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I haven't been on much lately, my "A" went to jail, and I let myself slip into total "Mommy-Mode" which isn't a bad thing, but when you don't take care of yourslef, it all goes to hell no matter how hard you are trying.
Well my "A" spent 25 days in the jail, and was released last Monday. Long enough for him to get clean, and start making the same old stupid promises that I so want to see happen. He came home and was different, yet the same. He was saying different things, but in the same way. I started to fall for it yet again, began to actually believe that he was ready fight his disease.
Hmmmmmmm, he proved me wrong. He didn't come home last night. Wow was I floored. Buying into his lies is getting a little to expensive for me. I don't have much of myself to give, and what little I do have, is so precious that I am not letting him have it.
I have decided that he will have to earn what part of me I choose to give him. I think I am going to start sleeping on the couch, it is quite comfy. And we can be roommates for a while. I am tired of this. So tired of it, but I am not sure I am ready to throw in the towel just yet, I want him to do it, I want him to leave. I want him to make that decission. Sad, I love this man to death, and I want him to leave me. I would feel so releived.
I need to go pray.
Be back later
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Dolphin--I am so sorry for your pain and exhaustion! I too easily fall for the "This time I really want it to work" words. Maybe because I truly believe he wants it to, but he just can't keep that attitude for long because the disease is just too big. No matter how much it hurts right now I can't leave either. Maybe I will get to the place one day when I say "yep, that was it, I'm done" I don't see it happening soon. I just told him last night it is really hard just sitting back and watching him slowly kill himself. I just can't imagine the immense pain he must feel to think that drugs/alcohol is his only option to feeling better--when in reality it makes it all worse.
It is so hard wanting to believe them. I too have heard what I wanted to hear so many times, only to have it be just one more time. I tell myself I won't believe anything he says anymore and then, I usually just end up buying into it again.
I know the feeling of wishing he would justt call it quits also. While I know it would break my heart, it would be easier. At least I would know it is over, and possibly could move on. I just don't think I can bring myslef to do it.
Oh, Dolphin! How easily do I relate to you. I am such a sucker for the A who wants so desperately to be healthy. I know he really does but when he fails, his failures cause these huge waves in my life...and my soul. Just when the waves subside to ripples, I feel like I made the right choice, and then they come crashing in on me again. If the couch is comfy, I think it's a good place to be to be alone with yourself. Roomies might give you peace of mind even if he is unable to get the message.
I relate to you so so much. My A goes to jail the 20th. I hoped for a year. They are shooting for 60 days, but they want to give him 90. H I want to give him a year!!! How dumb are they to allow him such an easy consequence??
I also relate to what you said about wishing he would just leave, and it being such a relief.My A will get out and have no where to go. He better not plan on coming here. There is NO way he is welcome.
As soon as he opens his mouth I am sorry I am around him. I love too much to have him around. He is so full of anger and evil.
Anyway do take care of you. I know you wanted it to be ok so bad.Sadly we want to believe them so bad, and it takes a few kicking us for us to really know there is no hope. I mean even if they do get sober, go on a program for a year, five years whatever, the chances of them relapsing is so high.
I spent til I was 40 yrs old doing ALL THE FEELINGS POSSIBLE AND SOME with the A's in my family and 5 of the next 12 in an A relationship and away from family.
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Talk about circles, dizzy, roller coasters, lies, violence, you name it. I tried putting A-mom and A-bro in hospital as the ads said GET HELP FOR YOUR LOVED ONES only for them to come out 3 days later raging and on the revenge. Pro manipulator A-mom sicked A-bro after me for torture treatment for yrs and promised me to hurt me the worse way possible. Behind my back they ganged up and influenced my honor roll teenager into being A ,quitting school, etc. I worked in the dysfunctional family busness til dad dyed and their vulture parts forced sale of everything and I landed on the street.
I hate to say it but the street was more sane, evenso it was hard and scarry if I had to pick again now that I've been away from them about 10yrs ID PICK STREET . I found 12 step programs , I went to school, I went thru hell but WAY easier than the insanity I was in. Seems the A changes blood like a vampire w/alcohol. They suck the life out of everything around them to keep the fix of like a walking zombie dead body as long as the A is in them. Their insanity keeps them from being able to make the choice of recovery in my case and most of the ones I know about. LIKE A VAMPIRE NEEDS BLOOD AND WHAT THEY DO TO GET IT AND THE HORROR IS EQUIVALENT in my opinion just like the movies and some.
I buried my A-bro when he was 40(28yrs an A).Active (slowed down)A-mom72,A-dau32 and still denying everything with total aggression denial.
Katrina blew me away from home , back to contact with them and the vampires haven't changed abit just better at it. I'M SO ANGRY My A-dau doesn't acknowledge my losses and disapeared again yesterday leaving the kids to be brought to my apt, no diapers etc. I can't leave , i have no car ,no busses, and hasn't shown up yet
I CAN"T WAIT TO GET ENOUGH MONEY I"M GONE AGAIN
And the drama goes on. Doen't look to me like it changes. BE STRONG BE WISE BE COURAGEOUS AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF Stick with the program and HP and BLESSINGS>>>>>>>>>>>
-- Edited by d53sjurne at 18:59, 2006-03-14
-- Edited by d53sjurne at 19:01, 2006-03-14
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
Going through this a bit myself at the moment sick of being at the same stage again. A bit like RSI except the strain is living with the lies. My husband is back to the stage of pretending he is not drinking and making an idiot of himself in the process as it is quite obvious to every one but him that he is not sober. Do I stay or go I too wish he would just leave there is no tension in the house when he is not here. When he first hit his initial bottom I know I just wished he had said to me I am having an affair it would have been much easier to let go. I am going to surrender to HP and ask for guidance and remember that The getting them sober book tells us that A's are hard to get rid of. Hang in there I am thinking of you. Luv Leo xx
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