The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A has ben home 4 days now, it seems longer..lol I guess we're attempting to settle in to some sort of routine, although a difficult one. I'd hoped to see my A's mentality getting better day by day, but he's about the same. He tends to say wrong words but sometimes it's pretty funny. Yesterday I could tell what he was thinking when we went outside. He said it's really "golfy" out here. He meant "windy". So I assume he was thinking it was too windy to golf. Sometimes he gets a bit irritated when I laugh and when I try to explain why it's funny he doesn't understand. He just looks at me like I'm the one that's not right.
He has good days and bad days and so do I. Some days he seems a bit more with it. I try not to let the "what ifs" take over too much. I was talking to an Alanon friend last night and noted how ironic it is that when A was drinking I really missed him even though he was here, now he is sober and I still miss him even though he is here. I have to just trust that HP knows what he is doing. If he never gets better and I have to care for him for the rest of my life, after what I've already been through for the last 20 yrs......That would truly suck. BUT, I have to remind myself it's even worse for my hubby. At least I have my mind (so far). There is no way he could drive, he has no independance at this point. I try to let him do what he can but yesterday he took Louie out and the leash wrapped around his legs and he fell. I wasn't watching him when he did it since it was something pretty simple. He came back in with grass all over his shirt and wet pants from the ground. He's still pretty unstable physically and his mind didn't work fast enough to untangle the leash by switching hands or turning.
I wanted to go to my f2f tonight but I'm not sure I can. My daughter that lives nearby is sick and the other will be working. My son's job had an opening for an extra day of work and of course it's Tuesdays. Son needs it to pay for his car insurance. A says he doesn't want a stranger in here to sit with him. It's kind of a touchy situation. He is just off enough that he shouldn't be alone, but with it enough to be aware of his surroundings. He got real irritated when I suggested I hire some help.
I bought a new handle for our screen door, the kind that you have to push the button in to release the latch on the door. He spent over 2 hrs figuring out how to put it together at the kitchen table. He never did attempt to put it on the door, but lined up the parts etc. I could see how it worked, but I just let him keep himself busy and use his brain. It's really hard not to just take over and show him.
This all certainly seems unfair for both of us, but no one said life was fair or easy. It's almost a joke. I prayed for years for him to stop drinking. It's like HP is saying: "You should have specified, stop drinking AND keep his mind" .. lol
I say the Serenity Prayer a lot and How Important Is It? There's a very fine line here. I have to keep asking myself if I'm controlling, when should I control? I definately have to make sure A is safe, but allow him to be as independant as possible. Sometimes that means I have to be a little sneaky to see what he is up to. I'm never off gaurd. He's still asleep right now and I'm grateful for the "alone time".
OK, done rambling...
Love, Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 09:19, 2006-03-14
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
The brain repairs slowly after damage, but you did the right thing letting him stimulate his brain by working on the door opener. Just like your Mom's stroke, standing gets a leg back, stimulation and cognitive thinking is what he needs to get bank his "Spark"!
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
It's so difficult to let go of things we can't control. You are doing the right thing by saying the Serenity Prayer. I know it's taken me off of (figurative) ledges more than once in the past...oh 24 hours! I can so relate to your dilemma of not knowing the fine line between control and doing what you're supposed to do. There are so many little things I do each day that I think maybe I shouldn't do. And I justify them because they are small things that are easy for me and they ensure that things will run a little more smoothly. But I find myself doing for the A things that he can do for himself. It's so hard.
I'll pray for you. Just keep posting and saying the Serenity Prayer and things will work out.
Oh sweetie! I know how hard this is for you! Give it some time. My sister had 2 strokes and 2 brain surgeries when in her 30's. At first she could not see well or walk or care for herself. It has been 10 years and she is allot more self sufficient. Although she cannot drive she walks and cares for herself with little direction from family. She has a full life now and so will you. In some ways she is child like...they are never quite the same. But I actually like her better now!
I have had to deal with a sick boyfriend for a year or more now without any help from his family at all. The resentment was incredible. I do note that people do not offer much. A small offer would help, the grocery run, the prescription run, something. They offered nothing not one finger ever and they shut their door really firmly. I am sorry your family cannot be there for you to help out but I would encourage you to ask them for help in other ways. The burn out otherwise can be tremendous. I am still picking myself up from that burnout as well as the burn out from al-anon related issues.
I did not see my boyfriend's illness coming, he had fatigue for a long long time but there were no signs of what was to come.
I know it is a long hard haul. I also know that I did not reach out and get support until I was on overload. I wish I had been in a caregiver group (I have been before) I think that would hae given me a lot of respite. I think it is crucial to have somewhere to go to let out some of the frustration and anger.
Christy, you are destined for sainthood! I have never read a kinder, more caring post. I pray that God will care for you and yours and give you strength. I hold you especially close in my heart. Diva
I should mention that your situation is not in any way connected to what I speak of in my post about accepting what I cannot change. It's like apples and oranges. But reading your post here has given me some insight as to a good use of that line of the serenity prayer.
-- Edited by Diva at 10:59, 2006-03-14
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Christy, doll, I so empathize with you and wish I could be there to do some little thing to give you a break. You are doing everything right in my estimation. Keep talking to us, ok.
Also, a little bitty suggestion is that there are home aides trained to deal with people in his situation, and even if only for an hour, you need to get a break, whether he agrees or not. You can slap me if you want :)
Keep coming back, of course , and I KNOW you will :)
You really are a Saint, and he is so lucky to have you.
You are doing all the right things. Helping him keep his dignity, while taking care of him.
I agree with what some of the otehrs have said. Maybe you should see if you can get him to accept a Health aid for at least short periods. It sounds like it is going to be a very big responsibility helping him get better. You have to keep your own health and your own sanity, or you won't be very much ggod to either of you.
Be gentle and good to yourself. If anyone deserves it, you do.
