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I can't take the rejection, humiliation and bs of this relationship any longer... I called him last nite to talk, but think he is avoiding my calls.. I remained calm and left a message for him to call me back. Until I put closure to this, I can't move on. I would really like to end this in person, but he lives 130 miles from me. Since his last drunk and him putting me down, he has avoided me. I am very angry and can't stand it anymore. I will no longer accept his behavior. He has said " I know you love me " but this is not love on his part. Love should never hurt this much. His love is the booze and nothing more.
He has kept me hooked in his game for a 1 1/2 years now and I feel like my life has been falling apart. Sometimes I blame myself for letting me get to this point as I put up with his crap. I was weak with the boundaries I set, and have been living with so much fear and insecurity. This is so damaging and effects me every day of my life.
I know I have to be strong and need lots of support. He is sick and pathetic and hurts anyone who gets in his way. I ended a relationship with a heavy drinker about 5 years ago and vowed never to be in one again, yet it happened...I am trying to ask myself why do I attract these types of men? It's like they fly with radar and can pick me out of crowd. In the future when I start to date again, any signs of addiction, poof I am gone.
Hurt people hurt people. Chances are he's avoiding you because he's ashamed (in his more saner, sober moments) about how he hurt you, and then of course that may call for a drink to mask the pain. Who knows but you do deserve the best.
Keep posting,
Maria123
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Wow, can I identify with the pain of rejection! Heart feels ripped to shreds.
I keep reminding me this is a disease he has, and only I have the power to decide when I have had enough and can find the strength to walk away.
So far, I have not found the strength yet. He gave me no choice, though. He has been gone 3 weeks tomorrow, living with an A couple, friends of his. It's just party, party, party there. The A guy he's staying with is nice, and his best friend from 1st grade. The wife is the friend's 2nd wife, and I don't like her much. She's loud, bossy, opinionated, and I know that what she tells him is not good for OUR relationship, but I cannot control what she says to my husband. And I cannot control that he is there, instead of here. I miss him, in spite of all the hell we've been through.
He came by last Monday and said "I'm sure you have talked to people...about us....and I'm sure they told you we needed to end it" and I said No, my friends know how much I care, and how good things used to be, and they know I will not end it until I cannot take it anymore. He said most of his friends said we should just get a divorce......figures. All his friends are A's, and they would lose their drinking buddy if he quit drinking! And, of course, they all think I'm strange because I don't get into all the partying that they do.
I just want a calm, peaceful, loving relationship with my husband. Not anger, which he has against me. And sorrow and pain, which I have towards him.
((((((Diane))))) Only you will be able to decide when you can't take anymore. Until then, and afterwards, too, keep coming back. I thought once upon a time that when a previous A was out of my life I didn't need Alanon anymore, but that's not true. I need it, and will always need it if I expect to have any kind of a life.
Wow you couldn't have put it any clearer. He is hurting inside and does hurt me. I talked last evening with a close friend of mine and she said also he is ashamed of what he has done and then he has that next drink to deaden the pain once again. Thanks for your support!
Thanks for the reply and support. I hope things get better for you, sounds like it has been difficult. I have been accused also of being boring and not having fun as I will not drink myself to stupidity. You take care of you and enjoy the day! Thanks again for your encouragement.
Hi, Diane, Thank you for your post. I think your thought about the radar was interesting. The truth is, with our disease, we have our radar out for the alcoholics to come to us, too! Can I ever relate to that. Keep coming back. Find a really good face to face meeting, find a good sponsor, and start to work the steps. They REALLY work, if you work them! The Steps are amazing in how they teach us to set boundaries and to keep the focus on us, so that we really get better. What you are feeling now is a good place to start, since it helped you find the Program! We are so glad you are here. Your being here helps us, too, Diane. Blessings, mebjk
I have always said (at least since I came to alanon!) that if I hadn't ended up with THIS alcoholic, I would have found a differnt one. My disease fit his like a glove. That is why this program is about focusing on you, rather than on him. Eventually you will get healthy enough to not be attracted to the disease in others.
