The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I am very nervous and when I sat down to read some of my literature, I realized why. I have expectations about his treatment assessment today and his court hearing. I have told myself not to, but I have been getting my hopes up that he is going to see this program through and get well. Expectations lead to resentments and anger. I am trying to tell myself that I will be okay no matter if he follows this through or not because I am going to continue working my program. I am learning a lot about how my behavior and actions have contributed to his using. I may not be able to control it, but I have helped him by making it easier for him to use. I still have no boundaries in place because it has taken me some time to think about what I could follow through with. I know I have to stop giving him money. I can't control if he spends his money, but I don't have to make it easier on him. I know I can not buy weed for him anymore to help ease with withdrawal of other drugs and because I am scared his being ill tempered. That's the only boundary I can put in place right now. Also, I have decided not to lie for him, cover up for him and fix the messes he makes.
Wow, I arm really impressed with your progress! I mean it, there is nothing more inspiring than seeing another alanon sis or bro start to really feel the program. You are doing it, so so glad for you.
Hey you have made some giant steps here. Now you will see even more how it all works as you cont. to put it all into place. NO it is not easy. I was always nonchalantly saying oh just don't give it to him, money etc. Then mine asked and it killed me to say no.
From my view now, I see the A getting worse and getting better at the same time. In tiny ways but he is reaching out to AA cuz there is nothing else. He is so bad he is desperately searching. He is making amends, he is reading literature, then he asks if I have meds. I say no. so in the pit he has to stay unless he pulls himself out.
For me too, I keep a journal of letters to him. It helps me to remember all the things like you just said and it helps me remember what is making me do it, stick to it.
Also have you told him your boundaries? Remember if we say it, we must follow thru.
As far as expectations, when I surrendered to my hp. I realized it did not matter anymore what the A did. I just loved him period. What he does or does not do does not matter to me. I just love him when I can. Makes no difference if he uses, relapses, gets clean whatever. I just love him and don't judge. I cannot control it anyway.
Don't be hard on yourself if you slip, just get back on and go.
Hello, Powerless, We are all grateful that you are here! You are reading program literature, and that is helping you to stay centered in ways you don't even know. And I am impressed with how you are staying in touch with your own feelings! Keep working the steps, going to meetings, talking to a sponsor, and miracles will continue to happen! Blessings. You are in my prayers during this time. mebjk
I related to your post. I was upset with my "A" yesterday because I had my hopes up that this time it would work, and it didn't.
I used to buy him weed to for the same reasons, nowI don't. I used to think it was his money to, but he doesn't work, I do. I work hard for the little that I bring in and no more am I going to see it wasted. I usd to budget for his weed, lol how sick is that? Now I don't. He has always wanted me to get him some after he has used meth, well today if he asks I will tell him it is not in the budget.
Keep up the good work.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I don't know if you noticed but your last sentence of your post does list more boundaries :) So, you do have more than one boundary in place. Boundaries are for us. It sounds to me like you have a great plan in place for you. Keep up the good work :) cdb xoxoxoxo
