The material presented
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It's been a while between my posts. I've been struggling because my relationship has been declining. I knew for a while my needs were not getting met and when I approached my bf, I realized he had put up walls and was not emotonally available. I couldn't pull the trigger on the relationship even though my serenity was being affected. I had hope that reason would step in, but while waiting, I started reacting to triggers being pushed. Although I did not act badly, I was over-reactive and am looking to strengthen my Alanon tool kit.
I know that I didn't do any one thing to bring things to the crash and burn. I'm reflecting on my behavior and realize that if I keep stronger boundaries, these things would not carry on so long.
No matter what's going on in someone else's life, there is not cause to treat someone poorly and I tolerated too much.
Thank you for being here and for your support! Any tools or pieces of the program that you think would be helpful are appreciated!
-- Edited by bud on Monday 31st of July 2017 02:53:33 PM
I am sorry to hear about your struggles .. one of the things I started doing was looking at my part in my picker .. I have a broken picker that is more out of order than terminally broken .. I really have to check myself. Especially in terms of why was I picking emotionally unavailable men. For me it's because I can be emotionally unavailable .. much more so in the past than the present .. although I'm telling you .. LOL .. my domineering ways die hard and I don't know if that's control or what .. I have to reel myself back in from time to time and remember .. I really don't want to be the guy and I really don't want to be a doormat either. :)
Have you considered doing a mini step 4 on what you are dealing with? This helps me take a look objectively as to what is going on without being emotionally involved, it helps to do it with a sponsor because I will tend to go over board and be way to hard on myself. My part is what I bring to the table not what I think I should bring to the table. Really looking at why I picked emotionally unavailable men it was definitely about me seeking safety because I didn't have to take any emotional risks .. now I would think these men were available however looking back that was never the case because they only got a piece of me as well. That was where I struggled with communicating effectively, taking the emotional risk and knowing when enough is enough. I know now that I want the potential not the what is. I don't require the work that should be put in for a long term relationship .. short term is awesome .. however long term is a whole different ball of wax. There was always a wall it just happened to mirror the wall that I already had up .. so talk about Great Wall of China .. LOL .. to thy own self be true .. I think a fearless inventory of what's going on with you and being very gentle with yourself in the process would be a great place to start.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
(((Bud)) Good to see you back sharing although I am sorry to read that it is due to some upheaval in your life.
I have found that increasing my meetings, examining my motives, working step 4 through 9 often uncovers the hidden drives that have brought un-manageability back to my life. You are not alone Sending positive thoughts on the way.
(((Bud))) - agree with Betty - good to see you back....also sorry that there is some pain/chaos from the disease.
For me, anytime I am feeling restless, irritable or discontent, I do increase any/all program activity I can - like Betty suggests. I will go to more meetings, reach out to my sponsor or trusted program friends, revisit the steps and/or a bit more reading/prayer and meditation. For me, I typically find that my feelings are resulting from a shift - many times, it is my expectations and my motives. There is a disease still within me, and we truly get a daily reprieve from it's pull based on our spiritual condition.
I am one who also can be super hard of 'me' when I am feeling my worst. It seems like I am looking at my part at times, not to grow and learn but rather to place blame. I need someone saner than me to remind me that we are imperfect and that's OK. We will make mistakes and that's OK. We also can restart our day at any time we want/need to and that's OK. When I am in pain, I can forget that I am a child of my HP and deserve the be gentle with myself and trust the process.
Remember, this too shall pass - change is very, very hard so I do try to remind myself often that I've made it this far and if I stay true to self, and trust the process and HP, I'll get through to the other side!
You're not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
A huge thanks for the warm welcome and support!!! I'm so grateful that I'm not alone!
Stepping up my program is certainly in order. I'm grateful that I've separated my side of the street from his- basically I was thrilled with things until he received horribly bad life-changing news. I gave it a long time but he didn't bounce. Character and resiliency are important to me. He withdrew and stopped treating me respectfully. I approached him in hopes of it straightening things out, but he's just so lost. I feel badly for his situation, but it isn't cause to treat me poorly.
I've been working closely with sponsors, friends and therapists - I know I've been generally working a good program and identified my weaknesses that I can improve. I made amends and, while, this is painful, being true to myself feels stabilizing.
Thank you for the reminders to not start walking down the road of the blame game, to work a strong program, identify and work on things that no longer serve me well. This whole thing was so difficult- I'm so thankful to know that eventually this will pass!
Thank you so much- it's good to receive warmth and love.
