Jokes don't fix pain and desperation - Al-Anon Family Group

d53sjurne · Senior Member

Jokes don't fix pain and desperation

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

d53, I gave you (((((hugs))))) several times... for ur bro & mom & the tragedy & loss u suffered thru Katrina. In fact the whole room was trying to help you for the bit of time that I was there.

I told the fella from Australlia not to send any of his plastic money over, /bc they have plastic money, different sizes & colors in Oz, was NOT making fun of you in the slightest.

In fact I empathized, my family stayed, my uncles house that he was restoring was ruined, in fact like most of the ppl there, it destroyed their lives.

Forces of nature do things all over this planet every year destroying ppl's homes/families leaving them w/ nothing, so yes, they have to build up from zero, again & again.

I even saw ppl in there virtually praying over you.

Some ppl come to chat to get a laugh, others if they need to vent ought to just say, 'excuse me I need to vent off on a tear.' Thing with open chat is everyone is at difffernt levels of spiritual growth, understanding, involvement in the al-anon Program, life, age et cetera. Plus I personally have been hurt in chat, attacked, u name it, you have to sometimes QTIP & detach, learning to not take things so personally has been a growing process for me.

Again, it is open chat, so usually there are 6 conversations going on at once. People often think they are going thru something 'worse than anyone else' ~ like u said, "we are all human" ~ we can only fix ourselves, no one else.

I told u I tried two suicide attempts & survived - that's no joke - addictions are rampant in my family of origin - none of them want to "hear my painful story." So I come to where I am understood.

A lifetime of neglect or abuse is not cured overnight, I've been in & out of al-anon for 22 years.

We have meetings in there twice a day everyday, they are run strictly, orderly & politely, maybe that would be a "safer" and more receptive time for you (plus after the mtgs everyone is still pretty serious) but late night on Friday fish night! That is the jokiest, zaniest time to ever be in the room, at first I hated Friday's 'cause I always had a serious issue on my mind.

Hope to see you at a meeting: M-F 9a/9pm EST; Sat 10am/9pm & Sun 10am/7pm EST.

YANA ~ you are not alone, other's were talking about losing everything in hurricanes, I lost everything when I ranaway from my ex husband on vacation.

We come to al-anon thru tragedies, all of us are war victims, one way or another but SURVIVORS!

Hope you keep coming back & never let one person or experience 'ruin it' for you. You have to want your serenity ~ I know for what peace of mind I do have now, has not been w/out having LONG given up & fighting my way back & with the grace of God, saving my life on more than one occassion.

-Your friend in recovery, -Kitty of Light

p.s. Everyone deals with loss & grief differently, some ppl do make jokes... I watch a lot of stand-up comedy (cuz I desperately need laughter in my life) and most of them do mention the fact that their humor has come out of great pain... just all in how you choose to perceive.

Being married to an addict I thought was the worst experience of my life... 6-7 years later, now that he is completely forgiven & I have moved on w/ my spiritual growth, I realize God was desperate to get my attention placed back on to God & surrenderring to God - not on focusing what the A's in my life are doing or not.

Healing takes time, at elast it sure did with my hard head! I always say, "it's taken me this long to get so screwed up, it takes time to get deep & heal old wounds."

I'm an only child, no family, never knew my real father, just my mother & ever since I've been healing, she's pissed off at me! I guess nothing worth having is "easy" or what would the point be... where would the contrast be? If I didn't struggle, I wouldn't appreciate the great things I have worked so hard for.

Hang in there, lots of love, light & may God send Angels to protect you from visible & invisible enemies.

-- Edited by kitty at 07:12, 2006-03-25

Becky1 · ~*Service Worker*~

I am very sorry for your pain. The chatroom is a place for people to come and talk, vent, laugh, cry, whatever. You must realize that all of us there are in various stages of recovery. You may not always get what you feel you need from us at any given time. Please keep coming back, you never know when you may hear the words you so desperately need. The people in the room change all the time. If someone offended you, I am sure it was not their intention. We basically begin here as strangers who have come for a common goal. That is why you were possibly told to take care of yourself. That means just try to think of what you can do to better your situation. I used to think "oh, right, here I am just wanting to curl up and die, and these people tell me to take care of myself! I can't!" But, no matter how desperate my situation is, I have found I can turn to this room and find the comfort I need, and the words to help me heal. I am reminded to turn it over to HP. That everything happens in God's time. That I am loved.

