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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> AH just informed me he will be with his mom on Christmas and New Year
Post Info TOPIC: AH just informed me he will be with his mom on Christmas and New Year
jocelgp


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AH just informed me he will be with his mom on Christmas and New Year
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My husband has not been drinking for about 2 months now.  Not that he has realised for himself but because I expressed my feeling that I don't think I can still live with drinking problem around.  I am not stopping him, in fact I refuse to agree, disagree nor engage everytime he would bring out the topic or would inform me that he's going out with friends.  He resents me for this.  I remain firm in telling him that I have nothing to do with what he will do.  It's his choice and decision.  But he also knew that I also have a choice on what I will do when he starts drinking again.  We are treating each other nicely, civil to each other but there we are "cold" to each other as husband and wife.  Perhaps we both have fear that separation is clearly a possibility and we both would like to spare ourselves of additional hurt.

Yesterday, he announced to me as an advance info that he will be staying with his mom for Christmas and New Year.  He did not ask me to come with him, it's clearly a declaration that he prefers to be there than be with me.  I said he's free to be where he wants to be if it will make him happy but I admitted to him that I am hurt.  I am hurt because he is always preferring his mom over me.  But he's not that close to his mom, their family seldom bonds.  So what's wrong with wanting to spend Christmas and New Year with own mom?  Was is just me making a big issue out of it?  In the back of my mind I know that the reason is drinking (lots of drinking during these holidays right?), just like what happened a month ago wherein he told me that he would like to stay with his mom for awhile.  I know that he is no longer happy living with me, because he could not drink freely as before.  He hates that I got to meet people from Al-anon, he hates the new me, my disposition about his drinking. I am not stopping him, but he is feeling uncomfortable with my attitude, with how I am taking his drinking problem.

Yes I'm deeply hurt that he prefers to be away on this occasions and I'm sad because I know that if he pushes thru with this, it's a clear indication to me that I have to totally let go of him, of us, of our relationship as husband and wife...



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hotrod


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Hello  Jocelgp I am sorry to read that you are in pain and unsettled over your husband's decision to spend the Holidays with his mom..  I like how you have processed the incident, seeing how he is able to drink freely there and not at your home  with  you.  It is not not personnel,he is accommodating  his disease.

It appears that you can talk it over with him and possibly reach a  compromise and share Christmas Eve together.

Good Luck  

 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
SerenityRUS


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Hi Jocelap,

You know Christmas and New Years is a LONG ways off and based upon experience of how fast things can change .. lol .. trust me .. he may be singing a different tune come Thanksgiving.

Great program work and understanding of this is about him and his choices not you.

Hugs S :)

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Iamhere


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I am with Serenity on this - staying in today helps keep me grounded and keeps me from projecting. So many things can change when the disease is active, planning for the holidays now certainly would not work in my world.

I am sorry for your pain - try to just breathe and working on one day at a time!!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
Calm Lady


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Sorry for your distress.

My first thought as a person living with active AH is that things change in an instant. Hubby makes big announcement about something he is going to do.

I have learnt to not react, take it with a pinch of salt and usually it is all forgotten by him and doesn't happen, God love him. He says things but his disease has other plans. 

Often he seems to enjoy saying them and that's it. He is happy. That's where it ends. However I find if I make and fuss and engage. Well his disease turns it into an exciting big battle for him. Boom. My peace is gone, and he has something to self righteously drink at!

Hope this helps. This is how it is in my home.



-- Edited by Calm Lady on Monday 31st of October 2016 02:18:25 AM

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> AH just informed me he will be with his mom on Christmas and New Year