hardest thing in the World. I've been trying hard to bend and flow since Alanon, what I mean is I'm trying hard to not develop attachments to anyone or anything. I'm not sure its possible but it comes from the spiritual idea that we have everything every single thing we need in the World at any moment to be happy, content and at peace and that its our attachments to people places and things in our minds that blocks this peace of mind.
I think of the relationship I am in and sometimes the thought of it ending can fill me with dread but when I look closer its dread of missing him missing the attention, the intimacy, the connection and then there's the fear of what if he was the last chance for me. Its all part of my did-ease when I look closer. I have fear of rejection, it challenges my perfectionism. I lived without any relationship for four years and I loved it mostly, the freedom was amazing, freedom within my own mind.
I get the feeling that living in a spiritual ideal means we go with the flow of life, whatever comes will definitely go and that's the reality for everything, it all passes and for some reason we cling to people places and things and then when they go as they do and most likely should then we react negatively. Our attitude could be one of gratitude, like well I enjoyed having that person in my life for that time and I'm grateful for it, its passed now that door has closed and so what door is awaiting me. I cant fully believe in grief, I don't understand it and that is mostly likely a fault within me but I don't get what it is, is it biological or mental, like weve got to go through it? or is it a choice, like an attitude we decide to live in until we decide not too. I don't know. I do hope you get yourself some peace from this mind set though.
Neither person was perfect - when I became reactive, I did my best to say how I felt in a kind way. I feel I could have done better because, in hindsight, it must have come off as criticism... which I feel has no place in a relationship. I defended from hurt rather than ask what was needed. I grew and learned but it was too late to offer it this to this person and I wrestle with sadness and shame (I know shame is not part of Alanon). I know it takes 2 people and maybe this was a natural consequence no matter what I said or did.
Betty, the asset list is hard- I am not feeling intelligent, wise, or supportive. I am an kind educated attractive woman with a big heart who strives to offer intelligence, wisdom, and support. I will continue to work on this, as I know how important it is.
Thank you Bo for the support to go through this- of course, I'd love to find a way to avoid it but know that I can't. I appreciate making it MY decision would be a helpful perspective, as I do not want to be with someone who doesn't love and cherish me. I've already started attending meetings daily with a goal of 90 in 90. I'm using the phone list and will continue to lean into the program.
Thank you a4l - I can't wait til this passes and I can feel better... I want the heavy knot in my stomach to disappear, and I want my mind full of positive thoughts and focus on the moment. Sadly, I couldn't afford to lose the 10 pounds, but will appreciate some shopportunity to refresh.
Thank you Iamhere - it's validating to know that my feeling of rejection doesn't necessarily reflect my state of health or program work. Thank you and I do feel my MIP family's love and support and I do know that I am worthy of love and being loved.
Thank you Jerry - your words about my recovery being solid are so meaningful... yes, I'm hungry, angry, and tired... I haven't slept or eaten enough and who wouldn't be angry and confused at how things out of my control have rolled out. Thank you for pointing these things out to me. I do know I have my HP who loves and supports me and may be trying very hard to move me out of my own way.
I feel shame because when he said things that were hurtful, I withdrew ... to protect myself but it was also punishing to him. I'm so not proud of that. It's not in my general nature to be that way and I don't want to be a person who does this. This is not what I want to put out there and not what I believe in my core.
Bud You did the best you could at the time . I allow myself to learn the lessons from the situation and then it is nothing to feel shameful about- It is simply a difficult experience with painful lessons learned.
i have withdrawn from a long time relationship when my son was active and my partner of many years was very busy giving advise. I could not handle it any other way. In retrospect , it was the best action I could take for all involved.
Hi Bud~I hear you and understand. I'm so sorry you are hurting. How you feel today is not how you will always feel.
