The material presented
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Sunday night I came home and my AH was very drunk. It's amazing how no matter how many times it happens it still surprises me. He was so drunk that what he said wasn't making sense, he was repeating himself and he reeked of booze and he was trying to grope me which just really made me feel sick to my stomach. I ended up sleeping in a separate room (which happens quite a bit now with his drinking in one way it's good because it gives me a peaceful night's sleep on another hand it's a bit lonely but I will take lonely over a restless sleep). It made me sad and angry. I was angry because I'm tired of not knowing what I am going to come home to when I go out. It seems as though if I leave the house he takes as much opportunity to drink as much as he possible can in that time thinking I will not somehow know he has been drinking. So I got up the next morning and I didn't go in and give him a hug because I was upset at what I came home to the night before. He wanted to know why and I told him I didn't want to talk about it right now. Later last night he asked me what was wrong, that I seemed off. So I decided to be honest and tell him that I came home to him drunk and it was just really sad and disheartening to see him in that state. His reaction was "I knew it". Up until that point he had been turning on the charm trying to make me happy (which used to work in the past). As soon as I said what I did his whole demeanor changed towards me. He pulled away. He said yes that is what he does and if on Sunday nights the drinks get away from him too much that's how it is. He asked me if anything would help like him closing the bedroom door. I said no I don't think so. Similarly on Friday we had a date night planned but I came home and he seemed off. He was standoffish and disinterested and argumentative over what our plans were it took me a while (part way into the night) to realize he had been drinking. I wasn't on a date with the husband I know and love but with this dude that was really freaking angry (about some issue that had happened at work) and not very pleasant to be around. So I ended it as soon as I could and went and did my own thing.
I feel really lonely in my marriage. Since I've been in Al Anon for the last two years I don't tolerate much of his bad behaviour and he has stopped engaging in a lot of crap he used to do. He no longer speaks to me rudely or disrespectfully. He doesn't blame me for his problems. He doesn't pester me when he's drunk. But isn't that just basic decent human behaviour? The more things calm down between us the more I feel dissatisfied with things. And those night when he is drunk and I get zero time with my loved one feel lonelier than ever. Probably because I'm no longer distracted by all the drama and chaos.
So now he's barely speaking to me, he is simmering under the surface with anger but isn't saying anything. I'm still glad I said it. I usually don't bother but since he asked I felt like I would be feeding into his "let's pretend I'm not an alcoholic" game by saying that nothing was bothering me. And I wouldn't have been honest with him or myself if I said nothing was bothering me. So I spoke my truth. Even though it was uncomfortable and inconvenient. It wasn't a pleasant experience but I can see now how much denial both of us were in in the past. Just needed to get that off my chest.
HI KT, I completely understand and feel your loneliness. I spend most of my time at home alone with my dog. On weekdays he drinks every night and I won't engage with him so I end up not talking to people for days on end. I almost can't wait for school to start again in September as then at least I will talk to colleagues.
It seems you are doing all the positive program things by disengaging when he's been drinking and you are showing massive strength in doing that. I"m still new to the program so I'm sure that others would say to talk to a sponsor and go to the meetings. But coming here as well helps me know that I"m not alone - even when I feel it.
I hope it gets better for you xx
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
Thank you KT for your open and honest share. I understand what you are saying very well. I too experience the same shock when I come home to find my AH intoxicated. I have learned after a few years in Al-Anon that it is best for me to not expect to find him sober when I get home. Then, if I do find him sober its "bully for me!!" and if I don't I am not disappointed. It sounds a bit depressing, but it saves me so much resentment to just assume he will have been drinking. I too was spending a lot of time on my own when he was drinking, and it is very lonely. I have to choose feeling lonely and keep to myself or feeling anxious if I try to engage with him when he is drunk. I choose lonely every time. I can take a walk or call a friend or family member and relieve some of that pain.
I applaud you for speaking your truth. Sometimes we just need to acknowledge the elephant in the room. And he may be upset but it sounds like you followed your program and "said what you mean but didn't say it mean." The longer this merry go round goes on the more I feel that I have to tell the truth in as kind a way as I can.
We are on a strange journey living with active alcoholism. We need to be gentle with ourselves and trust that we will make mistakes, but we are being true to ourselves as we do it. We may feel lonely at times, but we are not alone.
(((KT)))
Bethany
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
(((KT))) - so sorry that you are sad and lonely....I am sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers. I can so relate and still at times question what the next step(s) are. I do know when I keep working my program, I am presented with more opportunities to grow/change/recover. I had to reach a point where I made my own plans and explore new interests. It was way different than I had planned when I married and very uncomfortable at first yet I have met great folks along the way and have new ways to fill my time.
