The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In previous posts I have talked about my anger and my worry. Living with an alcoholic or with someone who has mental health and is out of control can be so overwhelming that the other people in the home can't help but hold on tight and bear another blow of bad news. I have lived my life like this for many years even before the alcoholic. As a child, I felt so disappointed by my father who would make promises and never follow through. My mother who took his verbal abuse for so long that she thought she deserved to die. Living through two suicide attempts and a bad night she took off and drove to Texas I began living life treading lightly so I wouldn't rock the boat.
Well, my Dad lives alone and has been alone for many many years. He regrets how he treated my mother and I know a part of him believes he deserves to be alone. He is not a man of faith at least I don't think so. Maybe later on he will come to believe in a power greater than himself. I am learning to put my boundaries in our relationship, because he can still reduce me to a small crying child in one sentence. I've watched him do this to my "a". He really doesn't understand that you can't talk down to people. So, I guess this is where I got it from. My "a" would always say you make me feel like a stupid child. You feel like my mother not my partner. Truth is I never learned how to partner. I learned how to survive and just say whatever I felt I needed to say, even if was a scathing remark. My mouth has gotten me in trouble more times than I can count.
Worrying about things is just something I've always done, I worry and project into the future and get myself all worked up emotionally before anything has even happened. I thought about this today because I would do this to myself and still do when I'm worried about the "a", my kids, my job, anything really. It's like I'm trying to prepare myself for the future before it ever happens. I think as a child I worried because I thought my worry would chase away that bad thing I was thinking about. The truth is these things may never happen to me, but they are my fears. My fears need to be put to rest along with my worrisome behaviors. So many arguments were caused by these projecting thoughts into the future. It would change my mood and affect and the "a" would come out of the room happy to be alive and I'd be in the kitchen stewing and brewing over something that never even happened. Isn't this ridiculous What a nut job I must look like. Well not a nut job just someone who has a couple screws loose to allow this stinking thinking to rob me of my peace and joy. I don't think I could have put this into a different perspective without this program and the Alanon readers.
So when those creepy and dreary thoughts pop into my head I need to replace them with ODAT thoughts and maybe the "Don't Worry Be Happy" song.
Anybody share these thoughts? Please share. Have a great day.
Hugs to all,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I have a tongue like a sword. I learned it from my mother. It was her survival mechanism that she aquired to deal with my A father. If I could have learned to shut my mouth and keep my own side of the street clean I would have a relationship now! I have managed to yell, scream and belittle every man who ever set foot in my life. So yes...I understand how you feel. I always attract A's. The last one was a sober one and he still had the same attributes. I have always wanted to be the sweet thoughtful one. I start out that way and it always seems to turn. I end up angry and resentful and unreasonable. Just plain impossible to deal with most of the time. I used to worry about everything...my job, the bills, where my A was. I have had so much emotional and financial upheavel in the last few years that I have finally learned. This too shall pass. Even though at the time it doesn't seem that way. I just try to make it through today. Today I will have a program. I may not work it, bit I will have it.
Hi twinmom, I really wanted to reply to this post but am feeling too unwell to formulate my thoughts. I just wanted you to know I hear you and I relate. Hopefully, when I'm feeling better I can come back and respond more fully. Thanks for posting.
Live in the NOW. None of us knows what is around the corner. You probably are carrying a lot of emotional baggage around from your relationship with your father and we tend to bring our childhood reactions to things into our adult lives. Very hard to break some patterns. You are a special person don't be too hard on yourself. Luv Leo xx
What a nut job I must look like. Well not a nut job just someone who has a couple screws loose to allow this stinking thinking to rob me of my peace and joy. I don't think I could have put this into a different perspective without this program and the Alanon readers. 