The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In the last six weeks I have realized how toxic my behavior and controlling has been on my life. After being verbally and emotionally abused by my father all my childhood when I became an adult I took on this "bulldog" mentality. I wanted to prove to him and myself that I wasn't a loser. I struggled through college, hairdressing school, and even struggled in the beginning with my career. I'm a good worker because I like to please my bosses and co-worker's. I don't strive to be the best, but the best I can be. I managed my sucess on my status at work and if my kids on my caseloads were safe. Knock on wood so far nothing major has happened on my case load. I really believe that all the control I thought I had on myself that I would be able to exert that kind of control in my relationships to get the outcome I desired.
It never worked, I have been good at living my life and doing things for myself and by myself. I've always been a loner, being able to be patient and allowing someone to be who they are has really been difficult. I found it such a devastating personal rejection when someone didn't love me back. However, I see now that I chose people who were not willing or able to love me back. I have a longing for intimacy with another person, but most of all with myself. I'm starting to feel much more relaxed about my life and enjoy some things in my life that I have missed. I'm enjoying music and poetry more. I'm enjoying my class and getting to know new people again. This kind of healing I don't want to let go or jeopardize for anyone anymore. I shared this with my "a" and he agrees that I need to keep healing and continue to set boundaries with my family and him. We'll see if he respects my boundaries. I went over my deal breakers last night and he did as well. Refusing to try and work on ourselves to become more honest and intimate is not acceptable anymore, not if this relationship and family is going to flourish. He has a great deal of guilt over the affair that he has not been able to express. He simply said, I long to feel pure again. He said its hard for him to hear me talk about it because he knows how much it hurt me and he has a hard time feeling the pain of what he did. I suggested he work on those feelings with our counselor individually and I would simply journal my thoughts and share in the presense of our therapist.
I'm holding on to this feeling of empowerment and enlightenment, with out this program I don't think I would be on the other side of my life saying I can heal and have hope.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Thank you, twinmom, for this post. We can see the Program working in you, one day at a time. Your being here makes it better for us to work our program. Thank you, thank you, and blessings to you. (I love poetry, too, and have recently brought it back into my life). mebjk