Last Saturday, I had two family functions in one day. I made my plans, RSVP'd, etc. and the night before I asked if my AH had any interest. He said, No and No to both. I had no expectations, so was perfectly fine with his choice. It just is what it is and our tools are what keep me most grounded/sane.
Be gentle with you and keep speaking your truth. Know that you're not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((KT)) Your post resonates and you're not alone. Keep leaning into Alanon and MIP to understand the next right thing. Sending positive thoughts and prayers.
Thank you so very much for posting this. It was the loneliness that ultimately allowed me to arrive at the point where I was able -- and had to -- ask myself, is this the way I want to continue to live my life? I used to drive home from the office and cry, sometimes having to pull over because I was going to throw up, because I didn't know who or what I would find when I got home. All I wanted -- was to be able to sit and talk with my wife, and have her be present. Not buzzed, drunk, incoherent, etc. Just sober, so we could sit and talk, watch TV, enjoy being present and have dinner. I was lonely. So lonely. Even though she was there -- I was lonely. I was alone. She was there, but she wasn't. It wasn't her.
All the things you said -- I went through it all, felt it all, been there, done that, and lived it. It was horrible. I spent countless nights, crying, along, in every room in the house. When trying to talk to her -- same same as you. It was disastrous. She ended up being angry at me for saying something and having a problem with her drinking!!! Can you believe that?
Anyway, I ended up in the same place as you -- I no longer accepted unacceptable behavior, I didn't tolerate her bad or poor behavior, and she stopped confronting me with some of what she had in the past. She didn't disrespect me as much, she wasn't engaging me for intimacy or sex -- as I wasn't interested in that. She didn't fight when I moved into another bedroom. She no longer engaged with me when she was drunk, and she kept to herself. So, all of those specific things, I guess you could say they got better. But, was my life better? NO. I was not in a marriage. We were barely roommates, somewhat functional, cordial, shell of a relationship roommates. I was not happy having barely the shell of a marriage. Now what? Is this the way I wanted to live my life? Nothing changes if nothing changes.
She wanted me to pretend her drinking wasn't a problem. She wanted me to be OK with how our life was...and I was not. I would not. I could not. She not only wanted it, she demanded it. She thought her normal was fine with me. I should be happy with it. If getting it off your chest helps -- good! Keep doing it. I wish you and send you all the best, and positive, healthy thoughts and wishes.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thank you for your share. I can relate to much of it and am sorry these situations just keep recycling. It always surprises me when I am surprised to realize that the " something being off" is hubby drinking. Why are we surprised after all this time!?
It IS sad to feel alone, but we are on our journey and where we are supposed to be right now. I hear you and feel the pain. I try and honor myself with something every single day to remind myself that I deserve happiness and good things no matter what else is going on!
Thank you for the reminder Ellen...yes, how ironic and thought provoking that when I felt off, or something wasn't right -- it so very often was that my AW was drinking or drunk. Even more important -- every single time, it had to do "with her" so to speak. I knew I was in trouble when I was in a place where "if she was having a good day, then I was having a good day" or vice versa. When she was having a bad day -- it was guaranteed that I too was having a bad day.
This was my signal -- my major red flag -- that I needed to focus on me, work on me, and make changes!!! Nothing changes if nothing changes. The meaning and mindset behind that statement means so much. Whether it be co-dependency, me focusing on her, me being a direct contributor, partner, or just immersed in her, I was in it. Big time. And, I needed to get out of it!
I had to do the work -- every day -- to know that I could be OK, and even be happy, whether or not she was drinking, having a good day, or whatever. I was independent from HER. I could find peace, serenity, even happiness, whether the alcoholic was drinking or not.
I remember saying -- 8 years ago, I had a massive amount of drama, chaos and turmoil IN my life. Today, I occasionally have some drama, chaos, and turmoil AROUND my life, near my life, but I choose to not let it IN my life. Big difference. It is the difference between being happy and healthy...and not!!!
Thank you everyone for posting.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
So much of your post is so familiar to me, I could have written it. Anxiety about coming home. Loneliness. Roomates instead of a married couple.
My counselor told me I always have the right to say what I feel regardless of the response. So now I say it. I don't care what my AH says. Actions speak louder than words so much of his responses don't matter anymore. I am concerned about the future and hope for a sober one but who knows. Whenever I think he's doing going we are back to square one. It is disappointing and frightening. I love coming to this board during my difficult times - like tonight. The alcohol influenced husband is a mere shadow of my sober husband. So I go into our spare room, go on the computer, read, listen to music, watch TV and try to distance myself and detach. Not easy. Thanks for posting. You are not alone.