We here have all been broken by this disease, and we come here seeking healing. Sometimes finding humor in the most humorless situations. Most of us do not joke around when someone else is hurting, although we sometimes poke fun at ourselves. Laughter is healing. We do not intend to be inattentive to your problems. I have found that if I am desperate, and the people in the room are just chatting and being silly for a moment, I can type in "HELP! Need to talk!" or something like that, and they will immediately stop and focus on me for a little while. It has been amazing.

I hope you come back, d53sjurne. I too have been deeply affected by alcohol, and am in severe pain due to separation from my husband, my A. I know I have been made very ill from the effects of living with it. But I can say, I have been helped greatly by the chatroom and this board. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Yours in recovery

Becky1

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

d53,

I was also in chat last night when you were there. I saw several people stop and talk to you, including myself. What needs to be recognized in chat is that everyone is there for a different reason and to fill their own needs. There are several different conversations going on at once and several people with needs all at the same time.

In a perfect world the whole room would stop and pay attention to one person, but the truth is there are many people with the same needs.

Sometimes, many times..the lightheartedness in chat is the only smile people get. I know for myself it was a welcome relief. My husband has almost died 2x in the last 6 wks and is still ill and I am 400 miles from home to bury my Mother in law. I am tired of grief and sorrow. I needed the laughter from my caring friends.

No offense, but it is rather selfish for us to think that we can go in the chatroom and everyone should stop their own needs and focus on one person. I saw that there were several people talking to you (myself included).

Are we to forget that other people's needs are just as important as our own? No, we are all there for individual reasons. One member's husband was out of state with some major problems going on, another was lonely, another needed laughter (me).

People come from all over the world with many needs. You are important to us, but please understand, everyone is important to us.

You asked questions like: where can I move with public transportation? I saw several answers for you, although I didn't know the answer. I did see that some people did stop their previous conversations for you.

Many times people will continue their conversations when they see that others are attending to a new persons needs. Sometimes people just don't know the answers and feel others are better suited to answer your questions.

Please don't be offended, you were paid attention to..keep coming back and you'll understand the dynamics of open chat a bit better.

Christy

peewee · Senior Member

Dear D53,

Thank you for posting on this board. I met you for the first time last night in chatroom, and I woke up this a.m. thinking about you and your situtation. I was trying hard to help you figure things out last night in chat.

I repeat, you can't walk into a room, especially in cyberspace, and expect instant answers from total strangers. I wanted to get to know you, as I'm sure all the others did too, and give you encouragement to seek additional help.

This is the most loving caring group I have ever met, whether in real life or online. It is just amazing to me that folks from all over the world can come together so graciously, accept me, listen, offer suggestions. I try to do the same in return.

Please, I hope you read all the replies here so far, and I agree with them totally, and admire their ability to state their explanations so well.

D, I continue to pray for you and I understand much of what you have been through.

MsPeewee

Ria · Senior Member

Hi D53sjurne. I really am very sorry that you felt humiliated, made fun of and ignored in chat last night. I was there myself. I had gotten 'lost' as the pace is very fast on Fridays so I was scrolling when i saw that you had said 'clannish huh?'. I clarified with you what you meant as things don't always come across as intended in text. I established that you were feeling excluded and asked if you needed to talk. I tried to explain how the room works (bearing in mind that I'm very new to it myself) for example several conversations happening simultaneously or when people leave the room while you're still speaking it isn't personal. We all have very different lives and are in different timezones.

I tried to be supportive even though I was in a great deal of physical pain and stayed in the room longer than I should as I had hoped to welcome and support the newcomers, that was my choice. Even the other newcomer tried to help you. I did specifically say that your circumstances were beyond my experience/understanding (therefore I was not the most 'qualified') but I tried to express sympathy for your pain as you are displaced, disabled and apparently alone. I personally felt a little uncomfortable as I became aware there were others in the room who were hurting and I was unable to even acknowledge them as I was already struggling to keep up. I didn't want to split my focus or to cause you to think I was being inattentive to you. Please be clear that I am not defending my actions or those of anyone else (I don't feel it's necessary) nor am I making excuses, I am simply explaining my view of what occured.

