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My husband has been in rehab for over a month. He will return soon, and I'm not sure what to do. We can only speak on occasion while he is in there. While I understand why they have the policy, it's left us with unresolved issues that would be better worked on while he has professionals around him. I live too far to visit, to attend family meetings. Sometimes, he sounds great. Other times, erratic. I'm worried that it is so close to his return, and he is speaking in a way that really confuses me. I want to make things right with him. I love my husband. Yet, it's like he is a stranger sometimes. As much as I miss him, I worry about his return. I am so ill-prepared.
You are not alone and we I think are all ill prepared for the return of a newly sober loved. The best thing that I did for myself and for my loved one was to embrace Al-anon and learn to detach myself from the outcomes of their sobriety. He will need to be very focused on his sobriety for a long time to come, it will seem like he is incredibly self absorbed, that nothing else matters but meetings and more meetings..... early sobriety is rough, I had to learn to quit taking it all so personally when my qualifier snapped at me or was irritable. That does not mean I simply took it all, I just learned to focus on myself and what I needed to be doing for my own recovery . Prior to Al anon I was full of advice and spent a lot of my time and energy monitoring her behaviour, checking up, asking questions over and over again and trying to make sure she remained sober. That did not work and until I accepted that I was powerless and my own life was unmanageable , I felt very stuck. Now I do my best to leave my AD to her own recovery and I focus on mine. Some days I do better then others, but I can say that I have a whole lot better grip on myself and have much more peace in my life even when things are not going as well as I would like them to. If you haven't already, try to find yourself a local meeting to go to where you will find the support you need. There is also online meetings here that have been helpful to me as well.
Frejya, I totally relate to you. What a yucky feeling. I was told "I'm not in love with you anymore but I was told not to make any changes for 6 months" by my husband upon return. SO gross. He told me he didn't feel that way anymore after being home a couple of weeks. I don't know if they have a clue what they feel when they get out. I only learned while he was in how important it was to learn to help myself and really take care of myself. I still struggle, but I'm worth it. Another amazing idea I learned then was to be gentle with myself...total foreign idea. If I don't have to be right all of the time or even at all, but just good to myself, it really let's me breathe a little. Things are not good now in my situation but I am so thankful for the tools I've learned through Alanon. It gives me a place to go (physically, emotionally, and intellectually) when before I would've just felt hopeless. You are important and wonderful. Focus on you...you deserve this!
There is never (unfortunately) a crystal ball that helps us see what tomorrow (or even later today) may bring. I also encourage you to find local Al-Anon meetings and attend. So often, those of us who have lived with or loved an alcoholic can't see clearly how we too are affected by the disease. Our thinking and actions are distorted from trying to understand, change, control, persuade others and at times, just to survive.
Al-Anon will give you the support and tools you need to recover from the disease and how it has impacted you. It takes time in recovery (AA & Al-Anon) to change things and rehab is just a starting point. Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It's difficult, because he does not make a lot of sense, anger directed in unusual places. It's scary, but it feels like he is a stranger to me. He had issues before, but after I left for a month and returned, he was out of his mind. I hope the rehab helps, but there are things being said that are mind-boggling.
I just wanted to add, he actually called me up and apologized, pretty much admitting that he's feeling a little out of his mind. I found out about a possible support group in my town I'm checking into. No doubt, our family will need all the help it can get. It's surprising how fast something like this can spring up. It's been there a while, but where it just suddenly got so out of control.
With my RAH first round of rehab I found myself trying to control his recovery. That's what good support wives do right? Asking questions, empowering myself to make decisions for him. I found when I stopped trying to peak around the corner at what my HP had in store for me down the road, I was able to stop the anxiety that made me question where I stood with my RAH. When I turned the focus back onto me and started to look just on me, my role, it became easier to accept where I was and where I was going. Gather what tools you can and work for you, keep coming back.
Frejya - yay for you in doing some research to seek support. I am so very grateful that I found the support and fellowship in Al-Anon that I did. It literally changed my life in so many ways and gave me back my ability to be sane most of the time. Do what you can each 24 hours to support you and yours and leave his recovery to him. I am glad that he was able to call you back and own his part. That's what recovery teaches us to do - both sides of the house.
There is no doubt that early recovery is hard and frightening. I know that I was a total nut-case for a long, long while. The best support you can provide is to give him space to find his new person without substances.