I got my blow yesterday. My A spouse, newly sober, is considering taking a job with her former drinking buddy. That's how the entire mess started 13 years ago-excessive drinking, lying, sneaking around, not coming home, drinking and driving, etc. She has been in treatment since the spring and sober for several months. For her to even consider this option, killed the hope I had. Her addiction to alcohol is way more important to her than I am. The counselor we saw together yesterday told her how risky some of her behaviors are, as she is frequenting the bar/restaurants she used to get hammered in. I'm not even sure she is listening to good advice. She knows everything and she can drink Perrier as long as she wants to do it.
I was blown away for a couple hours, but then got a grip on myself. I will be OK. I have tools that work. I have choices. I am quite tired of being second fiddle to alcoholic people and behaviors. Alanon and HP are my present focus. I can't go back to the bottomless pit I was in. I just refuse. I'm going to enjoy my day. I'm going to count my blessings. Please do the same as soon as you are able to, Lyne
Thank you El-cee I'm working on my attachments and my motives. For me, a healthy relationship can have a mutual interdependence but this also means respectful boundaries are in place and enforced.
Thank you Betty for sharing that with me. Thank you for pulling me out of victimization mode - you are right and I am worthy and have an open loving heart.
Thank you Lyne for the reminder that I will not always feel this way. I'm so sorry you had been hit with that yesterday. I'm grateful you shared and also find inspiration in your focus on yourself. I have many, many blessings to count and I will find joy in my day.
I am glad I came again to read the responses which remind me that our program is a program of progress never perfection...Certainly we do the best with what we have and the difference is made up with a God of our understanding. ((((hugs))))
(((Bud))) - I believe we each speak from our own experience.....We just had a huge chaotic situation here and I had to send my son and his boys packing....I am still hurting so truly haven't done too much processing but understand what you are saying. I will admit I retreated too when my son blew, yet I don't know that it's a 'bad reaction' - it's just the reaction that came forward at the time....
I readily admit that how I wanted to respond was not necessarily inline with recovery. There is a part of me still that believes if you love another, you don't curse, call names, etc. Well - we all know that's just not remotely real when dealing with this disease. Time will tell but the retreat in my instance gave me a sane moment in the middle of shock to just stay quiet, let him rant and not jump into the raving tides that it felt like were present.
In a flight/fight situation, I can say that I have always been a fighter. In recovery, I've worked on this big time. I don't want to be a flyer, yet for me it's a better reaction that a fight...
So - I'm with Betty - don't view what's happened as bad or mistakes or anything 'like that'....process what was for lessons and growth. It is only in small steps of progress that we move forward gently and lovingly. (((Hugs))) to all!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((bud)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Oh I love what Betty said to you....make a ledger...write down all the good things about you and soak it in.......I'm so sorry, and I know U won't see this now, but at least he TOLD you instead of hanging out and maybe cheating or becoming abusive.....I mean it sucks no matter what...being left is the hardest thing...abandonment really sucks, especially for folks like us who are here trying to get healthier....but you are sooo worth having a happy relationship......I hope you keep going to the meets, and keep hanging out with healthy folks who care about you......this too shall pass (sounds trite) but it will....the pain will ebb.....sending you HUGS of support
(((bud))) sending you hugs of support. i understand such pain. i like how you say emotions are not intellectual... so true - at the same time, i truly believe in Feeling All Your Feelings - they are not permanent even tho they often feel like they will be - and if we're paying attention, i think those strong emotions hold important lessons for us. and i will also just say... please, give yourself a break. would you ever speak to a dear friend as you speak to yourself? you are human. he is human and has been less than perfect, and same goes for you, and all of us. you are allowed to be human and not perfect when you're navigating a challenging relationship and having strong emotions. we all live and we all learn. you are reflective, you take responsibility for your actions, and you're working sincerely on your recovery. we work and strive to be better and to handle the curveballs life throws at us with more ease. we're all works in progress. i'll say what has been said to me as i mourn the loss of my relationship (and my hopes for a specific future)... let yourself ride the waves of emotion and be gentle with yourself. the feelings are there and they are not fun. but you can meet them without beating yourself up for having them at the same time, you know? one day at a time and all the best to you.
