The material presented
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I have worked very hard on taking care of me and making sure I am respectful of her for the past few weeks. I did something by myself this weekend that ment alot to me and she and the kids went to the rodeo again... we went together last weekend.
When she started attacking me as a father for not going with them, I just lost it. I got defensive about how normal people don't have to walk in lock step every weekend. Things went downhill from there. I love my kids and I got really upset with her over saying that I was hurting them by not going.
I am having such a hard time with her interpetation of my recovery. I want her to understand, and she can't/won't.
All the reading says the A won't understand, won't like and will likely try to derail my recovery. Boy are they right, but she's my wife and we used to be able to talk about things like this and make sense of them.
I am going to find a family therapist and see if we can all go. This is one of the things she says I should be doing instead of going to that 'devil' Al-anon group. I have been asking for that for over a year so I am going to see if I can't take advantage of the comment. Don't know if she will really go.
Any other words of wisdom other than keep at it? I am just absolutely sick.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
My husband swings on Alanon like a door. If he is not in a program, he hates Alanon and hates that I follow my program. When he is in a program,(usually forced) he like to take inventory of my program, constantly tells me that I don't work it enough. He always has the idea that Alanon is for him, he has never grasped that it is for me.
While she is not in recovery, she is going to buck at any change and will feel that you getting better is a threat to her.
Family counceling can be a great thing. We have tried marriage counseling several times. How it will work out deoends on what kind of counselor you get, and how honest everyone is. A good counselor will pick up on an alcohol problem fairly early. many will then refuse to adress any other issues until the alcoholism is dealt with.
We have gone to several. It goes very well until the counselor brings up my husbands drinking. The last time we went my hubsnad agreed to go only if I would not mention his drinking. I didn't and the counselor picked it up on his own. He then said we could go no further until my husband addressed his drinking. Needless to say we didn't go back to him again. The same held true of the three before him.
it might be the best thing in the world for you and your family. Just be forwarned that they will probably address her drinking and might not be willing to proceed if she does not seek help.
I know that you are upset and it feels like we are doing something wrong at times when we are doing the right thing. It sounds like a wonderful idea (the therapy). Keep in mind that not only is she sick, but she is probably afraid and not sure how to appropriately express that. You are doing great! Keep up the good work and keep coming back!
Alcoholics are not like other people (as u may have noticed) they don't have to keep trying to find a button to make us react. they go right for the gut . Who knows us better than our partners and when one of them is really sick they go for the obvious ,our guilt. and she got you. You know your a good dad and so does she but if guilt works they will do it over and over again comments like that I file under Booze talk and walk away don't react . not easy I know .
As for councelling , nothing to loose but do't ignore the real issue - her drinking. she will of course deny it so be prepared -but there is a good chance she won't go anyway and if she does agree the condition will probably be that u quit that Al-Anon crap.
Alcoholics will do and say anything to get the focus off themselves be prepared . keep going to your meetings and take care of you. Louise
Thanks to all for your support. I asked our EAP for the number of a couple of family/marriage specialties with certifications in addiction. (Thought I could sneak that one in.) Found 2 and have an appointment with one next week.
Wait and see if she goes.
Thanks again - r
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
As others have said it sound like one of those A moments. I think it is called taking someone's inventory and boney fingering. We in Alanon have "slips" too. We are not perfect. Instead of 1 step forward and 2 steps back, I would call it progress in recovery. At least you are aware now. I have had many conversations in this last year with my A that I could just kick myself for saying what I said and go over in my mind the best way to say something. It doesn't matter a bit - you are talking to an A.
Love that you love your kids.- we took our kids to therapy with us. Sometimes you have to just throw out the books and go with your gut.