Great share and awareness Fooled. It is difficult to turn our thoughts and days back to us, but it sure does get better when we are able to do so!!
(((Hugs))) to all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I keep hearing this, about not trying to control the situation. While I understand it, there is a fine line between when you are being controlling, and when you are trying to keep your own life from falling apart. I have boundaries that have been demolished as his addiction came in like a wrecking ball. Had I not kept him from getting out of hand, he'd have lost his job. If he lost his job, we could lose our home, not make our car payment. Aside from the mundane matter, it's like seeing a loved one in the train track, a train headed toward them. Do you hope the train stops? Do you hope they smarten up to dodge it? Do you make the assumption one of these things will happen, when you have plenty of time to shove them out of the way? Certainly, it's their own mistake if they get hit, but really...what do you do? There is such a fine line between unconditional love, and being a fool. I want to offer unconditional love. I feel remarkable guilt when I have thoughts as to, "Do I really want to live like this if he don't stop"?
I was with a man in the past that had similar issues. I was young, and waited for him to grow out of it, or make a decision for himself to get help, everything people told me I should do. After all, he'd lost his best friend to cancer, so I excused a lot of behavior. I didn't tell him it was ok to do it. I just didn't press. It would take time, and I accepted this. Eventually, I found I wasted years of my life for nothing.
My husband knew all of this when we got together. He made promises that I'd never deal with these kinds of things. He drank, on occasiona getting drunk mostly in social situations with others doing the same, but it wasn't out of hand, or something to make my business. When problems at work got bad, his drinking increased. I found myself having to say, "3-4-5 is enough", so he would slow down. He'd sneak and drink a few more, but knowing I was watching, usually didn't get stupid about it. It was after I had to go out of town and wasn't around that all hell broke lose. He nearly did lose his job. Some terrible things did happen at his work. I understand his need to escape the feelings around it, but to mess up our life together over it? I get it when I look at it from a third person perspective, but from my own, it's crushing. I'm about to start college, and having to start later than I wanted. I thought we had everything figured out. It's like a practical joke from fate itself, to give me a sense of well being, then deliver this punchline. I don't want to face these painful issues while trying to study. God help me, I know that sounds selfish, but I'm over 40. It's taken me a very long time to get into college and better my life, and it hasn't been an easy life. Just when everything in my world was going well enough, I'm back to square one. I can step back, let what happens, happen. But should he fall again, I could end up having gotten a student loan for nothing. I could lose everything. I could not maintain this home. I have few friends, no family in this country. It's not fair. I can't help feeling angry about this. I gave up the small amount of security in my life to be with this man, and I've really tried to be good to him.
But know that in saying these things, I'm mostly venting. I do love him. I do plan to stand by him until I have nothing left within me to offer, and even then I'll try. I know I'm not the only one who asks what seems a selfish question of, "Why can't he love me enough to, 'get it together'"? It's hard to tell when a person is an addict if they really love you or not. If he loves me, I would stand by him always, within reason. But I stood by someone in the past just to realize it was in vain, believing they really loved me, but were just, "sick".
I think the only thing to do is marriage counseling, getting to the bottom of where we stand, who i am to him. One would think I would know this. I thought I did. Recently, I watched our wedding video and remembered how happy we were that day. I want to believe that's who we still are. I want to believe it so badly.
We each have to work the program as best we can to recover from the affects of the disease. Many of us have combined finances and there is certain risk. You will find many in Al-Anon who stay, many who go, many who separate and tons of other scenarios. Only you can decide what's best for you.
The support at meetings and of a sponsor while working the program helps to bring these 'down to earth' and manageable. My mind raced so rapidly before recovery and I was almost stuck in no action as I didn't know which way to turn. I loved my AH, I loved my family and my home and ..... yet there was this huge risk of it all falling down around me.
