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Firstly, this board is great. Just found it a week ago, and find myself checking it all day. Great source of inspiration. My situation is a follows, and wondering if anyone else feels (or felt) like this.....
My wife of 13 years has been a pretty chronic alcoholic for most of our marriage, getting worse over the years, and really hitting rock bottom around Christmas 2005. We have two very well adjusted, bright kids, 8 and 11. I have pretty much raised them both (one boy/one girl). I have soley entertained, feed and cared for them (and entertained their friends) nights and weekends from practically their birth. I had been supportive of her not working, and staying at home with the kids for the most part (she has had occassional part-time jobs), but this has done nothing but wreak financial havoc on our lives. As with most a's, she is totally a financial mess (bounced checks, taking money out when it's really not there, etc.).
Over the past 3 years, she would basically drink all day, be drunk/ asleep when the kids got home from school, and totally drunk and out of it by the time I got home from work. She would pass out wherever/whenever, clothed or naked, and the kids would see this. In December she was drunk almost all day/night, and ended up cheating on me with a neighbor. Around that same time she ended up in an accident, causing quite a bit of damage to our car, but didn't get a ticket (miracle). So I had had it, called her out of state sister, and told her everything. She came to visit, and took her to an out-state rehab center for 28 days. (her first 28 day rehab, but 3rd inpatient detox). She completed the program Feb. 4th of this year.
Needless to say, our marriage had deteriorated to nothing. She was always verbally/emotionally abusive to me and our daughter, and it hurt.
So now she's back, has been drunk 4 times, depressed, and even taken a handful of sleeping pills. All the time, telling me everything is my fault, she hates me, wants to get divorced, etc. I agreed to go to a counselor this past Sunday. I was shocked. The whole session, the female counselor told me not to be critical, to give her free time and breaks from the kids, and on and on. Told her to spend her days planning out the weeks menus, and grocery shopping! I couldn't believe it. Where do my feelings ever come in?? I have give her chance after chance, thrown good money after bad, counted on my parents to help with the bills, etc. The counselor didn't even address the fact that she has been drunk 4 times, and still is yelling at me and the kids all the time. To me, she isn't in recovery. She has only been to a handful of AA meetings, and has no sponsor, and refused outpatient treatment at a facility for women who have been thru a 28 day program.
I am at my wits end, and feeling quite depressed, all the while trying to hold a professional job, and maintain the kids. I want to get divorced, but feel tons of guilt and I feel sorry for her. Anyone ever felt worse after their a spouse went to rehab?
Please take care of you during this. It sounds like you are taking wonderful care of the children. Stay strong, take care of you. It is frustrating when the A gets all the focus.
We are glad you found us. Keep posting, come into chat. You are in the right place.
One of the best things I have learned in Alanon is, I am not responsible for what others, do, say, or think. I have a right to feel the way I feel. In Alanon, I learned to forgive my alcoholic for what had happened. Didn't mean I forgot what had happened.....but, I didn't have to invite it back in either. Along the way, I realized I had also forgiven myself. I couldn't really forgive a soul until I started with me. That is where it all begins....with me.
When the dust settles, I want to be the one left standing. I want to use the tools I have picked up along the way to pick up the pieces for myself and my children.
You are in the right place. It is okay to feel lonely, scared, and depressed......you stick around long enough and you will find a whole new way to live. A place to always turn to that will brighten each day with great hope. So, keep on coming!
I think the problem is that just because they have completed a rehab, it does not mean they are in recovery or even on the path to recovery.
My hubsnad has been forced into rehab by the courts and as the only means of staying married a few times. they have never worked. In fact the man who came out was bitter, angry and it was harder on the kids and I than ever.
He was told that his only responsibility was to himself. He was told that the kids and the household where my responsibility. he was told if he felt any conflict or stress, to walk away. He was told to make himslef happy and basically the hell with the rest of us. He was also told that he did not need to work if he did not want to.
I was told that if he had a different disease I would not object to picking up the slack. They compared it to cancer. They said the kids and I needed anger management and told my husband that we had no right to be angry. Yet he had a right to his feelings.