For a long time I was so very happy- hadn't felt that way in decades - he changed when he received this news and things snowballed. Funny, he'd start talking so much about the importance of equality in the relationship- then proceeded to define it on terms that were to his advantage, but not equal. What I was hearing was that he would not give from his heart. I knew he was spinning from receiving horrible news but, because of how wonderful he had been until that point- I felt I owed it to myself to see if he would recover.
I recognized as his life spun out of control, he tried to control things... including our relationship. (everything equal according to his terms when he decided to set new rules that served only him). I'm proud of how I continued to show up and give my best, but I stayed too long without enough boundaries... and because of this and my no longer feeling secure, I felt triggered and started to become reactive. In the meantime, he started picking fault as an excuse to not want to continue to communicate with me as much. (I guess he wanted to when he felt lonely- everything became on his terms - his way or the highway.)
I'm still in shock how this devolved and destructed. I'm so proud that I did address these things as they arose, but couldn't resolve them- he gave me hope to hang in but no real resolution. This would have been the adult time for him to go get help or at least come clean that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. But he didn't want to let me go either.
He cancelled our plans on Friday via text message, making it sound like I said something that hurt him so much that he could not continue the relationship. He wouldn't respond to my calls all weekend. I was suffering. I wanted to work this out with him and come to a conclusion if this could be salvaged. I would have been happy to stand by him and work through his troubles like couples do. Only when he was ready to connect with me last night, he said that he didn't know how he felt about me and didn't know what happened.
I identified and apologized for my part, as we both had been overreactive. I'm so proud that I found the courage to tell him that I want and deserve a man who loves and cherishes me and he deserves to be happy. I told him that I went to a therapist in the morning and realized this isn't right for me and I made the decision to end this permantly. I told him we could connect in a few days to make arrangements to return our things to each other. I then saidy good bye.
This hurts so much - we were supposed to be on vacation next week and had been looking forward to it for months. I find it unacceptable that I've been giving him my best and he, after all this time, doesn't know how he feels about me? After he's told me how much he loves me over and over and we even had (at his idea) been house hunting together?
Nothing is making any sense. I'm so grateful for this program and your support. This hurts so much.
As you describe this it just really strikes me that it comes down to what do YOU want. Do you want an equal partner in life or do you want someone who doesn't know what they want and wants to be in control all the time? You know your own situation best however my personal opinion is that you deserve to be loved and accepted without having to guess the next move. That is very much like addiction. Stay leave whatever .. those are your own lessons to work through just like dealing with your X and coming to terms with that abuse as well as the FOO stuff.
When I first started dating I was still picking from the scraps and because I had been fed scraps for so long I honestly felt full. As it turns out I was still starving and I didn't realize how much so until I had an experience of what it meant to be emotionally full and some of that was figuring out to feed my own emotional banquet the other was I did something completely out of character reckless and for ME it was the right thing .. somehow it pieced me back together on a lot of different levels. That experience taught me something about myself that I had completely neglected which was I had an awakening to exactly how emotionally starved I really was and that it clued me in no one person outside of my HP and me was going to fix that. I would never be enough to fix someone else's stuff .. as far as stuff went that could be a myriad of things. That's where things seriously changed and not to say I don't stumble through the mad rush of what does a relationship look like to me. However it certainly makes a HUGE difference in dealing with the issue of what does it mean to ME and I send less scattered ideas of what I want. My experience has been I get what I give, and I had to learn to listen and to listen well to what the other person was telling me and respect that even if it hurt or I didn't agree with it. Again I still struggle .. at least there is more of an awareness of who I really am .. and honestly someone else feels the way they do .. I am sorry they feel that way .. however unless I have been purposely cruel which is not in my natural character .. that is for them to deal with .. I choose not to worry in terms of why they don't call or whatever. That's just not on me. I can own my part in whatever .. it is not on me to own hurt feelings of another person.
I have NO idea if what I have rambled on about makes any kind of sense .. it was just in response to some of what you shared.
Glad you are here :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I am working on boundaries myself. I got the "I will not tolerate X from you" part, and now I am focusing on the "I need space and time to take care of myself, so I will not Y" part.
I am sorry you are hurting. Ending a relationship is never easy.