Hi and welcome. I'm not sure if you're attending face to face meetings. For me, it was the key to finding myself. I guess there's someone upstairs sleeping one off on this beautiful Sunday morning. I'm going to meet a friend and we're getting manicures and pedicures, then off to see a sick friend. I hope things are better when I get home, because we had a date to watch the Sopranos tonight. If not, I'll watch them anyway. You can find happiness whether someone else drinks or not - with the help of all the program offers. It's work . Good luck! --- Jill
Sometimes.... "closure" can come from just you.... There may not be a need to involve him in this, if he isn't willing/able to participate..... In a very real way, his avoidance of you may be keeping you hooked.....
Just a thought...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Dear Diane: I think the key is in the limits and boundaries and of course the family of origin work. When I have completed much of my family of origin work I will not be trying to re-work in it in the present. I also practice boundaries like a religion. Recently a friend from work came to my neighborhood. My fantasies were of friendship, camaraderie and more. I did not act on my fantasies (I always did). I set boundaries. I told her I was burnt out (she already knew what). I told her my resources were limited. I gave her what she asked. Then she asked for more.
So my boundaries rolled in. Before I would have acted on my fantasy and my immediate need (loneliness) and let the other boundaries go. I can put in boundaries and limits but I have to practice it all the time. No wonder I did not practice it when I was dating I did not practice it all ever!
'' He is sick and pathetic and hurts anyone who gets in his way. I ended a relationship with a heavy drinker about 5 years ago and vowed never to be in one again, yet it happened...I am trying to ask myself why do I attract these types of men? ''
When I realized and accepted that my A WAS sick and pathetic and very hurtful to others. Then I looked within myself and asked what is lacking in me that I allowed myself to be treated in this manner. That I had not set up boundries and run away as fast as I could... early in the relationship when the red flags appeared.
The next step was to convince myself I was worthy of better treatment. That much of the negative... I had come to believe about myself... was really a reflection of how unhappy my A was... with himself. Did I have issues ? You betcha I did... and still do. The difference in my A and myself is. I'm willing to own my part. I hope to get better... and unless I truly work the steps and heal.... the pattern will continue. My A continues to blame everyone else and find excuses for what is wrong in his life. Until he owns his part he will stay right where he is.
So because my A is not willing to work on change and he IS hurtful , angry and pathetic. I've made the choice as Canadianguy mentioned to bring closure... just from myself. I've accepted that he is not willing to change.
I've removed myself from him and the situation, I'm working on me... the only one I can change.
I'm sorry for your pain and wish you strength and some moments of peace during this rough time in your life.
I understand your feeling of wanting closure. I have found myself at that point more than once in my life. With some really good recovery under my belt though...it's getting better! The one thing that helps me when I find myself feeling angry or desperate, it usually means that the relationship is not fulfilling my needs somehow. It's an internal knowing...deep inside...that I'm worth much more than what I'm getting. I have to determine at that point... what's acceptable (to me) and what's not. When avoidance happens, or I feel 'not valued' enough, it usually means someone or something else (in this case, alcohol) is occupying thier time. This is what is most important to them. Alcoholics are usually self-fulfilling creatures. There are even people out there who aren't alcoholics, but have what I like to call 'the arrogant illness'. These people focus on gratifying thier immediate needs, they lack emotional maturity, and have an inability to make rational judgements. No amount of closure will change 'what is'. In my experience, when people are emotionally unavailable - whether it be do to alcoholism, immaturity, insecurity, etc., the best thing I can do is admit this as fact. Every day I need to remember that I deserve to be loved, cherished and fulfilled just as much as the next guy. I try to apply this to all areas of my life. Bad behavior is bad behavior...period. There is no excuse good enough (alcoholism included) to treat me like crap. The definition of 'crap' is different for all of us. I know that not all alcoholics are mean, but most of them are unavailable. The disease and the person are not seperate.
Closure comes when we are ready to accept the facts as they are presented before us. Once we value ourselves enough, we come to realize that it doesn't do a bit of good to minimize them.
