The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been biting my tongue so hard and often lately I am surprised I don't taste blood. I suppose it's a good thing; our program is sinking in and rather than confronting, debating, arguing, etc., I am letting a lot go. I know it just exaggerates an issue and makes for a really tense household. So, with so many "isms" showing themselves from my AH, I am picking my battles very carefully to take care of my serenity as much as possible! Yay, Alanon!
I am also trying to look for the good, when I can bring my mind back to it! My AH's consumption is increasing, but there is still good to find in him and our circumstances. Again, Yay, Alanon!
((Ellen) Good job. Instead of torturing yourself by" biting your tongue", I suggest that you call on a slogan or the serenity prayer in order to change your focus . This worked well for me and Let Go and Let God was a favorite
Well done, Ellen! I know just what you mean with biting your tongue; I still do that myself sometimes
One thing I like to do is repeat to myself "how important is it?" and visualize putting the comments that I am hearing that are making me want to react in a box, closing the box, attaching it to a helium balloon, and letting them go. Gives me something to focus on for a few minutes, and helps keep my mind occupied with something that is not the retort I otherwise have running in my head but try not to let out of my mouth.
You are doing great! ((hugs))
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Ellen, good job! I can relate to your situation, still with my A spouse, and also must choose my battles, stay calm, think before I react, etc. With practice I am getting better. I also still see positives in my A, where many of my family members seem to have closed the door. That is an added stressor I have to deal with. No one said this journey would be easy, and it sure isn't. Alanon gives me many tools for help and I use them daily. Lyne
Aloha and welcome to the board Michele. Sad that you felt shaming in response to a disease trigger. Hold yourself up and let that go so it doesn't cling and drag on you. Alcoholism is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease and I learned early on to stop counting my losses in it. That is why I have and use a Higher Power. This morning after I woke up I was reviewing some old thoughts and feelings from the past that somehow my brain was caught up considering "winning" what yet hasn't become a fight. I was preparing you see and projecting on future battle. Then I just let go of it and came in to make coffee and then go outside to feed the beautiful and actively noisy widgets (birds) which grace our front lawn. They are as powerless as I am and need help from higher powers to continue our happiness. Keep coming back and Join us in this dance of recovery. (((((hugs)))))
I too send out a welcome to you Michele - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in!
Ellen - I am also still with my AH and have the 2 A sons that 'bop' in/out of my life/space. I can so relate to your share. My sponsor asked me straight up several times why do you stay? I said, "I don't know for the first few, and she suggested I work the program/steps to determine the answer."
As I progressed and looked at me, my part, our life, our marriage, our home, etc. using the steps/tools, I discovered that in spite of the disease, I was blessed in many ways. Had the program not brought me some self-esteem back as well as objectivity in my growth process, I could have allowed my ego and self-will to drive a different outcome. I could/can/would/will survive any scenario as I now have the tools to live One Day at A Time and trust a power greater than me to lead me. However, the answer I came to is that I do love my alcoholic, unconditionally.
I was young and a bit naive when I met/married my AH. We met and married in recovery. Unlike so many others, I went into my marriage fully aware of the disease and the risks. However, like so many others, I still had hopes that 'we would live happily every after sober/serene'. What recovery has given me is an ability to 'see' this is a fairy-tale, and no marriage or life is perfect and while we think we have it bad, I've still seen much, much worse.
I learned in the other side of the program that there is no shame in finding gratitude and learning at the expense of others. I have learned in recovery to live my life and deal with my 'stuff' as best I can with tools, fellowship and HP as trust that the best is yet to come. I do know how unnerving it is to watch one you love self-destruct and feel powerless. I can only speak for myself, but I have this deep-seated part of me that wants to choose 'fight' or 'flight'. Recovery has taught me there is no shame in loving my alcoholic, dealing with life on life's terms and hoping for great moments in each and every day.
So when things get tough around here, I do as you shared - I recall what I am grateful for and look for what is working and good around me. Before recovery, I was filled to the brim with dark continuous looping thoughts of all that was broken. I don't want to be like that any longer and should I ever decide to make a change in my life regarding my marital status, I want to know that I did all that I felt driven (HP) to do to save my marriage before I left it. Do you, love you and trust the program/tools - it has not failed me yet!
(((Hugs))) - I recall the day a wise Al-Anon person told me that there is no shame in loving an alcoholic.....that was great news to me and some relief in the midst of extreme chaos. I share that with you too!
-- Edited by Iamhere on Thursday 17th of August 2017 02:41:32 PM
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
GFU .. E!! Big hugs and I hope you are able to continue to find the good. I have told my kids that I look at them and see the good things their dad has that they have .. however .. sigh .. I still have a LOT of work to do because I have a difficult time looking at him seeing those same traits. I go with progress not perfection and that's the best I have to give. It takes a lot of effort to say .. your dad was very talented in musical instruments .. and coming from me that's a big deal and they know this. I really admire the fact that you are able to see good in your AH while you continue to do you.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Michele, welcome and believe me.....I have had my share of angry, ugly outbursts. and I'm sure they will continue to happen from time to time. I am glad that I have a greater ability now to catch myself to ask, "how important is it?" Sometimes I've just had it and will blow, but it is happening much less often and I am so grateful for our slogans, suggestions on what has worked for others, and unwavering support from the alanon family!
