The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night my A asked how long it would take for me to do this program? Well... It is not a summer school class and I don't have a schedule for graduation.... <sigh> I told her I had spent 41 years getting this way and there is no telling how long it will take me to get back.
She still resents the whole idea...ALOT! I very calmly said that I really do understand why it could bother her. That again, I am not doing this to hurt her or prove a point. I need to do this for me.
She says she only wants to know so she can decide if she should get a 6 mo lease or a 1 year lease on an apartment.
All I could say is, I would rather you stay and see how it goes, but you will have to make up your mind about this.
Needless to say, crying and telling me how, "these people" are not going to teach me how to make HER happy, she just doesn't know who I am anymore........ That was the end of the conversation for me, I went to bed.
Then I read todays reading out of ODAT this morning. (Just got it last week.) I think someone re-arranges the pages just before I read it in order to tell me just what I need to hear when I open it up. LOL
I'm not going to type it into here, but it starts off ... "Why did I come to Al-Anon..."
I am having a crappy day, but that sure helped reaffirm that I am doing the right thing.
Everyone take care....
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
You are doing something for Your very Self. I applaud you and your decision to dedicate time for YOU to find inner peace & happiness ... and for the fact you chose Alanon. Keep working the program. YOUR DOING GREAT!!! Hope to find a sponsor , if you haven't, that can help you further understand working the 12 steps.
((We Got your Back!)) Stay Strong and Keep Looking uP!
There may be no right/wrong in this. It isn't easy to take care of self under these circumstances. Try to trust youself and HP to lead you in a wise direction.
Prayers for you and hope you stay around for support.
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
... that we Al-Anons spend wayyyy too much time and energy hoping and trying to get our A's to bless OUR recovery program.... No matter what way we want to slice it, of course they are going to be fearful and/or resentful of us wanting to get ourselves better, ahead of their decision to do the same for themselves....
A's are masters of focussing on everything ASIDE from their own root issues (as are we, of course!!), so your story is a great example of exactly that.... if she can focus her attention on YOU, it allows her to still blame you for why she drinks, still focus her attention on what YOU are doing (so she doesn't have to accept accountability and responsibility for what she is or is not doing), etc., etc...
This is one of the many reasons we need each other in Al-Anon, to get those reassurances that we ARE, indeed, doing the right thing. Taking care of yourself, and practicing self-care, is always a good thing. It's hard, but my experience is that you are not likely to get that validation from an active A, so it's better not to look for it there...
As to her opening question, of "how long does this program take"..... the very simple answer, of course, is a lifetime!!
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
rtexas, Sounds like you two had a real hard conversation. But the ESH of this Program are that if you keep working it, one day at a time, your HP will change you! Keep on keeping on! mebjk
Hi RTexas! Yes, changing oneself is hard enough! It takes a lot of courage to keep the focus on ourselves when someone close to us has expectations and wants us to make them happy. But there really is only one way to go, if there is to be any hope and sanity! I applaud you for sticking to your program and making that clear to your A how important that is for YOU!
True enough, too, that no-one can put a time limit on how long it takes for us to get better, or the pace we should work at! Only we ourselves can know that! And sometimes even we don't know!
But eventually you get to feeling glad that this is a life-long adventure! Who would want to put a limit on it, or a graduation certificate, when it's all about finding out who you really are and what's truly important to you? To me it's the most exciting thing--this search for one's own authenticity and life-purpose!
Good luck and hang in there--it could just be the best thing that ever happened to your A as well, that you are working a recovery program! But I know we can't have any expectations about when or if they will ever see that. That's something we absolutely have to let go of!!!!
Hello rt = so glad u are staying here they say this is a simple program (right ) but never confuse it with easy. Your right changing is damn hard work but alot more rewarding that trying to change someone else , dontcha think ??
I chuckled at your wifes question wanting to move out until yor thru this program, so sad but cute. I also liked your reply giving her the option of staying and seeing what happens , well done.
I didn't really get the message about the moving out. I do know that my A and I had many many dances of moving out for a long long time. Now that question does not come up because I don't bring it up. I also don't tell him I am even in the program because it is none of his business. I would not discuss the program with him on any level. I have a lot of boundaries with him about money, who can come over, my requests and stuff like that. I do not discuss his drinking with him or his drug use either as it would not work anyways.
... and for the fact you chose Alanon. Keep working the program. YOUR DOING GREAT!!! Hope to find a sponsor , if you haven't, that can help you further understand working the 12 steps.
Stay Strong and Keep Looking uP!