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I am looking for a list of ways to verify sobriety/mental stability for a parenting plan. What are the sober parents asking for to keep the kids safe if/when there is a relapse? I am in California
For example:
monthly random drug test
psychiatrist signing off to report on medication noncompliance
verification of attendance to AA meetings
option to demand a drug test
Does anyone have any experience with a coparenting therapist to help write out the parenting plan?
Who implements the plan? I don't want to be the booze police anymore, but i know that if there is no one watching the lying and sneaking start up again. I heard I could hire a parenting supervisor to implement the plan. That person would be psychologist or a lawyer. That sounds expensive.
One focal point could be family court services who attend with us to this serious problem. Getting a family court judge to rule on the procedure will work. I've worked with it in the past. Additionally the YMCA and YWCA who have parenting procedures for this kind of "broken family" conditions will be able to help. Good Luck.
Are you attending face to face Al-Anon Family Groups in your area. That will take care of your commitment to parenting. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
If the court or DSS (family services) are involved, ask the caseworker to ask the judge (if the court is involved) or have the caseworker to write it into the parenting plan.
How long has the parent been attending AA? My experience would be that if they do not already have a good solid record of recovery - a year or more in a formal recovery program with no relapses - it is safest to assume that they will be drinking. So the safe assumption is "They are drinking until a whole lot of experience for a year or more suggests that it is truly in the past," not "It is safe to assume they will not be drinking unless they fail one of the sobriety requirements."
Assuming that they will be drinking, then it's necessary to put safeguards in place with that assumptiong. For instance, those might be: no opportunity to drive anywhere with the child (not just "promising not to," but not having any chance to), supervised visitations, or the parent and the child visit by walking to a pizza place and having lunch together, or whatever is appropriate to the situation.
In my experience, the alcoholic parent claiming that he is sober all the time now, and of course he wouldn't drink while supervising a child, what do you take him for, are you paranoid, etc. - all of those things should be taken with a grain of salt. I never made a mistake in planning for things to be safe if he should be drinking. I did make some mistakes in assuming he would be sober, and then he wasn't. Or he'd leave sober and come back drunk. Etc.
In my experience, no amount of checks guarantees anything. My ex-AH had a breathalyzer fitted to his car, by court order, for a year. Did he drive drunk anyway? You bet. I don't know if he got a friend to blow into it or what, but it hardly stopped him for a moment. They are sneakier than non-alcoholics can believe.
