Hi Rickbrins,

I've had some experience with being the in law family scapegoat for a spouses alcoholism/addiction. Since you mentioned that you wish her family were in Alanon, you know that recovery can make all the difference for understanding that other people are not the cause of someone else's substance addiction. What I felt was not so much jealousy but loneliness and isolation. I felt like an outsider looking in. This bred resentment because rationally I knew I wasn't the cause of my spouse's substance abuse but being blamed over and over takes a toll on a person. This is where stengthening my place within my own support system Alanon became so important. The family dynamics and "left out" feelings you describe are common but our own fellowship - Alanon is a great place to receive unconditional love, support and validation of our feelings. I tended to feel a bit ashamed about my feelings of jealousy and loneliness concerning my spouse's new found friends in AA. After all, shouldn't I have been ecstatic that he'd gotten sober and just sucked up any feelings of discomfort I personally was having with this new way of life? Sharing these feelings with others in Alanon helped me feel less alone. Having a home group to visit with each week and working the Alanon program gave me a sense of belonging.

At Alanon meetings, there was an opportunity to work the 12 steps of AA the Alanon way and a chance to be self supporting in all sorts of ways. Sure, I believed I had been the "responsible" one and had been taking care of myself and him for a long time. But this was more about supporting myself emotionally. The 3 A's of Alanon were very helpful for this - Awareness, Action, Acceptance. I began learning how to be more pro active in creating my own personal happiness and learning what healthy inter-dependence between partners looked like rather than dependence. I've heard it said in Alanon that the alcoholic wraps their hands around the bottle and we wrap our hands around the alcoholic. My personal experience was that I was still wrapping my hands around the alcoholic in an unhealthy way after he found a program. Working the steps with an Alanon sponsor and listening to how others use the tools of the program in their lives and homes helps me to keep growing.

Today, I share my life with someone in recovery in AA. Although I'm in Alanon and he is in AA, both programs involves surrendering our lives to a power greater than ourselves, being honest, maintaining humility and offering gratitude daily.  These principles bond us despite each of us working separate 12 step programs and being in separate meeting places with people the other person doesnt know. We keep communication open but have boundaries concerning what's shared in our meetings. Aside from maybe asking what was your topic tonight, nothing else from our meetings is discussed with one another.  Sometimes that can lead to great topic discussions and hopefully growth for each of us. Partners in recovery can be a real gift. There really are no guarantees of anything in life - sobriety or being with someone for the rest of our lives for that matter. What I do know, is I'm guaranteed unconditional love of my higher power and serenity as I continue to seeking the god of my understanding. Thank you for sharing. Hope you'll keep coming back for recovery with us one day at a time.  ((hugs))) TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 11th of March 2017 12:56:44 PM

(((((Tiredtonight))))) mahalo plenty for your ESH...truly right on what and how you share it It compares so very well with what I learned and how I also work it and with the consequences it has on my life today.  I was supposed to be here and read into the faith of this program.

I also am supposed to read your share Rick because on a daily basis I can still experience being a new comer (newbie ho ho) scrambling around for the "fix" the answers for peace of mind and serenity I know that scramble  and today it only worries me just a bit because of the faith that has grown within by doing exactly what you have done here...reach out with the absence of fear and with humility (being teachable) and practicing open mindedness with faith.  Our program repeats that "this works when you work it" while also saying progress NOT perfection.  (Miracles in Perfection....Mahalo John F).  Keep coming back brother...keep flying meeting to meeting.  The runway here is level and long.    ((((hugs))))