You are not alone and you will find like minded persons who've worked through it all that will support you as you do the same. You truly aren't alone and there is hope and help in recovery.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((((Frejya)))) Number yourself another victim of the disease of alcoholism/addiction and realize how many of us there are you are so not alone especially here. Already the MIP fellowship has leaped to your aid because we have been there and done that also and some of us are still there working together to find the hope and serenity the program of Al-Anon promises and brings. Reading the responses to your post I will respond as I often do "stick around or keep coming back" because I have read so many histories such as yours and my very own and when I reached the doors of Al-Anon I was insane and suicidal. My then qualifier wife was alcoholic/addict and I had not realized at that time what she was doing was chasing my own drinking. She would say out loud while watching me drink, "God I wish I could drink like that" and alcoholic's prayer. This disease is so cunning, powerful and baffling and our program of recovery is world wide. You are not alone...we are with you. First things first? follow up on the suggestion of open face to face Al-Anon meetings. I was told to do 90 meetings in 90 days and ended up doing 102 in that period of time. It was like learning how to live again and that is what I had to do cause living with my alcoholic/addict trashed our lives.
Where do you stand?....at the doors of real and serious recovery...not for him; for you. The questions you came with are "you" questions. You are crying for your own life and you deserve to have that whether he continues to drink or not. That is the decision we have made for ourselves and on a daily basis it is what we do for ourselves.
We are powerless over alcoholism and drug addiction and our lives became unmanageable. Now were better...often Much Better.
Stick around and keep coming back to network with us. Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon and go to the nearest meeting you can...and keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
I guess my question would be: why do you want to offer him unconditional love, why "plan to stand by him until I have nothing left within me to offer"? Why are you willing to wreck your life and go down with the ship? I'm not asking rhetorically, but genuinely - not for you to answer on here, but to think about. The direction he's going seems quite clear, and if there were a way to stop them drinking, the thousands and hundreds of thousands and millions of partners of alcoholics would have found it by now. The alcoholic is in the path of a speeding train, and keeps jumping back on the tracks as often as we pull them off, and we keep jumping back on with them. "If he's going to be hurt by it, I insist on being hurt by it too!" - that's what it has sometimes come to.
Often we feel that we have invested so much in the guy that he has to be worth it, we have to wait it out until he's worth it - I was down that sad path for many years.
Boundaries, of course, are not rules they have to live by, but things we set to protect ourselves. They often protect our relationship too. For instance, we might set a boundary that if the A asks us for money (which we know they're going to squander on drink), we're going to say no to paying for their drink with our salary money. That protects us by keeping our resources for our own support, and protects the relationship because it removes a cause we might have to resent them for using us. We set boundaries by refusing to be used, insulted, present when they're drinking, or whatever is important to us. Many of us have separated our finances so the alcoholic doesn't drink up all the money and endanger both of us.
In my experience, marriage counseling is useless when the alcoholic is still actively drinking. They don't have the capacity to follow through on suggestions or to be honest about their drinking and the place it holds in their lives. Drinking is like having a mistress: if they continue to insist on it, the marriage can't be worked on. Also in my experience (four marriage counselors over the years), most marriage counselors only have a superficial academic knowledge of how alcoholism works, and that can do more harm than good. For instance, one counselor just said, "Well, it appears that Mattie doesn't like your drinking, how about stopping the drinking?" And my H said, "Sure, I'm not an alcoholic, so that's easy, I'll just do that." Me: "Wait a minute, I've heard this fifty times before, it's not that easy, he's not going to just stop drinking!" Counselor: "Mattie, let's talk about why you're so suspicious of your H." H: "Yeah, she's always imagining I have some kind of problem." Counselor: "Mattie, do you have many areas of your life in which you imagine problems that don't really exist?" And on it goes into the rabbit hole of Wonderland while the H continues to deny he has a problem and I'm on the defensive and the H was bringing it up at home ("Even the counselor knows that you're the paranoid one!") and I'm finding the hidden bottles and the hidden bar bills and dealing with his blackouts... well, don't get me started, lol. Anyway, my point is that marriage counseling with someone without a real understanding of alcoholism can be worse than nothing so caveat emptor. I hope you can take good care of yourself.
Frejya, I understand the dilemma of love vs. alcohol ... The idea that if he loved me, he would stop. I felt the same way, and kept trying to figure out what I should say or do to get him to see the light.
Anyway, what I can share about love is that I realized he did love me. I also harked back to our wedding day, and also to our vows renewal which we did at his initiative. It was quite clear that he always loved me, but alcoholism was more powerful than that. He did ultimately reach a kind of redemption, after I stopped pushing and allowed higher powers to take over.
I found counseling/therapy very helpful to me. If you find a marriage counselor, and he will go with you, that would be great. If he won't go for any reason, go yourself. You might ask the prospective counselor if they are experienced with situations where addiction is involved.
