The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I was snowed in for 3 days and I will try to make it to town today. I need more medication for my pre-cancerous cells. The treatment is bearable and I feel very good about taking care of this. My A although sober for a long time has such walls up that it is so hard to talk to him about anything. Everything turns into an argument and "I am going for the divorce" and "I don't want anything to do with you" and "I am going to see how it is on the other side". After 3 days of shovelling snow and trying to find the wood under the snow and doing everything alone that we use to do with our boys, I just said I can't do this by myself. And I asked my A to call me and just be there. I try to focus on myself because guess I just reached my limit of being this mountain woman in this storm. The saving grace was that my female neighbor was also snowed in by herself. We shared food and conversation. I did get to go cross country skiing and it was wonderful.
So I just told my husband that I can't do all this. So I am vulnerable and he of course is mr. anti-dependent. He said get someone else to help you. So I hav asked my male neighbor to help me with heavy things, etc. My neighbor sees my husband and says it's not my job to help your wife. You should help your wife. So my A says of course he will help me even be physical with me and talk to me, but remember "I am still going for the divorce". So I said why can't we negotiate some of this because all that we do or don't do comes from you. He said NO to negotiating. And I just said you know the reason I need help is because you left.
Even as I write this I think that this is insanity on his part and my part. I cried myself to sleep. I don't know if it is fear or pain or grief for my marriage. I love my husband and miss him so much. As I cried I realized that I am allowing him to treat me so poorly. The kind, loving husband and father has been taken over by the disease sober or not. I know this is not good for me and if I allow him to treat me like this then I succumb to my disease.
So I asked my HP what I am suppose to do? I woke up this morning to clear skiies and I am finishing some projects, and allowing myself some time to feel my pain. There is a 2f2 meeting in town and hope the roads are clear and I can make. Thanks for letting me try to figure this out here at MIP.
Nancy
PS It is so hard for me to ask for help. I need your support.
We all need help sometimes and we all need moral support a lot of times.
You need to ask for the help you have to have, you cannot do it all alone.
Your main focus has to be on getting yourself well, both physically and emotionally. He is what he is and nothing will change that. You are more important. You deserve more.
Hi, it sounds like you have such a lot to be dealing with. Just try to take it a step at a time and please be gentle on yourself. I'm sure you're doing the best you can, with what you have right now.
My A and I separated, divorced and finally reconciled. The pain I felt on losing my husband to this disease was indescribable though I know through the program many others have felt it too. I grieved the loss of our marriage, our future, the happiness we had once shared etc. It was a very difficult and fearful time for me. The grieving process was more intense (and lasted longer) than any I had felt when my other loved ones departed this mortal coil. I believe this to be because I could accept that when God calls you home it's time and though I accepted my powerlessness over my husband, I railed against the consequences I felt I was 'forced' to suffer. I felt like a "victim of fate" and couldn't see that I still had choices. I had to give time, time. I hit bottom on several occasions and there were days I wanted to give up and 'go home' myself. With the support in the rooms and my HP's love and guidance, I survived and healed. I truly believe God never gives us more than we can handle and I'd like to think I came out the other side a stronger, happier and a bettter person.
I feel for you. Hang in there. I hope you get your meds and make it to the f2f. You find it difficult to ask for help but you did it, so well done! Focus on yourself and all that you've already achieved, after all it's progress not perfection. With love
(((nmike) sounds like you have had your hands full! It is hard for me to ask for help, I try to do it all myself, and then I end up resentful and sick.
I liked what Ria said, about grieving over the loss of a relationship more than the death of a loved one. I think it is true that the extreme grief we feel is because of the loss of control, because the person we love is still out there, somewhere, using, drinking, whatever.
I have been trying to cope with the grief of my husband also saying he wants a divorce. He keeps saying it, but he hasn't done it yet. He did leave 3 weeks ago tonight, and is staying with friends. But all he took was his clothes, and he calls me sometimes. I believe that is his way of controlling me, keeping me hurting and confused.
But I am going to get better. I am going to work on myself during this time apart.
