The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am snowed in in a rural area. I was going to go to town and do some errands and do something nice for myself. I also need more medication for face - pre-cancerous cells treatment. Because of the change of plans I can feel myself trying to sink into self pity and really start blaming my A for leaving me. So shovelling snow by myself and making every fire gets old especially when last year I shared these chores with my husband and my son. Not fair my brain says - he moves to town with all the conveniences and I am stuck here with all the work.
So I want to turn my thoughts around because there is nothing I can do about the snow or my A. This pre-cancerous treatment really makes me look inside myself and say do I really love myself. I look like crap but I know this for a good thing. And it won't last forever. I called my neighbor and she said that she had lots of food and would share it with me (even the chocolate). I have a bunch of unfinished projects around the house that I need to get excited about. And I had hoped to go to a f2f meeting tomorrow but since I can't make it I am going to call my sponsor and ask her to spend some time talking to me on the phone. And best of all my sons in college are spending spring break together on the beach. I am so happy for them.
Thanks for listening and thanks for being there for me. I am learning to "do nothing" when it comes to my A. Hopefully it will snow enough so I can go cross country skiing tomorrow.
I can well understand the feeling sorry for msyelf leaping into resenting the A. I feel the A left so much stuff on me and I chose to pick it up. These days I choose not to pick up so much of his stuff and then resent it. I do not enquire about his finances anymore. I learned not to do that. I do ask him rather than badger him. I also do not discuss my emotions much with him. But he knows I have boundaries now. I make them clear.
I also really do understand the longing for others. I found myself in a whole long fantasy about it with a friend who I worked with last year. She moved into my neighborhood. Then I discovered I needed to have boundaries (like a cement wall) with her. I can let myself go to a fantasy then get back to reality now. Before I was just in fantasy and reality hurt dreadfully. I know my loneliness plays into my not having good boundaries but these days I take responsibility for my loneliness.
I can relate. Those resentments really come when the work load gets heavier, and our schedules get turned around for this reason or that.
It was good for me to read your post, I needed the reminder that I too have several projects that I should get excited about. I just need to start. Funny how I can sit and stew with my resentments of the A for looooong periods of time -- when I could be doing the things I want to do. I learned early in Al-anon, that it boiled down to ME, I was the only one preventing me from doing what I wanted to do. Then he left and I went thru all that all over again, if he were here blah blah blah. Geeze, I could blame him when he was here, and I could blame him when he wasn't. Hmmm, very convenient of me lol
When my schedule or plans get out of wack -- I usually do too Then I try to say "Okay, God you must have something different in mind for me today." Now I'm not always pleasant when I say this, but it helps me to look for the things that I could be doing instead. Sometimes I'm just forced to take a break when I can't get my mega list of errands done. My options are 1) sit and feel frustrated or 2) sit and read a magazine or CAL. I try to move from 1 to 2 pretty quickly lol.
I hope you have a good day tomorrow (that includes lots of great skiing!)
Hang in there Nancy get that scabby face of yours in a book in front of the fire, put your feet up and say well this is my time for me. Haven't started my medication yet probably not until around April. Luv Leo xx
The slogan Live and Let Live from yesterdays reading of ODAT fits today even better... I at my comfy chair reading a romance novel.....staying warm and feelin' good. Take careYOU because "Your Worth IT!"
Enjoy your day... and let all those unsure thoughts... take a hike in the Snow! ((BigHug))
Then I try to say "Okay, God you must have something different in mind for me today." Now I'm not always pleasant when I say this, but it helps me to look for the things that I could be doing instead. Sometimes I'm just forced to take a break when I can't get my mega list of errands done. My options are 1) sit and feel frustrated or 2) sit and read a magazine or CAL. I try to move from 1 to 2 pretty quickly lol.