He is leaving rehab not actively drinking, so I can't say what will happen upon his return. As to why I would deal with it. Well, when he met me, I wasn't at my best. I had two significant people in my life, and had health issues I've since overcome. He loved me in spite of it, and was such a wonderful support system to me, with advice, or just to listen. We had a great relationship. Then, some things occurred outside our personal life together that seemed to, "break" him. He got on an antidepressant, and this made it worse. The longer time passed by, the more it was like, "Invasion of the body snatchers", dealing with him. At first subtle, then it increased. With it, the drinking became daily, and from there excessive. It's certainly not something I could handle forever, which is why I say I will deal with it until I have nothing left to give. At this time, he seems willing to go to counseling together, and try to make this work, but it's hard to resolve a lot of things when you are only permitted to speak to someone for 15 minutes a few times a week. I'm both happy to be seeing him again soon, while also scared.
The best part of working on recovery is getting to make you own choices. We learn in recovery that we each have our own path and we get to choose our journey. There is no shame in loving an alcoholic. There is no shame in staying with an alcoholic. There is no shame in leaving an alcoholic. Each and every choice made in recovery is right - there is no wrong.
There is a phrase in recovery about willing to go to any lengths for serenity. I hold onto that deeply. Recovery teaches us that we don't have to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain our choices/decisions to anyone. We work to gather our truth and then move forward. We each are imperfect humans living in an imperfect world doing the best we can.
I can clearly remember that excitement mixed with fear for rehab ending. I was so grateful others who came before me kept telling me to just stay in the moment. Don't live in the past and don't project to the future - the here and the now were what truly mattered.
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back Frejya - all that you are feeling and processing is normal and part of your truth. Work the program as best you can and trust the process.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Frejya I had an old timer in program give me a very helpful metaphor about the alcoholic/addict wife and I walking in the same shoes at the same time on the same path. I got the metaphor because I showed that I wanted my alcoholic/addict to be "in step" with me and my understanding and what the old timer told me is that most often we are blessed to be walking in the same direction on different paths. At first that depressed me because I was applying my own personal tool of Power and Control which of course is not respectful or trusting or reality. I listen by metaphor and the picture of both of us in the same shoes looked crazy and impossible including it would not be possible I came to understand. What the old timer also brought me to see was that if I allowed my wife to walk in the same direction detached from me I could see her smiles and witness her wins and learn new things to practice myself. It works when I work it and that worked.
What I've done at home is try to offer him as much of a clean slate as possible. I'm going to go out of my way to help him start over, as his request. I'm not sure if that means going back to a time prior, or someone new. Hard to speak about much in the short moments we have to talk.
Your love for him and desire to be supportive is admirable. I would only suggest alanon for you to get support while getting the focus off him and the relationship a bit and more onto you. It is not a good idea to expect a lot of relationship issues to be resolved with an unstable early recoverying person who needs time and space to work their own recovery program just to not drink a day at a time. Alanon will ideally let you focus on you while he focuses on him and then you two might better work on relationship issues or see if some resolve on their own as he stays sober (ideally) and you detach some from what he does or doesnt do.
I can so relate to how you are feeling as it wasn't that long ago I was in your shoes. I vowed I would stand my by husband when he came out of rehab and do the whole clean slate thing. It wasn't long before the pink cloud landed with a thud and there was relapse after relapse and finally the big relapse with all the consequences. I can see that you love your husband and that is great. I love mine too, but it wasn't enough. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like the Sonny and Cher song, "I got you Babe" The only way that I could even fathom working through this last relapse is getting on board with the program. Detach, turning it over to your HP, staying on my side of the street, letting go and letting God....working the steps. As much as I wanted my RAH to be sober, our marriage to be great again, it wasn't going to work until I got out of his recovery and let him do his thing. When he hit his rock bottom, and all the consequences came, he has become aware. That doesn't mean I don't love him and support him. It means that I stopped letting him take my joy. I protect myself as much as I can, I work on forgiveness, and work everyday on ME one day at a time.
I admit, I am afraid. He will be home in just a few more days. It's odd being married to someone you love so much, then suddenly realize you don't know who they are.
(((Hugs))) to you.....I too understand your fear. I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers for peace, just for today!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