It sounds like you are struggling with the difference between knowing what you need in a relationship and caring for someone who cannot give you those things. That's a hard place to be. I'm glad you are here.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Hi bud -- reading your post, I felt like I was reading my own story. My relationship was declining, daily, and simply falling apart. It was so sad that "we" were no longer a "we" and it seemed we were just together for no reason at all, for convenience, and who knows why else. I can't really explain it. My GF was not in a good place -- her special needs son was in a bad relationship and being taken advantage of and hurt, and she was struggling with that. Her other son, who she had a very co-dependent relationship with, was a heroin addict and had a host of issues -- jail, not working, a volatile, very tumultuous, co-dependent relationship with an alcoholic/drug addict GF, and a daughter who was feeling abandoned, neglected, etc. My GF was angry, bitter, frustrated, broke, and more, and taking it out so to speak on me. I on the other hand was accepting unacceptable behavior, volunteering to be treated poorly, seeking love and affection, was also co-dependent, and was in more pain each and every day, and growing more angry each and every day, not saying a word about it, and not willing to do anything about it.
I approached her, tried to reason, talk, communicate, etc. -- and I got yelled at, blamed, accused of things, and so much more. It was hopeless, but I didn't see it. I didn't think or feel it was hopeless. Every single person I knew, told me, and begged me, to end the relationship. It was slowly chipping away at who I was as a person, my own serenity, my mental well-being, and more. It is not that my GF was a bad person. She was just an unhealthy person. I wasn't asking for a lot -- but asking for even the slightest, smallest thing -- anything -- she was simply incapable of doing that. She was emotionally and mentally incapable. She was emotionally unavailable. She was not capable of being in a normal, healthy, mature, grounded, responsible, partnership, quality, happy and solid relationship.
Even when I faced the reality -- I still could not end the relationship. I begged for the courage and strength to do it. I struggled minute to minute he with why I couldn't do this. Why? I don't know. I still loved her. I was still hoping. I was still thinking it could change. I was still clutching onto the individual, brief, isolated moments -- the I love you's, the smile, the wink, her reaching out to hold my hand, and all of those things kept me in there every single day. What I finally figured out...this was not about her...this was about ME.
This was about me. I was the problem. There was something about me that kept me doing all of this. There was something about me that kept me SHOPPING FOR BREAD IN A HARDWARE STORE. I realized I was addicted to her, I was addicted to seeking love, affection and affirmation from her. That was my drug. And she was the drug dealer.
There was only one way for me to get better. I had to get clean and sober. I had to get off the drugs. But how could I get off the drugs when I was maintaining a daily relationship with the drug dealer. When I was in constant communication with the drug dealer. When I was chasing the drug dealer. When I was constantly thinking about and co-dependent with the drug dealer. And more. I had to get clean and sober. Period. I had to end the relationship and end all contact with the drug dealer. This is what I had to do. It couldn't be part-time, halfway, or anything of the like. Relationship over and no communication. No ties, no dealings, not being friends, etc. I needed this. And so did she. She wasn't going to get better with all of this going on -- but that was her business.
I also realized that no matter what I did in the past with her -- it would have ended up in the same place. I did it all. You name it -- detach, boundaries, not accepting unacceptable behavior, not enabling, and more. Everything. I went through it all. However, everything I did, helped me to an extent, but it did not help the relationship. They are two very distinct things. I was getting better, but she wasn't, and neither was the relationship. I got better and realized I had to end the relationship. I was confused at first because I thought -- if I get better, the relationship will get better. If I get better, she will too, and we will be healthy. WRONG!!! My boundaries didn't "cure" her, and it didn't make things better for us and the relationship. It didn't make us healthy, it made me healthy. Detaching didn't help her. It helped me. Not accepting unacceptable behavior didn't help her and get her healthy. It helped me, and got me healthy. All the things I did...did not help her. They helped me. As a matter of fact she got angrier at times. She got more hostile. She got more frustrated and agitated. Why? Because she wasn't getting what she wanted and I was no longer doing what she wanted and was no longer accepting unacceptable behavior. Very telling, and very insightful.
What I learned from all of this? All of the above and more. It started with an laser precision focus on ME. It also started with immersing myself in acceptance. Not accepting the relationship the way it was, because that was disastrous for me. But accepting this is who she was, what she does, etc. I accepted that NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES.
Get to face to face meetings. Spike up your meetings. Work with your sponsor, and do the work...ON YOU. You can and will get better. Keep coming back.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
(((Bud))) - my best program tool when the pain in greater than I can deal with is to breathe, breathe, breathe again. There is something so cleansing about deep breathing for me - it almost grounds me just long enough to recall that I am worthy of happiness, joy and freedom....freedom from the bondage of self as well as freedom from pain, chaos and drama brought on by others - A(s) or not.
It's so easy for me to slip back into the what if, if only, etc. thinking - I really have strong program friends that I reach out to as well. And - as Betty typically suggests, making gratitude lists and asset lists really help me. Your sadness is real - it's perfectly fine to feel the feelings - I just have to remember feelings aren't facts. I tend to project when I'm off-center and while I wish I could share that I project happy endings, my brain just isn't wired to go 'there' first....
