The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I didn't know my brother was using alcohol. He hid it from us. He lives in another town and would call me daily, but he wouldn't allow me to go see him. He would call and cancel all the time at last minute. The last time he came to visit my mom was 4 years ago. I saw him 1 year ago and he looked okay. I am not used to people lying to me. If you ask me what I drink, I will show you. So I had no idea that people did that.
He told me he had liver problems, but said it was using chemicals at his work and it hurt his liver. He told me the doctor told him he couldn't have even one drink because of liver. I told him, well you should do as doctor says. He would complain physical problems, but I thought it was because he was depressed. He had a stack of medical reports and I know at some point, with depression, you have to accept, it's not physical. He was seeing a psychologist and several psychiatrists for his depression. Yet he hid the drinking. His best friend didn't know. His kids knew, but wouldn't tell me. Only the one boy knew how much.
So now he's basically dying from these liver problems. I feel guilty because I didn't see it. I told him to stop going to medical doctors for his depression, and stick to the psychologist and psychiatrist for his PTSD.
He did call an ambulance for help and admit his drinking problem. It's too late now, and I feel like I should have known.
((Lucy)) I so understand. However, as Sarah has pointed out we truly are powerless over others. Had he wanted you to know, he would have share this with you.
Now that he is in hospice you will have the opportunity to express your love, concerns and support during this difficult time.
If you go to a couple of meetings, either here on line or face to face, you may be amazed at how quickly you can understand your powerlessness over alcohol. I went for a long time believing what my wife told me, because she is not a liar, not ever. Until she became an alcoholic. She still doesn't lie about anything, except alcohol. She is in recovery, so she has figured out that she is even lying to herself about alcohol, which is also what a lot of people do as well.
(((Lucy))) - I am sorry you are in pain. You could not possibly have know what was going on. We only know what people tell us and show us and when they want to hide, they do a good job.
I also would suggest going to some meetings. It can help you see that you are really not alone in your feelings, and give you local support, help and hope.
I too am sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
