The material presented
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Sounds so awful doesn't it? I wish it was for longer than two months. My reasoning is, it is the closest thing to locked in rehab. He has worked hard on staying sober, but no program, so of course he uses again.
I hope for him, this gets him enough time and AA to get clean enough to think as straight as he can. Maybe he can grab hold of his life again.
He has nothing left. nothing. Will never drive again. Has no place to go when he gets out.Does not have a dime.
He goes in Monday at 8:30 to court I am taking him. I know it will kill me. I gotta stay as together as I can. I remember holding gmas hand and his hand at the same time, knowing soon I won't be able to hold either. That day is coming.
No I cannot have him come here when he gets out. I just can't. I don't like him anymore. He cusses and is so bitter. My life here at Eden is serene. I have obstacles, I don't say problems. But I get thru them. Life it not easy for me either. But it is so much worse with a bitter, evil person around.
I gotta not enable him. He has not slept for two nights he says. Is so nervous I can hear him shaking. My first thought was to give him some of my med... crimany. see how easy it comes to your mind? I have to remind myself NOT to to tell him, "Oh you can come here." NO thanks.
He made amends with his sister, his mom, and his dead brother. As usual, he forgot me.
I don't love him anymore. When I say I love him. I should say I loved him. My husband is dead. The disease killed him.
This is alcohol talk. But for some reason he blames it all on me. I stole everything from him.I have his vehicles, I have the house, he called my place a cesspool, money pit. Said he put all his money into this place. My mom gave me most the down payment as my inheritance and I have paid the house payment and taxes and insurance for years.
I made more money than him and he barely gave me any. I didn't want it anyway but it is so sad how he blames all his losses on me. Of course all his sicko family that is left blame me too. and his one budi/partner/friend does too. Unless he is sober then he knows it is not me.
NO wonder they drive us crazy. I don't even say anything to him anymore. Not one word. I have nothing to say to someone who is so low ,he has to put the blame for his own mess on his wife. It is the A and it is him too.
I just want to pray he gets some clarity. If he doesn't, he will go right to the Heroin dealer and get down.
This is so awful. Well it is today, not the day he gets out. Chances are he will get out and walk straight over to mommies house.
Somehow i doubt that, as she was alone in her nice rented three bedroom house,and now the meth sister, her son, her meth boyfriend and his son have squatted in her home. She is on HUD too. Horrible mess. I am sure she is scared to death.
My A says she will probably die while he is in jail.
Yuck what is making me write about this?
All I can do is take care of me and my eden of animals.
(((((((((((((debilyn))))))))))))) I feel you are writing this because you know people here care. I do! My heart goes out to you. Keep the focus on you now. Keep eden serene for you and the animals. I am glad you got your feelings out. Keep on posting and reaching out. I will be thinking of you and saying prayers. cdb xoxoxoxoxxo
I have learned very recently I can only take my inventory and not someone elses. I don't agree with some of the things the family of my A does or says, but a wise person told me recently to keep my eyes on my own paper. As you grow and heal you will be able to work through some of your anger and resentments. You are right to keep the focus on you. I read recently that the junk the As try to tell us, complain about, put us down for are really a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Remember to try to separate your feelings for him from your feelings for the addiction. I know that it is so difficult. My husband had gotten so bad lately that I couldn't tell the difference between the two. My prayers are with you. Remember your goals and stick to them. Don't let him get to you. You know how hard you are trying. We are here for you!
I too, thought about giving my husband something last night to help him through the withdrawals. In the past I had helped him to detox at home. I had to think about why I wanted the detoxing to be easier and the truth was, I wanted him symptoms to be easier for me and the children to deal with. I thought about it last night and realized that he needs to feel every bit of pain and discomfort he is going through. It is his right to feel it all and he earned it. Making the withdrawels easier won't help him in the wrong run. It will only minimize what he is going through. I want him to feel every bit of it so he won't forget it any time soon. I am supportive in telling him that it's worth it, it will pass, try to gets the thoughts out of his head immediately when a craving strikes and tell him that once it's all out of his system, he hopefully will never have to go through this again.