Jerry - Thank you for giving me another way to understand gentleness with myself.
Thank you for the big hug of support Mamaliones. He was starting to neglect me as a partner and I needed to set boundaries for myself. Being taken for granted is not an option. Yes, you're correct and thank you. I've stepped up my meetings, program, connection with my HP, and am careful not to isolate.
Thank you Junenine - I am sitting with the feelings, as horrible as they are, and waiting for them to pass. There are waves of emotion and I will do my best to be gentle with myself. I have learned many lessons - that I can show up in a healthy manner for a relationship, that I can keep my heart open and loving, that I still have many things to work on along my journey so that I can enjoy life and interact with others better.
bud, it is natural, common, to feel shame. I felt that way daily when my ex-gf would lash out, criticize, treat me poorly, etc. But she would still dangle the carrot so to speak. A little I love you, a little text, a nice comment or look. And I was back in!!! She told me she loved me, but she was incapable. We'd have a good day, but that was it. She took for granted we would be together, so she was able to be a couple, have what she wanted, but not really give what I needed, wanted, and deserved. She was incapable.
It was me who kept...SHOPPING FOR BREAD IN A HARDWARE STORE.
Focus on YOU. Let go of the shame, because his lashing out is just an effort to make him feel better, and for you to feel worse.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
OH I remember the shame I felt when AH#1 would "cut me down" verbally, alone or in front of people..I absorbed his low opinion of me...then I wold begin to distance myself from him, and he would "sense" that "uh oh, she might leave" so he would go into reverse adn be real sweet to me, take me clothes shopping, tell me how great I looked in my cute clothes, etc., make me dinner...oh yea, then when he "reeled me in" BAM!! another smack down....on it went...I had to play this sick little game of keeping him "afraid I'll leave" to keep him nice to me...now how sick is that??? but I played it to the hilt....to keep him being nice to me....THEN, i just got tired of it...tired of the mind games I had to do on him to "make him treat me like a human being???" wasn't that my RIGHT???? to be respected and treated decently???? I kept looking for love in all the wrong places....I had to change that....AH#2 was the catalyst of my getting into al-anon...he was sweet to me...kind...but he was an alcoholic and he was sick, too, just like me...even tho I had "married better" it still was dysfunctional because of the alcoholism and its "wonderful" components...my EX AH#2 was a wonderful guy, but HE STILL WAS SICK!!! the disease NEVER causes improvement in a person...if they don't get help and stop it...and stay sober, working a strong program,I was looking at him spiralling down hill, eventually not being able to work, etc....I finally saw it.......that I WAS SICK!!! I needed help.....so i told him....we both get help or we split...I'm done with this type of life...He refused to get help so I packed his stuff...yea, it was hard, but i finally decided that I was as sick as him and would never have a better life UNLESS i surrendered to the fact that I was damaged...needed help....and so I reached out......
was thinking of the line .. I know shame is not part of alanon .. truth is everything we bring to the tables is part of alanon .. it's part of us .. my shame has been here for me to learn from at times .. inside me to look and search the wrongs .. grow the 'wisdom to 'know the 'difference between shame and love .. fear and faith .. confusion and clarity etc .. even though I hate it .. (the feeling of it) without the shame not sure I would have had the same desire .. just meaning everything in us in literature .. the readings sharings .. hope love .. it's All part of the process that seems to work ''together'' for the Greater good inside us to grow .. realizing with the gratitude .. the reading that speaks of walking by a river in the sunlight with higher power and how funny it is when we feel the warmth of the sun we no longer seem to remember the pain .. I believe this is because in time it all becomes something we end up grateful for at some point .. I am not there in every area .. self pity keeps me from growing deeper gratitude .. negativity keeps me Stuck .. just realized tonight through journaling those were two survival skills I unfortunately used growing up .. pity and suffering seemed to bring me attention through the years (but it was again .. negative) .. and pity weakens me .. and others .. etc ..
