The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've always wondered how some of the AA members stay sober and recover after many years. Many go to meetings but relapse. I wonder what the difference is and what they do differently. My husband has been going to meetings for years and some counseling and every few months or less has a relapse. No binging or drinking for days and not fall over drunk.
Relapse can be part of recovery. There may be no rhyme or reason to it, no logic, nothing. Often, you can't explain it or understand it. Sometimes it is nothing more than a trigger and/or a slip. People, places, and things. And that's it. An alcoholic is just an arms' length away from a drink. They do what they have to do, one day at a time, to stay clean and sober. I know when I tried to figure it out -- I drove myself crazy.
My wife would be clean and sober. And then she would drink. Period. Want to? Have to? Need to? Doesn't matter and there is no answer for me.
Perhaps some of the double winners here can give their answer, from their experience, their perspective.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Hey wife - I am a double winner yet can't answer your question. I've been sober almost 30 years and never relapsed. I seriously do not know why I have not drank and others have. I've watched some with long term sobriety go back out and I've wondered why not me....it is a seriously baffling, progressive, dangerous disease of the mind, body and soul.
I have stepped away from the basics and gotten seriously crazy yet did not drink. I was fortunate to start my recovery in a treatment center, and back then, there was not a huge push to get people in/out. I stayed as long as they decided, not insurance or me. I was there for a long, long while. Looking back, being stuck in a controlled environment with tons of structure was probably the best thing for me then. I would not know that for a long while.
I've got a son who stayed sober 5 years, and he's active in the disease again. I've got another sober who is sober 3 months and this is the longest he has made it out of jail. My AH was sober 8 years when he went active again. As an Al-Anon member, I try to focus on me and what's better than it used to be. In spite of the three people closest to me having this disease in various stages, I do enjoy my life and most of our time together. It took Al-Anon for me to discover that what they did, how they live, choices they make, etc. should be affect my inner being, peace and joy.
I know we say in meetings that SLIP means Sobriety Looses It's Priority. Some will admit this was part of it. Others will tell you they thought they could control it. Still others believe that since they have had sober time, they can stop again easily. No one or right answer. As a mom/wife, it is maddening when I allow it to mess with my life and my priorities...things go much better when I just focus on me and stay in my own hula hoop!
Hope this helps - keep coming back...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Whoops! Recovery for me hinges mostly on one thing first and foremost: acceptance. Without it, I'm resistant to growth in new areas. Acceptance is key. It paves the way for the rest of the stuff.
Hi, and welcome...There is no real pattern, or "cookie cutter" set way as to how they progress--regress...there is no reason or mathematics you can work on it...some do well...some don't...some relapse...some don't.....Some can handle their triggers and work them through, some fall apart....a good support system, sponsor who is available and STRONG meetings and step work adds to their odds, but even the appearing successful ones are only one trigger or slip away from starting all over.......the successful ones go ODAT--one day at a time..they avoid projecting into future...they avoid folks who drink or folks who are not healthy for them.......I have wracked my brains , trying to figure out, WHAT HAPPENED to my A-brother...he had a relatively GOOD relationship with BOTH parents....survivor's guilt because they nearly destroyed me, his favorite sibling???? don't know...will never know and I don't "go there" anymore because some things one just cannot do a study on and come up with "Oh YEA, this is why they slip" the reasons are as many as there are needles on a pine tree.....it just IS.....I drove me crazy , trying to analyze my brother an like a friend of mine says I would go into a paralysis of analysis so I STOPPED....he does it because he DOES....keep coming back here Al-anon is for us!!! the lovers, spouses, siblings, children and others who love the alcoholics but but have to have OUR place to deal and heal because no matter what our relationship is with our drunk(s) he/she/they impact us, even tho we are sober....it is incumbent upon us to learn to care for ourselves, and loving detachment for the alcoholic.......IN SUPPORT
Relapse is not part of recovery .. its part of some peoples journey .. i echo what iam shared from the standpoint of listening to RAs stories. Some go back out some don't .. a very dear recovery friend went back out and never relapsed before that we are talking double digits. Staying rigorously honest .. aware and in program seems to be key. Relapse can happen anyone do its incredibly important to stay vigilant against a powerful cunning and baffling disease. Hugs.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I appreciate all of the responses and the inquiry of the post because I have yet to drink again and have been closer to it then when I was drinking actively. When it is more important that I don't I won't and when I loose sight of it and focus I am setting myself up for the next one.
Ours is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions; 4 areas of our existence that are connected together...one affects another and so on. My disease is hereditary; I got it thru generations of alcoholism and then I am reminded that the disease itself is thousands of years old. To not drink at times is simple and at other times heroic.
Every support I have or get to not drink is a blessing. At times I find my mind thinking those thoughts that other alcoholics mention they have had at meetings; "I will just have one...I can handle it...no one will know" the fear thoughts and I don't have these thoughts without the ESH of the fellowships I am a family member of. The justifications to keep myself connected to the bottle are cunning, powerful and baffling and to not drink in spite of them is tribute wanting to stay sober and trusting the program fellowships to help me remain sober...first in my thinking, then in my spirit and finally in my body. I do not allow myself the thought that I am now impervious to this disease. One of the thoughts I keep with me is the voice of the head nurse at the rehab I worked for as a therapist who after reviewing my own assessment (anonymously) told me "I don't know who this assessment belongs to but I believe they need to be in inpatient recovery now or the next time they drink they die". I was 9 years alcohol free at that moment and not sober because I still didn't know or accept my history with alcohol which already had near death (toxic shock) events in it.
I keep all of this information including her statement as part of the "doing to stay sober". There are thousands of other AA stories which work also. ((((hugs))))
(((((Jerry))))) I am glad you weighed in....I always learn something when you post.....WOW....mind/body/spirit AND emotions...no wonder its so hard to stay clean....May I say I am GRATEFUL to the universe that you are sober and here with US...where you belong.....I think of you as my recovery brother and I don't say "brother" often to a soul..........
I'm a double winner. I relapsed after about five or six years. I stopped going to meetings. My AH, who i met in the rooms, didn't want people around, so my network of sober friends fell apart. I stopped calling my sponsor, and became focused on other things. Thankfully it didn't last long. My husband's lasted a couple of decades. I only wish I had come to Alanon sooner.
Alcoholism is a disease not a moral issue. My disease isn't about being bad or weak or less than. Like all other real alcoholics I live with a compulsion to drink and a severe allergy to alcohol. It isn't health food and doesn't even come close to increasing our ability to be and stay healthy.
Alcohol is a solvent and is synergistic with the ability to pass thru the blood brain barrier not needing to go to the stomach in order for us to get drunk. The farthest or nearest distance to our next drunk is the distance between our tongue and our central nervous system and for me that is just about 3 inches. Alcohol is a CNS depressant which means that as soon as it reaches my CNS center it starts to take control. Since I was born and then raised alcoholic any amount of alcohol meets no resistance to the outcome and while on a natural level I am chemically tolerant that means my body stores the chemicals and creates a time bomb in my mind and emotions. I don't get as drunk as I get rageful and insane. Note the last word of the second step which sobriety and my Higher Power restores me to. Living in active alcoholism for me was a tightrope without a safety net. I should not (by my own hand) be alive at this computer nor should many others who crossed my path.
We are not sinners we are very very sick human beings and without a recovery program to live in and outside of our own plans and desires we die. There are many many people who want us to drink because of the money in it that we are compelled to spend in order to get the feelings of intoxification. That for me is sad yet I am not resentful because it is my choice to do what is necessary to maintain my peace of mind and serenity and sobriety.
MIP is but one of the tools which helps me do that. ((((hugs))))
