The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well my A came home the other night, and I had fallen asleep from the wine I drank. He was infuriated that I had drank a bottle of wine. I believe, that he saw that I had been on this web page, and saw my post(why am I so angry)b/c I had the screen up, and forgot to close it out before I fell asleep. He left, then he came back, and was telling me how it was over with us b/c I have to drink to calm my nerves. Long story short, he broke our T.V., trashed the house, and choked me, and banged my head off the refrigerator and off the floor. THere was more, but those are the main points. I am so bruised, and I hurt so bad. Body and spirit. I went to the ER yesterday to see if I had a concussion. Then, the kids and I stayed out until 7:00pm. He still said we were finished, and I couldn't fight anymore. But then he acted fine, he slept in the same bed with me. I couldn't figure it out. then today, he says he is not going to the beach in Sept. as we had planned, with my family, he'd rather go to a gun raffle, and he is not going to take our daughter to see DORA the Explorer live on sunday. He said my mom and I can take her. He goes on for awhile about how I need to do stuff on my own, and he doesn't know where we stand right now. THEN about 5min. later, he says lets forget it. Then he wants to have sex with me. I asked if that was make-up sex and he says "yeah, a little" He says we are fine now, but I don't feel fine! I am upset. He saw one of my bruises and said "sorry about that" I feel like an abused dog must feel. I don't understand him. I try to figure out why he does this, but I can't. I am afraid to ask if we are still together. I gather the answer is yes, since he said we were fine earlier. But I am afraid he saw that I packed the kids night clothes yesterday, and figured out that I had thought about not coming home. I am afraid of everything I do, making him mad!
I know I have to figure out what I am doing, and not worry about him, and why he does this. He will not change. I need some type of help, and I don't know where to start. I have gone to the Women's shelter for counseling, and it does not seem to be helping all that much. I am going to find a regular therapist also. The only answer I see now is to try to make myself stronger, so I am not so scared to leave. And turn it over to my HP. Anyway, thanks for listening.
ok, I"m TOTALLY new so can't offer up any advice accept this. He's not going to get any better unless he gets help, therefore you need to take care of you. If he is physically abusive, leave. Take the kids and leave. You have a responsibility to those kids.
Do you have some place you can go to for a while? What about a shelter?
I am so, so sorry. Also, please file a police report. Take pictures for documentation.
lileah, Please do as Iko says and get the help you need for you and for your children. YOU ARE WORTH IT. You do not have to be dependent on his moods. This man is abusive and your life cannot be trusted with him. I know you are doing what you need to do for right now. And there is help out there for you. Make sure you stay in touch with the women's shelter. And keep us posted (in private) with your progress. We all care. Blessings and prayers, mebjk
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. You must do whatever you feel is best to keep yourself and your children safe. Nobody should have to live in fear. There is a piece in the front of 'How Al-anon Works' about abusive situations. I hope you have access to it. If not maybe you can order it from a local library.
My A was never verbally or physically abusive therefore it would be wrong for me to try to make suggestions but I know many people who experienced it. They all told me that in the long-term it only got worse, never better. Their A's would be remorseful and promise it would never happen again but inevitably it did. This is a very delicate situation and only you can make the decisions as you will be the one living with the consequences but know we are here for you in love and support. I hope you heal soon. I will be praying for you
Part of our program is making the A be responsible for his/her actions. Would you let anyone else choke you and slam your head in to the floor and not file a police report? Without any consequences the actions continue. We are not to give advice except in cases of abuse. This is one of those cases. Get you and those kids the heck outta there!!
Abusers rarely stop the violence unless they get help. Just as their addictions escalate, so will the abuse, it sounds like worse could mean death. Are you willing to risk it?
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I know you are afraid to leave, but, aren't you also afraid to stay? Getting yourself and your children safe won't solve all your problems, but it offers up some hope. You know that the home situation won't change unless something changes. HE'S not going to change, why should he? Keep in touch with the women's shelter, make sure you tell them the truth about what happens, and about your feelings. And, please, keep in touch with us. If you keep working your program, keep focusing on yourself, caring for yourself, you will eventually get the strength to do what is best for you.
This is going to be a long post. I don't know how much of this you will pass off in your mind and think, "Not my A" "He wouldn't". I have read everyone's post to yours. I hope that you will read them and take them to heart. I am going to speak from my experience.
There comes a point in a person when they know they have crossed a line.....sure, they feel guilty for what they have done, then, in a moment of rage, they know they have gotten away with what they aready have.....and then, it is pushed that much further eachtime.
In my past, I could find an alcoholic without fail, an abuser without fail. Ten years ago, I was living with a man. I was three and half months pregnant and left work in the middle of his shift for what reason, I don't know. He came in the front door and started screaming at me. He beat the crap out of me and throw me through a steel gate. After leaving the hospital, I stayed with a friend for weeks. He would call her asking what he could to make this up to me. There were all the promises that he would never do that again. I knew it would happen again....but, I felt I owed the chance to our baby....if he did it again....I would gone for good.
One week after being back, here it was happening again. He kicked me in my stomach, threw me on a waterbed with my head on the side of the bed and my neck exposed to open space and jumped up and down on my neck trying to break it I am guessing. He threw me into walls, through a window, and mind you I quit beable to fight back after the first blow to my stomach.
The streets were a solid sheet of ice in an area that was not typical of having ice. He at somepoint told me he was going to shoot and kill me and went to his truck to get his gun. I did everything I could to make it to the door and deadbolt it. I made it to the speaker phone and dial the police. All I could keep telling her was I was about to be shot. I couldn't tell her my address, I was too scared.
She then asked if my address was whatever and that they already had police on the way more than twenty minutes ago. By this time, she could hear the banging at the door. He took out yet another steel door and fire one shot in my direction, when he rounded the corner, he put the gun right to my face and told me, "it was time". The dispatcher went into complete panick. Apparently, she wasn't cool with hearing someone get murdered. When he heard her voice on the speaker phone he kept yelling at me who it was, over and over. Then, a male dispatcher had come on and told him he was the police and they were a block away. He then grabbed a knife from the couner and got me accross my chest with it.
Ten years later, I have so much damage to the nerves in my neck that I stand to lose the use of my arms. Somedays they work, other days, they do not. I am 29 years old. You know what though. I am thankful, that I have that much, I was going to die that night. If I would have gone back with him, I would be dead by now.
I recently took a lady to an AA convention that could tell my story to a tee, only thing is...she went back the third time. Her alcoholic threw her from a vehicle and ran over her three times with his truck. She spent a very long time in a coma and now is confined to a wheelchair.
What sent chills down my spine was when she said, there was no such thing as divorce, but someone was going to have to die to get out of it.
This is not something I will typically share with anyone. I feel in this instance, maybe you or others may take something from it. I am a firm beleiver in, children would rather come from a broken home than live in one. There are so many resources available out there for abuse, and the fact that it only take one phone call to get that ball rolling is a positive.
Now, even though my picker was broke, and I found one abuser after another...it only took one push, or one slap, or one anything in a violent type of nature to know the next time would be worse. I would get out while the getting was good without fail. No matter how much they say they love me, their sorry, yada, yada, no matter how much I love them.
I am a flower and so are my children. We deserve a gentle hand.
I called my sponsor over this post. He told me all I could do was share my story and hope that you or someone else hears something from it. So, I am going to pray at this point for you and your children's safety and wisdom. Good luck to you! You really are in the right place and so am I.
I will be praying for you 