The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Greetings. I am new to the group. I a married a recovered alcoholic 2 yrs ago. He is a good man and we have a good marriage but I don't really understand how a recovered alcoholic thinks, or what they feel. He has some controlling tendencies and other issues that I've heard are linked to being a recovered alcoholic. Sex is mechanical and hurried and there are ED issues. He is 61 but in great shape, athletic, etc. and in better shape than most men half his age. It seems there is a large part of his past that he refuses to discuss, and I get the feeling that he is hiding something yet he gets angry when I try to get him to open up
Welcome Gypsy GIrl Alcoholism is a 3 fold disease it affects people physically, emotionally and spiritually Recovery is a process aided by attending AA meetings and practicing the program.Stopping drinking is the first step.
Living with someone suffering from the disease, is at times difficult. Alanon is the recovery program for family members. Here we learn and accept that we are powerless over people, places and things. We learn new tools to live by and accept that we only can change ourselves our expectations and actions.
Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the whie pages Keep coming back. There is hope and help
Hmm, sounds a bit like my current boyfriend who is not an alcoholic (well, everything except the ED issues but sex can be a bit mechanical for us....he likes to say that he's a bit vanilla in the bedroom, lol, and we get a good laugh out of it). The ED issues are probably age related and I would gently suggest he see a doctor about testosterone testing. I'm not sure we can do much about aging, even if he is in great shape.
As for dealing with the past, well that is tough one, but you may just have to accept him as he is and be grateful if and when he does open up. Honestly, I think some people feel that talking about the past is wasted breath and energy. My mom and grandmother do the same thing. They like to focus on the present and possibilities in the future and they get frustrated if I bring up the past.
As for whether any of this is related to underlying alcoholic traits, only you can assess that. As Betty said, you could try Al Anon and see if it helps you learn to live a more harmonious life with this man.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
These things may be alcoholism-related - sometimes they are, but there are also non-alcoholics who have them. One thing, though, is that if he's been sober for 25 years, he's likely done all the changing he's going to do. So it's a "what you see is what you get" situation. He doesn't get a free pass because he's been through alcoholism and recovery (if he's done recovery) - the effect on you is still the same.
One thing that has gotten me in trouble and pain over the years is that I wanted tools to cope with my partner's inadequacies. I remember trying so, so hard to cope with my resentment. I diagnosed myself with an anger problem and I read books, I did workshops, I got therapy, I tried so hard not to be angry. I thought "If only I could just get rid of this defect where I get angry."
What I see now was that I was angry at very real deficiencies in the relationship. He couldn't step up and be the caring, responsive partner I deserved. I thought anger was my problem, but really my failure to act on my anger was my problem. I should have realized that it was right and self-protective to feel pain and disappointment that he was only half a partner. Instead of letting go of the relationship, I stayed and felt guilty because I couldn't talk myself into accepting the abuse.
Only you know what is right for your situation. Please take what you like and leave the rest. Hugs.
Hey Gypsygirl - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you shared!
I am a double-winner (AA & Al-Anon) and am sober 28 years. I would have to say that recovery is a personal journey and while we share many common experiences and emotions, I am not sure that any of my 'mannerisms' are attributed to my disease. When I look at my strengths and defects today, more are relative to my upbringing that to my disease. So, you would not convince me (as one of a million members) that the disease is the cause of any current behaviors, beyond the daily compulsion to think a drink would make everything better.
Both programs encourage the member to work on themselves and improve themselves. Both suggest that we are powerless over other people, places and things. Both program suggest we have to accept that which we can not change, so by default we are taught that all we can change is ourselves.
There are so many causes of ED it is not worthy of a discussion here. As far as sex goes, I had no issues with it when I was drinking and no issues with it since I have been in recovery. Everything worked well before and continues to work today....LOL...
We all have pasts. There are huge parts of mine that are unknown to family, husband and close friends. Partly because of shame and mostly because it's a closed chapter. The program allows me to let my past go, and not relive, not dwell on it, etc. Men and women are so very different in how we see, process and relate, but with regards to private parts of my life, I've opted to align myself with my male friends - only disclose what I feel is necessary at the time. I aim to build relationships today based on honest, comfortable communication. Not what I can get and not what I can give, but rather some common ground that matters to me.
I used to think that just because I was passionate, others who were not were 'less than'. I used to think it was right to be perfectly and brutally honest always, well - I've changed my tune as I've aged. I used to get perfectly annoyed at people who were not on time as I value being punctual. Guess what - many of my great friends today are never on time. I have learned to lower my expectations more in line with the rest of the world to expand my relationships and it works. I can not work a program that asks for progress instead of perfection, and then expect perfection from others - I will be sorely disappointed over and over and over again, and probably lonely.
So, beyond suggesting you give Al-Anon a try to understand more about the disease, I might suggest you consider what's working and good vs. what's missing and not good. You met and married this man for a reason...does that reason still apply?
Glad you're here - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Gypsy and welcome to the board...interesting post as it brought back many recovery process memories for me one main one being my egotistical self centeredness which was so endowed and ingrained I didn't know it existed and would deny it when it was brought up by others. It takes others to see and hear the real us and thank God for the others because in the program they come with love. For me I was so focused on the "She's the one" (wife) to blame for all of the hardships in my life until I started learning the inventory stages of the program...I eventually arrived at "She could never have been responsible for all of that...I had a former wife to blame in like manner" I wasn't looking at me and needed to. My beliefs and understandings were flawed because I was not in being responsible mode...everyone else was responsible and of course the outcomes were always trouble to me.
My wife was not responsible for my happiness or sadness or any mental and emotional baggage I came with...that was my stuff and while my reactions to them might have made her uncomfortable from time to time she wasn't required to accept that. When I took the attitude of "leave it alone" she got hurt. When she could not bring me a solution...she got hurt. She didn't like my silence and wanted me to talk about it when I wanted not to with anyone including her. She thought "good times" were normal and "suppose to be" and I was learning that life just wasn't that way for anyone not on some joy juice. I am also a double in both programs and I know the consequence of using "joy" juice.
In your husbands life and recovery you are a new comer and as Iamhere says you are inside of "his" personal journey. There are parts of that journey you will never be attached to "just because" they are his alone. Allow him to be him and live your own life. I am married again (3rd time) with this marriage being longer than the two before it collectively. The reason is of course the program. I love my wife dearly and deeply and don't need her. I can live my life without her and like having her a part of it. We do not control each other or make undue demands outside of respect and consideration and partnership. She doesn't need me either and we do this thing called married life very well.
25 years of sobriety is a power trip...a higher power trip...God as he understands God. My wife comes somewhere below higher power. Keep coming back and trust this MIP family. (((((hugs)))))
