The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is out of town for the winter, working up north. He's been doing this or some variant of it for years, we are used to it, so that's not the problem (though it is starting to get lonesome).
His mother is very ill, and may be dying. There is a lot of old stuff between him and his sister, and this situation is just bringing it all up to the surface. He called me tonight to talk and for a while it felt just like in the old days, when he was drinking. Paranoid, touchy, seeing the worst, unable to see any way of dealing with things that isn't confrontational, going on and on and on in a negative vein, ignoring any attempt by me to introduce a note of hope or to change the subject. I was starting to get really down, and then he said."The trouble is, I've got problems at work, I can't get to meetings, and this is just too much for me now - I'm Hungry Angry Lonely and Tired!" This flash of insight from him, that he is reverting to old patterns because he is stressed out, made it possible for me to detach enough to not let his mood affect mine. That, in turn, made me able to actually reach out to him in a more helpful way, and we ended our conversation with both of us feelign better, rather than worse.
Things have been going pretty well for us for some time, and I think I was starting to forget that he is still an A, and I still need to use my alanon skills when dealing with him. If I allow myself to be drawn into his mood, or resentful because he won't accept my 'words of wisdom', I am not helping either of us. I can't do anything about his job, or his mother, or his sister. I know that the way he is handling things is not the way I would, but so what? It 's not my problem. What I can do is give him support and love, and let him vent to me, but not for too long. Just because he's falling back into some old patterns doesn't mean I have to.
My boyfriends mother is a real sore point for me. I have not much to do with her. And I have had to learn not to say anything to him. One of the really difficult points for me is that every holiday, every birthday (his) is her province. She is furious if he does something with me. She is not prone to sharing but she certainly expected me to pick up the pieces when he was sick (as did my boyfriend). I have not set adequate boundaries and really got to my own needs around these holidays at all. I have to. I am willing to explore them with my friends.
I am so glad that you can look at your own program and not get lost in your husband's issues. My boyfriend was very ill last year. I almost drowned in my resentment, martyrdom and more. I will never do that again. Now I am so so clear about my needs and limits. I am crystal clear with my friends on what they are. I will work really hard not to overextend myself in that way again. I lost so much over extending myself.
Wow, great insite. It really is too easy when things are comfortable to get lazy in our program. It is wonderful you were able to pick up on old patterns quickly. Just reading your post I knew I'd want to be right in there "fixing it" or making it "better" my way. lol (If he'd just listen--hehehe)
The one thing that I love to hear from couples that both have programs is that you can share/respect that you each have your own program. I understand that sobriety doesn't cure everything and it too has it's challenges but how great it must be to at least be speaking the same language.
Thanks, lin, for that reminder. It always seems so easy to keep the focus out there, instead of on ourselve. I have to be reminded of that every day. It seems as if life offers us the opportunity! Blessings to you, mebjk
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