Big hugs from Australia chicken lol. The most important person in your life now is you, remember that. If you don't take care of you then you are not capable of looking after all your beautiful furry friends - you will have burn out. Hp knows that you have given everything even down to the core of your soul for this man. Your well is empty now you can give no more. I feel so much for you knowing what you two have shared in the past. Hang onto the memories of the good times and surrender your A to HP again. Thinking of you. Luv Leo xx
Debilyn: I will be praying for you on Monday. I hope you have the strength to make it through that time. I am sorry you are not included in the amends. I think that is so sad. The people they depend on they just dump on. I have had that with my family all my life its not suprizing I would find it familiar. I no longer find it familiar and long for a life that does not include so much stress. I am working towards it one day at a time with this program. I do not offer help any more that is a very radical change for me. I offer nothing. I say nothing much either. That is also a huge change for me to give up fighting.
Wow, you were all over the board with that post, but in the end you brought it back home to yourself. Good sign of hard work! Keep spewing your crap here with us and not carry it with you. We are always here too listen even if it sounds like a ramble to you, we have been there.
We all at times lose sight of our goal, but you turned it back around on your own!!
Hugs for Monday!
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Try not to let their blame game get to you.I've had that all my life from my family. I had been away from them 10 yrs and now that i've been put back in close proximity,hopfully for not to much longer, it seems not much has changed. I tried to see it in a new lite. that only made their fight harder to stay the same and not see what they are doing. Their craziness rubs off and its hard to be on such different pages. Loss and grief is hard to feel and go thru. I feel so much for the hardships you are left to feel from them. You sound as if you have a beautiful place to recover in. You and HP know the truth in your heart and no one can take that from you,ever. Validation and acceptance would be and make it so much easier. Hopfully one day you will be able to have that.
I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
i know you know this, doll, but...detach....detach....detach....
gosh, its soo hard to see our loved ones suffer as a result of their addictions. one of my favorite sayings is "hp sees the BIG picture. we don't." i mean, seriously. we are so blind to the end result of things that happen in our lives. hp knows the big picture...the end result. we simply cant fathom the end result of things that happen that seem so horrible. but in my experience, to the point i even hate to admit sometimes....when horrible things happen, if we trust it to hp, something good comes of it.
i know you trust hp explicitly, deb, and i know in the end, hp will bring something good of this. something good according to HIS will, and if it's according to His will, its for OUR good. right?
you will be in my prayers, and i am sooo happy to be back on the internet, finally, after 4 months, and find out what's going on in your life and the others on the board!
No matter how much we know we are not to blame and we know it is the disease talking, it still hurts. After all as you have reminded me we are human.
My thoughts and prayers will be with you tomorrow. He is going to a place that may be able to help him. Only HP knows.
It is so hard not to feel anger and resentment at their families when they blame us for everything. When they buy into this disease and try and make us the scapegoat.
You know the truth, you don't have to justify it to any of us, we know it too. More importantly your HP knows the truth.
Try and get some rest tonight, tomorrow will be a difficult day, but am sure you will get through it with the same love and grace you get through everything with.
Remember how important you are and how much you are loved here and by all the furries living in your Eden.
Sorry I didn't see your post till today. I hope you are ok and it didn't go too bad! It was probably one of the hardest things you have ever done for him, but some good is bound to come from this, dontcha think?
Now, you will have a break from worrying about him for 2 whole months! He will be away from all the temptation anyway. Now is the time to totally concentrate on YOU, and take care of YOU! Enjoy your Eden and all your great, funny critters! Guess you won't be getting so much physical rest :), but maybe some emotional rest, eh?
Praying for your Serenity and some emotional peace and quiet. Don't let the things he said to and about you, get to you. You know the truth, your HP kows the truth, and all your friends and family know who you really are and love you for being YOU!
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