Many people responded to you and in my opinion, you were not ignored, though you say you felt like it and I respect your right to those feelings. Some people tried to relate as they had experienced similar loss. One had apparently suffered in Opal, another said she too had lost everything and went a year without money, another shared she had to rebuild when she had to leave her A but she did say she hadn't been hit by a hurricane. I tried to identify with your disability as did others. One person shared with you the tools of the program they had used to ease their feelings of financial insecurity. (Please God, I hope I'm not breaking anyone's anonymity and if I am, I apologise from the bottom of my heart and please pull me up on it!-pm me) I'm just trying to show clearly the ways in which people tried to reach out to you.

There were a few jokes but my understanding was that none of them were directed at you, they were other conversations. I just wanted to reassure you as you stated in your post that you were unable to tell what was sincere or not. When you said 'it's not funny' the people concerned explained themselves at the time to clarify that it was not an attack or an insult etc. In your post you mention that you were asked if you had any family, I'm not sure if you're referring to this happening in the room or whether it was the agencies who asked. When it happened in the room I think the person concerned was simply trying to establish if you had family whether they could offer you any help. You stated that your family were all A's and concerned only with their own problems, I'm sure we all related to that. I asked twice if there was a survivors group wondering whether you could contact them to share info/resources via phone, internet or snail mail as you haven't got transport. You didn't reply to me so I assumed that you didn't see my question. All I can say is I saw many people trying to come up with suggestions.

When I 'sensed' that you weren't finding it helpful I asked specifically what we could do for you, to clarify what sort of help or support you felt you needed. Again, I didn't receive a reply so I let it drop. It is an Al-anon principle that we learn to 'take care of ourselves' (as you're already aware, the A's surely aren't going to do it for us) and it is often said to people who are struggling to remind them that they deserve love and gentleness and if they can't get it from others they can do it for themselves. I'm truly saddened that you feel this way after your experience in chat especially as everyone was trying to support you. I feel disappointed that we obviously were unable to provide what you needed at that time in the way you wanted it. As you also said you didn't feel supported on the board I am very concerned for you. I hope you keep coming back.

Finally, I just wanted you to know that I personally felt hurt when you left the room without acknowledging our efforts (even though they were clearly unsatisfactory to you) and without saying goodbye. I also felt hurt that you were negative on the board about us as I wouldn't want it to discourage other newcomers. Al-Anon is my chosen family and I feel very protective when people are disparaging about it, that is my issue and I'm working on it. No family is perfect, I accept that and Al-Anon is no exception. I pray to God my mother will never be in your situation but if she were I would most definitely encourage her to take care of herself if I was unable to help support her needs, I may possibly make jokes if I felt humour were appropriate (and obviously I would be able to judge this better as I know my Mum) but no, I most definitely would not disconnect. This reply has taken me over three hours to construct as I'm in a great deal of pain still, I'm struggling to type and I also have difficulty maintaining mental clarity. I hope you can appreciate the effort as I'm still trying to acknowledge your pain and respect your feelings as I hope you do mine. I will pray for you and wish you strength to get through the difficult times ahead.

With love in the fellowship

Maria

jrtjosey · ~*Service Worker*~

I wasn't there, but don't give up. There will be a time you will be able to find laughter as medicine! If it is goof just typr (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! help) and someone will listen. Like Kitty said we follow mulitiple converstions at the same time, but in my experince if somene asks for help, you will see a lot of people say "listening or go ahead g/a"'

Josey

Lunamoth · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi D53

I was in chat last night also, I too am sorry you feel you were neglected. I don't agree that you were though. You had many people actively talking to you, I'm not sure what you were expecting, but it must have been very different than you had hoped.

One thing is that, yes this is al-anon, and we are responsible for working our own program. I felt as if you were looking for direct answers. We don't give advice here. How are we to know what is best for you? We share experience, strength, and hope. I know several tried to share with you their experiences, but I felt as if you were looking for direct answers. Someone asked if you had faith, even encourged you to look to your HP for some of the answers that you were needing. This is because we are not qualified to tell you what you should do. It's alanon, we aren't suppose to do this.

I am really sorry you were unhappy with your first visit to the chat room. Maybe you'll consider giving it another try.

jonibaloni21 · Veteran Member

Hello D53,

I had a post going and lost it. So will try to give the short version.

