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You know we aren't suppose to focus on the alcoholic but I have to wonder. I have posted about my husband always threatening divorce. We are currently seperated but we were seeing quite a bit of each other until a little over a week ago. We got into an argument and he told me that he wanted a divorce once again even after asking me to come home earlier in the day. Now he hasn't tried to contact me at all. He may not try for weeks. Is this manipulation or pure out meaness? I feel like I am being punished like a child.
My ESH is that my A used to threaten separation all the time. Lately I have stopped arguing with him and he stopped that and what came up recently were signs that he is fearful of abandonment on some levels. I do not know how A's think. I know I have been an absolute push over for manipulatoin and abandonment threats. I stopped being that after a while but I still can't say I go for the kind of chaos he can pull at a moment's notice. I used to just live in fear all the time now I try to focus on what I need to do and its a day at a time thing. Focusing on me regardless of what he does is about the only way I can stand firm. If I am anticipating him or trying to understand him I get totally lost. I am no longer willing to live up and down like a yo yo. I maintain a detached distance from him am cordial but I don't count on him coming around to recovery anymore. I just count on my own ability to take care of myself.
Hi, Julie, Well, it sounds as if you are on to your own answer: "I feel like I am being treated like a child." Keep the focus on you. Go to meetings, find a good sponsor who can help you with the steps, work the steps, and you'll be amazed at how you begin to change in response to the A and to everyone else around you! Blessings and thanks for being here. mebjk
My ex husband told me evey single day (just about nearly) ~ "it's my way or the highway!" So after a million times, of hearing that after 4 yrs 2 mos ~ I agreed & ran away behing his back on vacation, leaving every sigle thing I owned & a carreer & many, many friends that I loved after 17 years....
Took me 6 yrs to get my life back & forgive him. Alkies/addicts wtvr you have, they aren't easy & no one can tell you what is right for you.
Most of us don't even know what we are capable of until such a situation occurs. You just never know what your capable of or what other's are either. When I was a kid I used to fantsize what 'it's like to walk in another moccasins' - like I said, just nvr know unitl it happens.
Also facing the turth about ourselves takes a fierceness, willingness, courage & strength of character... when ppl hardly know themselves, numb their emotions... and can't even deal with that
Who's to know, could be one, the other or both. I do know A's are Master manipulators, liars if their lips are moving... take your focus off of him & place it on to yourself. Forget about what he's doing & focus on you, it's hard at first. For me nearly impossible. I felt guilty when I thought of me but the slogans, talking, meetings (we have mtgs on line twice a day), the steps, even writing & venting in the chat room.
We all understand. Hnag in there, read, love yourself & keep coming back!
love, -Kitty of Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
don't know which one it is, but my a threatens it ALL the time! I don't even like to bring up something that bothers me b/c he will say we are over. I am so scared of being abandoned, I plead with him, and never bring whatever it is it up again. I think though, in my case there are a few things going on. One, I believe my a-who has hurt me in the past, physically-does it to gain control, and two, I think he has some abandonement issues of his own. I think he is afraid that every time we argue, i will end it, so he better do it first. I don't have any real answer to your question. I am trying to figure out my own situation, but I thought I would let you know you are not alone.
hi been there, heard that only about a million times. Does not matter what it is. Remember our A's are bananas. We cannot ever rationalize a banana. Well u no it is insanity but I like that they are bananas. Makes it not so serious sounding. We are all so serious all the time thanks to this disease.
I found, and do my best most times to practice it, to keep things light. If the disease sneaks in via my A then thankfully goes away. I do my best to get right into feeding animals or brushing them. Or maybe sweep and mop. I love to clean. I know I am wierd, but I love and appreciate my home so much I like it to look cute.
Sometimes it is so painful all I can think about is coming here. This place is safe and there are others who understand.
For me it does not matter anymore the what makes him do this or that, or what makes him say that. He is controlled by a horrible disease. He is A.
A bit back I found out what he tells others. It about killed me. People here helped me so much. It was not that I cared what others thought, it was how disloyal he was and he said awful things. It changed things in me so much.
So every time I go thru tough stuff like you are now, the next time, I don't give it any energy. We learn each time we go thru stuff.
yea I know the not calling or whatever for long periods. They are with their drug of choice and don't want to be bothered. Sometimes the A comes out some and wants us so bad. We see a bit of them. But then the A disease takes over and they are gone.
It hurts I know. Having our own full life helps so much. We have to go on. The A will not go anywhere but down, unless they get themselves into plan of recovery. Even then it is a horribly tough time.
My A used to say "you want me to leave? you just say the word!"
He would do this whenever I expressed a problem with the relationship and how hopeless I felt about it. He would never say HE was leaving, just say that if I want him to go, he is gone. He would make me say it before he would do it, but sorta push me to the brink, like daring me to.
I came to the conclusion that he would do this when he didn't want to talk about it. When someone doesn't want to talk about something, or fears they may lose an argument, often they will change the subject discreetly, or minimize the problem, or blow the problem waaaayyy out of proportion. None of which gets any real work on the real problem done.
I reached the end of my rope more than once, and just thought for a min after he would say this, and then say, "OK, you can go". He would make a big huff cause now he would have to do it because he dared me to and I did. He would talk for a few mins about when he is coming back to get his stuff, start putting some things in a bag, and ask me a few more times if I am sure, and THEN he would "want to really have a talk". Pffffttttt! Just like a kid threatening to run away from home and then realizing he better wait cause dinner is only in a half hour!
He may mean it when he says it in his head, but most of the time its probably just a threat, manipulation, a screwed up way of saying he is unhappy and doesn't know what to do, or a way to change the topic.
I only called his bluff when I meant to follow through on it. Mean what you say, you know.
Last time, I brought it up. That was Jan31, and he is still gone. He has not seeked out recovery yet. I am moving on and getting through it and trying to heal myself in peace and quiet.
He has tried other methods for coming home. He tried telling me maybe he will move far far away because he cannot stand to be in the same city with me and not be with me. He tried telling me he will start going to the bars and maybe look for someone new so he can forget me. He tried not calling me for two weeks, and then told me he didn't call me because I didn't call him. He tried crying and saying that he truely needs me and the kids to get recovery. He tried telling me that the people he lives with are terrible and fight all the time and it's a bad environment. He used every emotional blackmail he could think of. I just kept turning it back around on him, and telling him he should thinik about going to AA, and if it is important to him, he will certainly find a way.
threatening to leave was only one tool he had in his toolbox for blackmailing me emotionally.
