The material presented
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level.
Love and thanks in advance to this wonderful group. My ah has been sober for 5 years, but he has had a slip about once per year. In those times, he has increased meeting attendance, immersed himself with extra meetings with sponsor, etc. but the slips have been huge, once involving violence toward me and another time landing him in jail. We moved to a new area of the country for his job and he has not returned to meetings since our move (6 months). While visiting family for the holiday this weekend, he declined an invitation to go to dinner with extended family and when I returned to my mothers home where we were staying, he was intoxicated and verbally abusive to me. Thankfully, everyone had gone to bed when his verbal abuse started---he was not shouting, but he was saying how much he hates me, I'm a horrible wife, he doesn't want to stay married to me, and then intimidating me by staring at me with a threatening look on his face. Honestly, I was terrified and so worried my family or my kids would witness this. I stayed up until he went to sleep as I was so afraid of this bizarre behavior and of what he might do in this state. (Caveat: my mom helped me leave him before he got sober and has never been fully supportive of us getting back together again, so I was so worried she would see this.) the next day, I acted as if this had never happened. I had to. A perfect show for my family and kids as I did not want anyone to know. He acted the same way too---loving, fun, like normal. No hint or reference at all to what went on the previous night.
Now we are home from the weekend and I don't know what to do. With past "slips" I have cried, set ultimatums, expressed what his drinking does to me, kicked him out, etc. I feel like I've said it all before, though this one was a big deal to me as it happened in my mother's home, and after I have expressed worry about our move and his not re-connecting with meetings in our new state.
Do I address the night with him? What do I say? Do I chalk it up to "that's what you get when you stay married to an alcoholic?" and move on? Ignore it? More ultimatums? honestly, I really want to end this marriage but I can not right now for several complicated reasons. I have set up a "5 year plan" to leave him when my youngest goes to college in 5 years. I'm scared to death this is going to continue and will develop into a situation where I have to call the police. I've always had a target painted on me when he is drinking. I'm not sure I can last 5 years.
Any comments and lots of ESH is appreciated. I too stopped my f2f meetings of Al-Anon when we moved, so my resuming my recovery activities will definitely happen this week. Love and appreciation to each of you.
If you are an Al-Anon member, I strongly suggest you do as you say - return to your meetings, work your program and get a sponsor. If you have boundaries in place, enforce them. If you don't, create some. I have had to call the police and I have had to 'let the family hear' what happens as it's my truth. As far as a 5 year plan, that's an awesome start but I would encourage you work with a sponsor and/or trusted program friends to have a Plan B. This disease doesn't respond well to logic and planning.....that's one thing I do know.
Only you can decide what makes sense for you, your recovery, your sanity and your family. I could not live like that today, but that's because of my work in the program. I did live like that for a long while and it's tough. The program and a great sponsor saved my bacon!!
Keep coming back - you're not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((3little kittens)) that situation does sound very frightening I am glad that you are planing to return to your alanon meetings. Being powerless over people places and things alanon tools did give me the ability to validate myself, stop reacting and to act in my own best interest. I would say what i mean and mean what I say when it comes to the situation you described. You indicated that you plan on leaving when your youngest is grown I know that these "hidden " attitudes can be sensed by others so that . Discussing how you feel and what you need is important.
As I'm sure you know, in Al-Anon we do not give advice except when someone's physical safety is at stake. It does sound to me as if your physical safety might be at stake. We Al-Anoners tend to underplay things and get used to drunkenness and abuse, so sometimes we're not fully alert to when things have crossed the line from chaotic to dangerous. I have to say that the alarm bells are ringing for me right now about your situation. I don't want you to experience any harm! And he sounds out of control and dangerous. The choice not to continue meetings made this tragically predictable. And untreated alcoholism only gets worse, never better. I'm afraid it's very likely that there will be more of these episodes in the future.
I don't know your exact circumstances, but I would think that any amount of difficulty is preferable to the five-year plan ending with you not being alive.
As you know also since you've been in the program, talking to an alcoholic about his addiction doesn't get us anywhere. The Three C's: We didn't Cause it, we can't Cure it, we can't Control it.
I think if I were in your shoes I would develop an escape plan. First, make sure that he cannot get at your browser history or find your emails. Maybe use the computer only from the public library. Then start stashing away some money in a bank account at a new bank, so that you have something to sustain you if you have to make a quick escape. Maybe keep some clothes for you and the kids at another location, and also important papers.
I hope you can let a trusted friend in on what's been going on. Part of the abuser's power is trying to enforce that don't-tell "rule." But the saying is "You're only as sick as your secrets." It would be excellent if you had a friend or two who would be willing to open her door to you at a moment's notice if you had to make a quick break with your kids in the middle of the night. I know I would certainly do this for a friend. If your friends aren't understanding, maybe you will meet some more understanding people at the local Al-Anon meeting. You may also wish to let your mother in on the secret, if she would not be too harsh or judgmental. However, your A knows where she lives, so that might not be a safe place to take refuge.
You may also benefit from being in contact with the local domestic violence shelter. They probably have counselors who can advise you on how to best provide for your safety. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is http://www.thehotline.org/.
I hope you can find a good local meeting and take very good care of yourself. And we are always here for you on this site. Hugs.
I am with Mattie on this one. If you're feeling afraid for your physical safety, take it seriously and start taking steps to get out safely. At very least, as she suggests get an escape plan in place.