Know that we're here for you - you sound solid in your program alignment - B2B - Back to Basics does wonders for me when the rug is pulled out from under...(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Wow - I'm I lucky for this great support! I'm so grateful for the clarity and the help returning the focus back onto myself. I realized I've been triggered as things declined but I hadn't put it all together about his behaviors echoing that of addiction. Now this is making more sense.
"Uncoupling" is so hard even when it became unhealthy.
It came to the point where I didn't feel like I had any say in the relationship - like a deer in the headlights, I didn't move off the tracks when he railroaded me. I thought I was just unpracticed at speaking up because my efforts fell on deaf ears.
I'm grateful that I can feel some anger instead of my old pattern of eternalizing self-blame. My anger will dissipate as I focus on myself and fill the empty space with my HP and Alanon. Thank you for your warmth- I feel supported and confident that I can continue to bloom into the person my HP wants me to be.
Good on you bud, good on you!!! I can almost feel you sighing in relief - just knowing it will pass and we are not alone is such a gift (to me) when I am uncertain or unsettled...keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Iamhere. I'm going to get my stuff from his place on Friday. A friend is coming with me. This hurts so badly that I can't stop shaking. It's so surreal even thought I knew he was distracted for a long time and things just kept spiraling. I thought he'd be able to work through it and still want to be with me. I never thought he'd say he was confused because of all the times he said that we'd get through anything and there are no dealbreakers. My dealbreaker is being confused after a year. So sad. I'll really miss his family too. Hope this passes sooner than later.
(((bud))) - stay present and trust the program/process! For the record, I am still in touch with siblings of my exes....and I've been married to another for 26 years. Relationships are unique and personal - if it's meant to be, it will be....I use this to many, many aspects of life - stay in today and just feel your feelings.
I am so glad you have a friend going with you to collect your things! Try to think about Friday on Friday...not today...sending you tons of hugs!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for help in keeping in the moment. I could be wrong but it seemed that he even had to control how I would get my things. I did call his step-Mom today and was so well-received. However, she is not close to the rest of his siblings and keeps more guarded, etc. I don't have a real way of contacting them but will miss them too.
ahhh "not emotionally available" a tough thing to deal with if I want equality, stability, mutuality in a relationship....and I can see where being in this 1 way relationship, one could get triggered...I think, if this were me, I would just step back..get out step 4 and figure out why I accept unacceptable behavior...is this a constant?? or a occasional thing??? are my boundaries not in force??? where am I at and where he is at??? do I want to be where he is at???? and I agree NO excuses for mistreating someone....step 4, I would be working and also getting into some meets, like many per week, checking up on me and why I am letting myself get treated like this.......if you have a recovery partner, that would be great, to dive into step 4 an see "whats up" clearly this is not what you want in a committed relationship...........HUGS of support....
Thank you Mamalioness! I had nice dinner out with a girlfriend last night but came home and could not sleep. What a whirlwind of the past 2 weeks- new job, minor surgery, and now this. I count my blessings and am grateful, but feel so shakey. I know he needed help for a long time- I recognized his trying to fill that black gaping hole with new purchases to soothe inner turmoil that can only be soothed by a HP.
Great questioins - I can see that my boundaries need an upgrade. Part of me thought I had rigidity in my thinking and it was time for me to expand and grow... only, to realize he has a pattern of needing things on his terms. I thought that it was not uncommon to revisit issues more than once when couples were working on them. I became concerned that this wasn't the case and that he's great in a relationship only up to a certain point - and then he won't/ can't go further. It started to feel like he'd pick on things, get overly defensive, etc.
I'm not sure if I mentioned - when he withdrew from me for the entire weekend only to tell me on Monday that he felt confused about our relationship - didn't know if he wanted it... I took my power back and ended it. I told him I want a life partner who loved and cherished me. I wish I could have worked things out like healhty couples do, but if wasn't sure he wanted to be with me, then what's the point.
hey (((((((bud)))))))) Great work!! "taking your power back" by just deciding that "yea, I want a life partner and if you can not love and cherish me?? good luck, God bless, wish you well but I'm outta here" thats what I would say now to someone who "didn't know if he wanted me" I would allow him his freedom to be /do what he wants to be/do and I would be outta there.....his withdrawal speaks volumes and he even SAID he didn't know if he wanted the relationship....it happens...it does not make you less then or him..it just is what it is and I am so proud of you accepting the reality of what IS and not what you had hoped it would be....acceptance if the precurser to doing the "next right thing" BY and FOR YOU!!!! Hugs of support
