Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Lucy125 · Senior Member

I feel like a bad person....

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. One thing to know is that, as I understand it, the doctors won't do liver transplants on someone unless he stops drinking and they feel he has a good chance of staying stopped. I was just reading an article about someone in this situation - http://deadspin.com/the-writer-who-was-too-strong-to-live-1785661187. (Warning: article is sad.) So however much you wanted to donate part of your liver, the likelihood as I understand it is that the doctors wouldn't agree to go ahead with it. I recognize that after all the pain and trouble you've been through, going through a bigger sacrifice for your wayward brother is not something many of us would sign up for. People like that of course don't have to be answered because they don't have the awareness we do, though it sure can be disturbing when they are judgemental. Because I am more snide than people should be, my temptation would be to say, "The doctors wouldn't go ahead with that unless they felt secure that [Brother] was going to get and stay sober, so you should probably talk to [Brother] if you want more on that." But I'm sure saying that is not the best choice! Still, it does rub the wrong way when we're already in so much pain and people with no experience rush in with their opinions and judgement. I hope you can take good care of yourself.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((Anne)) I agree completely with Mattie. My son's alcoholism mirrored that of the newspaper person in the story. We are indeed powerless over this disease.

Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Anne))) - sending you positive thoughts and prayers. The situation sounds sad and chaotic without listening to the input and reactions of others. Getting actively involved with recovery will help you realize that what others think doesn't matter near as much as what your truth is.

This disease is devastating well beyond the drinker. I have a close friend who has a brother that was alcoholic. He ended up on the transplant list, and did the required work to get sober. At the 6 month mark, they determined his liver had repaired itself to a satisfactorily functioning level. He no longer needed a transplant at that time.

He was given a very strict diet and of course was told to refrain from alcohol. He was sober 6 years when he then was diagnosed and passed away from esophageal cancer. He was not ever a smoker, but the extensive drinking may have contributed to the cancer's location. He died sober and very grateful for the second chance he got in life, even if it was shorter than desired.

The liver is a miraculous organ. Unlike so many others, it has many properties that allow it to heal itself in the right set of circumstances. Living donors are possible because of it's unique abilities. My only point - we know that alcoholism is a disease and it is progressive with the possible result of death. We never know if one will seek recovery, stay recovered, and/or what the plan is for their life.

Living in the moment and focusing on our own recovery is always the best choice. Not always easiest but certainly much more manageable. (((Hugs))) and prayers for your brother too.

Rinn · Senior Member

I think that you have a good solid knowledge of your opinion, and limitations. Knowing your limitations is very important. You do not have to justify this to anyone. You have a full helping of responsibility on your plate with kids, and care for family members.

Just keep in mind as you talk with them, their liver would probably be just as appreciated. Perhaps you could give them the number to test for a match. If your brother can't use a living donation due to his sobriety probably someone could. It is wonderful they have such a generous idea. (granted their generosity was donating your liver, but that is really besides the point) I would just encourage them to donate, and praise their WONDERFUL idea.

I hope you keep up caring for yourself. Being a caregiver is very stressful at times. Just take time for you and your recovery too! You are just as important as everyone else in your life who needs help.

-Rinn

Lucy125 · Senior Member

Thank you for your kind words. Yes living in the moment is the thing. It's very difficult. My qualifier, LONG BEFORE HE TOOK TO DRINKING, was not a nice person. I shall not tell stories. Let's just say there was a distinct lack of empathy for others long before he became out of control with drink. The drinking made it so much worse. Far worse. I think alcohol magnifies the problems. I hope and pray that he gets well, but the personality problem was there a long time ago. Let us all have empathy for one another. Be nice to each other. That makes life easier.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

You have a responsibility to take care of your kids. That is where all your efforts should lie.

Keep on taking care of yourself.

Lucy125 · Senior Member

Wow that article sounds so familiar. Exactly what happened to us. Talented beyond belief.... My friend thinks this is like child stars. They just can't handle it when the fame and the adulation wanes. So sad. I don't judge because I don't know the heart on why this happens.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Anne - the reality of living in the moment suggests that no matter who or what he is, you get to decide what is right for you, your family and your life. These are the freedoms we gain in recovery. I do know from the experience I shared above that there is a bunch of testing they do on the donor beyond the physical match.

I must admit I liked Rinn's response also. We so often (us and others) think we know what should happen and by whom. I too agree that the whole process is fascinating and life saving/changing. If those talking about it to you continue to persist, you can surely suggest they go check for a match. Why not....right?

(((Hugs))) - staying in the here and now really does help me avoid falling into the drama hole often circling around alcoholics. Keep coming back!

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Anne,

According to University of California at San Francisco, "A living donor doesn't have to be a blood relative of the liver recipient but you must have a compatible blood type." So I would agree with the above, when someone tells you they think you should be a donor, tell them the facts as you know them, and that they could just as likely be a donor as you. Would they be willing to volunteer themselves instead of you?

Kenny

sarahGee · Senior Member

It is unreasonable to expect someone to give a part of their liver, no matter what the circumstances are.

It is really difficult to untwist yourself from a pile of enablers (I know, I'm working on this at the moment as well) but it is possible.
As Kenny above mentioned, arm yourself with knowledge and offer them the facts.

You are committed to your own children and anyone that expects otherwise of you, is someone you need to take a good look at and question their motive (enabling).

Lucy125 · Senior Member

Someone told me, you have to be the same size or larger anyways for transplant. Don't know if true. Living a day at a time.

I was just taken aback after all these people use me to clean up after them. It's like I have no feelings or needs in their eyes. I am the family scapegoat, so they only call me when I am supposed to clean something up or do something for someone. Not kidding, the family has had parties and gatherings where they don't invite me and I find out about it later. I recently went to a funeral of a someone I grew up with. He died of cancer. Most of the people at the funeral didn't even know who I was. I was invisible as a child. When I told them my name, the people asked about the other people in my family. If you ever watched movie Harry Potter, that's what I felt like growing up. The others always got the best and I got left overs. The family went to all my brother's things, but most of the time, nobody came to my stuff, or just my dad came. I used to think it was curse, but now I think it's a blessing.

Brother actually spoke to me on phone today. He's embarrassed and doesn't want us around. I guess avoiding the consequences of his drinking at the moment. At least their's on booze in convalescent home. I really hope he gets better, but I am told it won't happen. We will see. I don't want to see anyone suffer.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene