The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ever since the incident with the money taken out of my wallet I have been a little stuck, I guess. I don't know what to call it, I cant really describe it.... I know Im a little off kilter since the 9 month infant foster child of my neighbors that I babysit is currently in a hospital on a ventilator and in critical condition....I don't know if its just that and I am applying it to my A...or what I am doing. I am afraid, I am anxious, mostly afraid though. This baby boy was my distraction when I needed to take my focus off my A and it landed on him. I see him almost every day, and now he is not here.
But for the past two days whenever my A says something that isn't right, or I get an update about our boy and I cant reach my A and I should be able to, I become almost paralyzed with fear. Sweating palms, heart racing fear....I can feel it just overcome me. I can hear myself say out loud oh great, he's relapsed, and now I have to leave him, because I said I would if he relapsed again, and I don't have my boy either. I don't know that my husband has relapsed. Some of his behaviors do send up red flags that this is just another band aid approach but I don't know his thought process and his motives. So I don't know that. But when these moments come those words, I don't know that, are pounced off my head like a shield, it cant crack through.
Sounds to me as if you are having panic attacks. One book that really helped my sister when she was having them was called Mindfulness. Helps you to stay in the moment and not project problems for the future. And it helps you to examine your thinking. Aside from that, do attend as many meetings as you can as others will help you to put the emphasis on you and help you heal.
So sorry about the baby. Hope he is alright. Prayers are being sent for both you and that wee tot.
((Suzann)) try reciting the serenity payer when you are feeling fearful and remember that you are not alone and can always change your mind regarding your decisions regarding your hubby. Positive thoughts and prayers for your family and the little boy.
I too get anxious thinking about what will happen when my husband drinks again. He is not into AA, he doesn't think he's an alcoholic, though he said he is quitting. I told him that he's free to make his life choices, whether to drink or not to drink. I too have set a boundary for myself that I am separating from him when he drinks again. Going thru life with him actively drinking is too much for me to take again. Many times I think about what will happen if he does drinks again. At times I wonder what he is doing when he is out and away, could he be drinking? But I try to shake this off and try to live one day at a time and try not to project what will happen in the future. I keep reminding myself that God will take care of that, of me and my husband. I keep on reminding myself to "detach" with love and care, to let him live his life. I continue to pray for my husband and lift him up to God, reminding myself that I could not control, cure nor cause his drinking. I still keep my boundary because it is giving me hope that I am not doomed to a miserable life, it keeps me from worrying and fretting on what to do because I already know what to do. I have this boundary because I would like to be happy as I grow old and not live in misery. I also lift this boundary to God and pray to always guide me and prompt me to respond according to His will. In my prayers, I'll remember you and all the others who are suffering from the effects of alcoholism. It takes one to truly empathize. Sometimes I don't understand the logic of the tools, sometimes I see some contradictions and confusion (as some would express it in this board). But this is where I found hope that I can still have a good life despite, that I am not doomed. So I just trust the process, it has not harmed me so far. May we always be enlightened and keep on our journey with faith and courage... one day at a time.
(((Hugs)))
My hope is that today is a better day for you fooled! I am sending you prayers and positive thoughts!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