these are some great replies and in fact very helpful for me tonight as well .. I broke with my ex alcoholic some years back but he is back in town and it is hard,, yes it's the craving for the drug for me .. It's also unhealthy dependency for me .. really for us both .. when he's around I can feel better (about my stuff) .. I can compare and receive attention .. tell myself I'm wanted and loved But .. have to ask myself honestly ..was it positive attention ? many times it was negative .. even though I called it (my denial) positive .. I like what the poster said up there about making an intellectual decision for me of whether I really wanted to be in this relationship .. making it about Me .. for me .. realizing there was a lot of unacceptable behavior I would need to continue to learn to accept .. this would be like choosing to live without alanon or the love of the fellowship .. my guy was an addict and with that comes the inevitable .. hiding sneaking lying blaming criticizing accusing .. me obsessing .. do I want this ? it's a package deal .. unfortunately there I don't get to take just what I like and leave the rest .. Sadly enough it got to the point where there wasn't much I really liked in either of us if I am honest .. but I wanted approval acceptance .. in the wrong place .. in order to get those things I would have needed to be "stuffing .. Me .. hiding allowing him to remain my alcoholic god so to speak .. I couldn't do it .. I also would have needed to remain in second guess and Shame mode .. a lot of my shame isn't just mine .. it's because I was accepting his shameful behavior too and yah then along with it my own .. more or less just letting this out tonight .. in alanon everything we move through 'can have' meaning .. our relationships will be more 'meaningful too' eventually especially when we're in them for the right reasons .. too often in life I give up what I want most for what I can have now .. thinking I would rather prepare for what's to come .. new opportunities and more hope .. love .. growth .. gratitude ..
began thinking of the saying in al .. we're only as sick as our secrets .. translation .. we're only as sick as our confusion .. pain .. fear .. lonliness we don't open the door to our hearts and minds and share on .. we never share alone . grateful for that ..
lots of pain in me tonight so I appreciate this post .. I think I expect a pain free ride but realize today even my own higher power didn't get that .. my view only and with respect for others beliefs .. sending hugs ..
relate to the pain .. and the loss of appetite and much more .. wishing you much serenity ..
clarifying .. when I say my guy was an addict .. I will also say my guy was just an 'untreated alanoner .. recovery goer period .. he wasn't looking at himself .. therefore there was no 'hope for improving .. or for a healthy relation .. what I will say is my fear was that he would go meet a good woman who wanted marriage and more .. someone who wanted to listen to him share with him . who loved him, etc .. then it hit me .. I thought he would go meet a 'good woman .. reality no ego in this .. if he wanted those things he would have stuck around .. he already had one .. had to realize alcohol and addictions are just symptoms of something going on inside deeper .. he wasn't ready to have hp remove some of those fears .. still moving through this myself .. definitely a work in 'progress .. course I have had to reevaluate what it really means to have a loving relationship .. takes time for sure .. and work inside us ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Sunday 20th of August 2017 09:15:15 PM
Bo, He stopped being thoughtful and his actions seemed to come from obligation rather than enjoying me. He may have just been overwhelmed and I reacted. I felt devalued when I couldn't afford to visit his friends with him and in the same day he made purchases much larger than what it would have cost to help me with some of the air fare. He kept making large purchases as if to fill that big black hole. When he only asked me to join him on plans he's already made with others rather than to ask me what I'd like to do I tried to accomodate but also asked him for us to have our own plans. I feel like it may have come across as criticism and I hadn't meant to. I can now see that he could not overcome that.
Thanks Mamalioness, he does not seem like he wants to accomodate another person right now... just wants what he wants and when he wants it. It seems like he got stuck in that space.
Thanks for your shares MeTwo2. I'm glad I'm not alone and you understand. I'm sorry you have this too. This is so confusing for me because his words and actions had been in alignment for a long time and then it changed. In my heart, I don't think it had anything to do with me... he just did a reverse. Maybe this is his pattern, I don't know.
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