The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been trying to work on staying grounded and being less reactive. I can find myself intensely reactive when someone tests my boundaries like the neighbors or issues at work (I will be working full time from next week so I expect it to be an issue).
I have been working on my family of origin issues with my sponsor and a therapist and I know my mother was highly reactive. She modelled for me this subservient people pleasing that turned from that to total reactivity. What a yo yo . No wonder I have been exhausted. I am working on staying centered each day and working on taking care of my needs in a manageable way. I try to set goals for each month to be accomplished. Getting a full time job was one of them and now I have to move onto other goals and keep at it.
I long for a time when I am not waiting for the shoe to drop around the A. I just keep at my own goals and try not to focus on what he will do next after all I have no control over him and since I was highly reactive. I obviously had very little control of me before either.
I am starting to have more compassion for my mother (who is dead) she lived a beleagured, depressed, resentment making tornado of a life. She was incredibly isolated, dependent, irritated, depressed and confused. I doubt she ever felt at home in the world. At the same time I do hold her accountable for her actions of permitting me to be sexually abused (she was aware of it) not protecting me or her other children and other actions she took and then made me the warden for. No wonder I dislike boundary violations like making me the warden so much these days. I try to work out when I am over -reacting what it is that I am over reacting too. And I know if it is an intense over reaction it is generally to do with the past.
Last night I told the A no very firmly when he asked me to be social with him this weekend. Of course he tried his demands and threats and I did not flinch this time. For me that is new because normally if someone anyone threatens abandonment on any level I just shatter. I know al-anon is helping me in ways I could not be helped before precisely because I am willing and I feel such a bond with all of you. I normally bond on dysfunction not function.
Dear mariesie, Thank you for your inspiring post. I can really relate to the reactivity, and it is only through alanon that I have been learning to respond instead of react. it's a lot of work. I can also relate to issues coming up at work. Our HP always puts these people in our way! But at the same time, we are given more opportunities to grow. It sounds as if you really achieved a different place with the A. Blessings and prayers to you, mebjk
I just wanted to commend you on all the self-work you're doing/have done and say how wonderful it is that it seems to be bearing fruit. It's not easy but it's worth it! We're all 'works in progress'. Thanks for the inspiration.
