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level.
I was talking with my Mom today and she was angry at my husband.
She asked how everyone was feeling and I told her better. Then she asked if as%h*le (her name for my husband) had been any help. I told her that he was at his Mom's. I said no, he is drinking and the kids and I didn't want him around.She asked if he had come over to help or offer to do anything and I said no he is angry, becasue I said some nasty things to him last week. She said I don't say enough nasty things to him. She asked if he had found a job, I told her no, and she asked what about the jobs that he had lined up, the supposed "sure things". I told her he turned them down, as he didn't feel they paid enough, or where what he is looking for. She then said there is no job where you get paid to drink or lie in bed. I said ok stop, I don't need to hear this. She said make the man go to work. I told her I can't make him do anything.
She said Jeannie, he has 6 children, he has to work and do the things he is supposed to and I told her he won't, and I can't make him do it.
She then told me that we all have roles, and obligations, things we are required by society to do. She said he is expected to support his children and work. I said I understand this, but I can't make him.
She said I am enabling him. I told her that I do not do that. She said yes you do, she said all his life his parents have supported him, she said now, he has his health insurance through my job, his car insurance is paid, his children are cared for. She said why should the man bother to do anything, you picked up where his parents stopped.
She got me thinking. I work to support the family, because I cannot make him go to work. I carry Health insurance, becaue my children need it. it is a family plan and he is on it as well. I keep his car insured as his license says he lives here. Unless he changes his license to his Mom's address, (and she doesn't want him to as her insurance will go up, )I can't cancell his or DMV will suspend registration on allour cars for having an unisured car on the road. Plus if he gets into an accident uninsured I am his wife and we could lose our house. I file the unemployment every week. If I don't the money doesn't come, my children and I suffer. In order to keep the rest of us from paying the price of his drinking, I have to do many things, that make his drinking easier. by saying I can't control it, I am accepting that he will drink. By saying I can't make him work, I am accepting that he won't work.
When there is a family involved we can only detach so much. Certain things need to be done to protect the rest of the family. Doesn't this make it easier for the A to continue to drink? When I think of the things I have to do to keep my children provided for, aren;t I enabling?
Alanon principals teach us to stop banging our head on a wall about things we can't control. But in fact by doing so aren't we accepting the unnaceptable?
In a way yes I think it is enabling. In order to protect yourself and your family you could file for a legal separation or divorce. Ax all his insurance and sell the car. Would it be more beneficial to you financially than his unenployment check? Only you can answer that. If it was me...his drinking butt would be gone. No way in hell I am going to pay a man's health and car insurance for a lousy unemployment check. I would not pay anything for him nor would I file for his unemployment. I agree with your mom to a point...no you cannot make him work but you can stop making his life so easy.
But again it is your call....if he is being no help to you either what do you get out of this? Heart ache? Is it worth it?
I enabled my hsuband for 3 years and 5 months while he did not work, did not care to work and drank 24/7. I made the money and cooked and cleaned and listened to horrible abuse.
Thankfully I found alanon and they told me when I bought my husband the vodka I was enabling him.
So I stopped buying it. My husband went ballistic, chased me in a rage and I locked myself in the bathroom. I established that I would not buy the booze.
But my PAYCHECK paid for his booze even though now he went to the store himself. Even this was better because for a few hours a day now he had to be sober to get more booze. He became less yellow.
But still, my paycheck enabled him to get booze. My life was hell. I have no kids. I got strong and left 5/05.
Would you know it? He got a job 1/3/06 and now works for a living again. And of course he blames ME for his having to get a job because I no longer supported him.
This is just me and what I had to do in my life.
Everyone and every situation is different
Take what you like and lave the rest.
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Do what is best for you and your kids. If this also helps him, well, you have to decide how this makes you feel. Does it make you feel resentful, or is it maybe a way of controlling him? There is no point in being vindictive, but there is also no point in hauling his dead weight throughout your life. Only you know which is which.
Your mom is saying what she says because she loves you. You can accept the love without taking the advice.
I don't live where you do, obviously, but I don't understand about the insurance - does this mean that all people living in the same house must be under the same insurance? Can't you just say that you don't want him under your policy any more?
The biggest problem is that because of his not working and drinking our finances had become completely entangled with his parents. He had borrowed money for the morgage so many times from his father that his Mother continues to give it to him now. I hate it, it is being obligated to her.
My company offers health insurance, but does not pay into it. It comes fully out of my pay. A family plan is a family plan wether I keep him on it or not. NJ does not have legal seperations, so if he did get sick, I would be liable as he is not working. The Health insurance takes a large chunk out of my pay each week.
His unemployment is not much, but I only get it all as long as I keep him insured. His Mother makes sure he deposits it in the bank as long as I do as I am told.
His car is with him at his Mom's, but it is registered to our address, as is his license. If I want him off the policy, then he has to provide DMV with proof of insurance or the registration on that car is suspended. As with the health insurance, if he gets into an accident with no insurance or registration, then we could lose our house. He or his Mom wouldn't care as he can live there. But the kids and I would be the ones with no home.
I know they would do it. Years back, there was not enough money to pay the gas bill till payday. The gas company shut us off in winter. It wasn't too bad. We have a fireplace and I kept wood on the fire all night and the kids and I slept on the living room floor in sleeping bags with lots of blankets. We made it sort of an indoor camp out. The gas was turned on the next day as I had the money. His Mother had him sleep over there, as she felt everyone shouldn't have to be cold. It was okay for me and the kids, but not for him. I flipped out on him and ended up telling him to take his selfish you know what over to live with Mommy. He did for several months. He is his number one concern, and hers as well. It is up to me to protect the rest of us.
Am I resentful of this whole arrangement, definately. I resent being the one who is expected to carry it all. Is it a control issue, yes, but hers, not mine. As long as I do things her way, we survive.
I don't make enough to carry this whole family alone, even with overtime. Yet I make too much to get any help whatsoever from the State. I have applied for everything many times and always get turned down. I am over the maximums.
I blam myself for my choices, but the kids didn't make those choices. They deserve some type of stability in their life. The only one who seems to care about that is me, he certainly doesn't and I know he won't.
I pay the benefits because the trade off makes it possible for us to survive. I too agree with my Mom, that it is too easy for him. But it is the only way to keep my kids from paying the price.
i think I need to go and speak to an attorney and find out what rights I do have. If the courts can make him work. He gets none of my pay, but he does get his health ins and car ins and his kids are taken care of. he lives off of both me and his Mother.
It is a messed up arrangement and I do hate it. I guess it is time to go see what I can do to get out of it.
Yes, Jeannie, I viewed it as accepting the unacceptable. Yes, in that way you ARE enabling. The alternatives are there for the taking. We just have to make up our mind that there IS a better way.
Love and caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hello Jeannie, do u have our detachment pamphlet? that will answer your questions, but I think you already know the answer. Until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves absolutley nothing will change. bye for n ow Louise
Jeannie I am not going to say whether you are enabling him or not. Your Mum is stating facts as she sees them and is probably worried about you and the kids with the constant struggle. I think deep down she may be hurting you unintentionally and you are reacting to it because our natural defence mechanism is to protect the ones we love. It is okay for US to criticise the A but when it comes from someone else it is like the knife going through our heart (we feel it us who has failed) . Remember your Mum is in your corner. Maybe if you are not up to talking about your A's problems that day you just say Mum can we talk about this when I am feeling a little stronger. ((()))Luv Leo xx
Jeannie,