I too was in chat last nite. I too have been hurt in chat, but was so sensitive I took everything personally. I had to learn to QTIP;quit taking it personally. Many of us were trying to help you , we are NOT allowed to flat-out tell you what to do! You have to make decisions concerning your life and sometimes when under stress that's very hard to do! I know have been there too. I tried to communicate the "hopelessness " I have felt in the most similar situation I have been thru to show that when you are in the situation , there seems no way out, BUT, we did live thru it and survived and you will too. We all told you we'd pray for you and told you to rely on your HP and in the mean time take care of yourself the best way you could. I felt like you really wanted us to tell you we'd send you money or rent you a U-Haul truck and come get you personally , and take you where you wanted to go. We too have problems and we also think ours are important. I'm not being blunt to hurt you, I'm being blunt to show you that we're humans too, and have been in that hopeless place you are at, but we did offer suggestions of charities or places we have found help at. We also offered that we'd been out on the street before too, and lived to tell about it. NO it wasn't fun and we hated it and asking for help at the time, but we lived thru it and NOW we're offering others help the way we know how. Each person must summon the strength within themselves to search for the avenues to find their answers to the problems in their lives, just as no one can cause , cure, or control the alcoholic, no one can cause , cure , or control your life but you. No one can take control of your situation but YOU! Even without transportation , even without money, even without any ways that you can see, SOMETHING WILL work out because our HP will see to it! It's never in our way or timing, but something (not always what we want or like) will happen and we have to do what it takes to climb back outta the well! It's most of the time a long long long climb and then we offer the encouragement to others to climb outta their wells the same way .

Have you ever heard the story of the donkey in the well? Well , just in case you haven't here it is:

A farmer had a donkey, an old donkey and he heard the donkey braying and found him in an old abandoned well. The farmer thought of many ways to get him out, but being that he was an old donkey, and he didn't want to spend the money on getting him out, he decided to just bury him in the well. So he got a shovel and started throwing dirt into the well. Each time he shoveled dirt into the well, the donkey would shake the dirt off and step all over the dirt and pack it down. The farmer kept shoveling and the donkey kept shaking the dirt off of himself and stepping up on the mound of dirt in the well. The farmer finally had shoveled enough dirt into the well that the donkey just took one last step out of the well onto the land where the farmer was standing and they both went back home.

Anyway , I prayed for you last nite that the Lord would help you find a way out of your situation and get you where you need to be and that he would do it in a way that there was no doubt how you got there , that it was something only your HP could've done for you. He might work thru people to do it, or in some other unexpected way, but you'll know for sure it was Him. I hope that you will let us know how you're doing and let us know when you get to your new place. And how it happened.

Because whether you realize it or not , we do care about you and tried to show you that we do. Come back and you will realize that we are a big group of very caring people and we talk about everything under the sun , all at the same time! IN CHAT. In a meeting it's one-at-a-time, so try some of those and see if they apeal to you more,either way keep coming back , it works if you work it and you're worth it! We all are!

Your friend in alanon,

Jonibaloni21

d53sjurne · Senior Member

Hello all,

Seems the issue is here again. Newbies in chat !!!!! What do we do ????

Does sharing esh do any good if the same thing repeats ? Last night i did a "brb" in open chat. I have been conditioned now on how to be there as I decided to "Hang around awhile and readjust. To ask questions after the fact sort of to say". When I came back I felt a replay of past gone by. I scrolled back as i didnot disconnect and loose all the stuff i missed as I remembered what it was like for me and wanted to see where all of it started. I found the girl in desperations email as I read and noted it in case something could be followed up on, if it wasn't too late. I felt so helpless and upset to see "it" happening again for some one else. Instead of plastic money and fish nite, "it" was religion and etc. I tried to ask if putting the email addy up I retrieved would be approapriate to try to continue to assist the person that already left and who knows where she went.

Were we to late to help her ? Can she be found to explain to her how it works when a newbie comes to open chat ? Should "it" be looked at again to decide upon what and how "a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience" would best be served for ALL of us. "We are but trusted servants, not governing". The ones that lead are also on a healing jurne and can only do the best they can in their service to us. Using their experience the best they can and at the same time also in recovery. So greatful to have them in their humanness to help guide us in recovery too.

I am posting this here to bring it to the fore front so as it seems to relate to the problem. If you decide you see a similarity and want to share, PLEASE DO SO HERE. And if you feel "it" important, please bring "it" to a meeting of our group consciousness !!!

Your Sister in RECOVERY ,too. BLESSINGS TO ALL d53sjurne

Other related posts 3-25-06 Seems many dont know of Fish nite and, Newcomers in chat revisited Slogans : Keep an Open Mind Listen and Learn Take what you like and leave the rest

What will you choose to think or say ?

-- Edited by d53sjurne at 21:20, 2006-04-12

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.