If he was truly working on his recovery, this might not be so bad. He would need to work on himslef. need time for meetings and have to find ways to deal with his newly found sobriety. The problem was he was still drinking, and using all of the things they taught him as a way to continue being irresponsible, continue being selfish and not have to deal with anything. He used the things they said as a club, as a way to attack the kids and I.
When an A leaves rehab, they are assuming that the A is working at continuing their sobriety. They give them the tools they need to detach from everything but their sobriety. In the early days of sobriety this is necessary. The A needs to be able to focus on only themsleves and their program. Sadly many active A's complete rehab programs and use these same princiles to continue to drink and yes continue to hurt their families.
There is nothing you can do about it. You cannot work her program or get her a sponsor. You can only work your own program and take care of your children and yourself. This is what I have learned the hard way. It is aggravating, and frustrating I know that, but we cannot control them or their drinking even after rehab, we can only control or change ourselves
I hope she starts to work a program for all of your sake, but for your's don't look for support from the rehab community and continue to work your own program.
Hi Jeannie and All. Thanks for your kind and supportive words.
Yes, EXACTLY. You have the nail square on the head. Those are the exact same things I heard yesterday...it's ok not to work, it's ok not to partcipate in family activities, take a break whenever you need, etc.
And I heard the same comparisons. The therapist said, "If she was recovering from major surgery, you wouldn't expect her to be back at work, and take care of kids, etc." Actually, I don't think that's true. I have heard of dozens of people right at my work, who take chemo, and come in everyday and at do their job, or you have people who have open heart surgery, and return to work and at least attempt to lead a semi-active life within 6-8 weeks. Most peple do it out of survival. In the case with the a, they have (mine anyway) been given carte blanche to "recover". In her case, that is reading the paper, watching Regis, CNN, and maybe doing a load of laundry. Meanwhile, I am left struggling with huge medical bills and our regular bills, and the kids.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not an angry, disgruntled person in general. In fact, I can't wait to get to work and be around kind, caring people, to be away from the chaos, and to spend evenings and weekends with my friends and my children. That is (was) now my life, and once again, just as you deal with something, and try to make the best of it, another aspect of the disease rears its head. So now I have to deal with HER recovery. When is enough enough?
first off, i'm glad your here, welcome home our new friend! You are not alone, not in what your feeling right now, nor in any of your lifes frustations. It's a really neat thing to find a whole group of people that understand and often times have been in your almost exact situation.
Alanon tells us to keep the focus on us, which is normally the polar opposite of what we were doing before. We learn the 3 c's which are You didn't Cause it, You cant Control it, and you cant Cure it. What your wife has is a disease. It is a 3 fold disease that effects her mind, body and spirit. It is a disease that can be arrested but never cured. It is simular to diabeties in that respect. Even when the alcoholic knows what will happen when they take that first drink, they will do so. This is the insanity they speak of in regards to this disease.
since it's a 3 fold disease, even if your wife gets "sober," she has only arrested the physical part of the disease, but still has 2 active parts left. So in other words, just cause she stops drinking, doesn't mean she's not still an alcoholic with the ism's that come along with it.
The best thing that you can do for you and her and your children is to get yourself into recovery. There are meetings online (the link should be right on this page for the chatroom) and if you call 1-888-4AL-ANON you should be able find a face to face meeting which is invaluable. Alcoholism is a family disease, the whole family needs recovery, but it only takes 1 person in recovery for things to get better.
hope that helped a little, and i hope to see you in the room sometime!
I feel for you, it is very frustrating. However, it also is what IS. This is where things are with your family right now, wishing for a different outcome does no good. Try alanon for a couple of months, see if anything you learn here helps your life get a little better. There are some changes you can make, to help your situation improve. You can accept that you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. Therefore, you can put it down. Her addiction is not your burden to carry. Don't expect anything from her. You won't get anything anyway, so why set yourself up for disappointment? Do what is best for you and the children, without too much worrying about its effect on her. Her addiction controls HER life, it does not have to control yours.
Wow, my December was really bad this year, too! I am glad to meet you, glad you are here.
Keep coming back. You will find the answers you need here. Things did not get back overnight, and they will not get better overnight....but they WILL get better.
