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I'm currently working on setting my boundaries with my addict live in boyfriend. I have been writing them down for myself, but I am having a hard time. I know that my boundaries are spastic to me and my situation but I would like to hear some of the boundaries you all have set.
Boundaries..whew..umm well its hard for me not to help people..if you're stuck on the side of the road..I'm on my way..But if you're situation is caused by you being high..I can't help ya. My guy (haven't heard from him since Monday) sent me a text a few hours ago saying "sorry I haven't been in touch..was in an accident on the bike". I immediately called..and could tell he was high..His mess and I have to love him from across the street..
Dunno if that helps..there are lots of people on here that are smarter than me lol
I would like to hear your boundaries, if you are stuck because you don't know what they are we can help. My boundaries are personal, because they only have to do with me and my life, which is very different from yours and others. I can tell you that boundaries are for you, not your qualifier.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Thank you well..... I'm just note sure whats a boundaries and what not. I get if you come home high you cant sleep in bed with me. But what about other thing like. You can not speak disrespectful to you me. You cant come in and out of my life whenever you want. You have to start pulling your weight financially. Are these even boundaries? I feel a bit overloaded with things I'm not ok with and what the correct way to deal with the situation is if my needs are not met.
Boundaries have to have consequences you control. So "If you speak abusively to me, you have to apologize" is not something you can control. But "If you speak abusively to me, I will not stay in the room/let you into my house/etc." is something where you can control the consequences. But you have to make very sure that they are consequences that you can and will enforce. In my experience, as soon as I set a boundary (if I told him about it), he would violate it. I think he was seeing if I was serious. And when I followed through, he would do his utmost to get me to change back and let him do the thing I had drawn the boundary about.
But the other thing is that you don't have to tell him the boundary. You can just follow through on the consequences (leaving the room, not inviting him over, even leaving the relationship - whatever you feel is appropriate). Again he will get you to try to change back. That is why it helps to think a lot before setting a boundary, to make sure that enforcing the consequences is the right action for you to take and stick with.
I think that boundaries are not like rules you would set for an individual, say for instance a teenager. When it comes to an alcoholic/addict the focus, within the guidelines of Al-Anon, should always be on you, not the qualifier. So for instance, if you want him to stop talking bad to you, you need to detach and overcome your ego to be always right (because it is futile and unproductive) and without prior warnings, just say I do not like the way you are talking to me and ask the A to leave, or you leave the room or the house. Detachment plays a huge role in effective boundaries. Here are a few Al-Anon slogans that are helpful:
QTIP: Quit Taking It Personally ANGER= A Negative Grudge Endangers Recovery EGO = Edging God Out JADE = I dont have to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain to anyone WAIT = Why Am I Talking
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
This is an substance free home - if you bring substances into my home, you will have to move out. (For my adult children as my home is a substance free home)
If you raise your voice or curse at me on the phone, I will end the conversation. (For all three including my AH)
If I feel disrespected by your words or actions, I will remove myself. (For all three, and gives me options to use my judgement for if/when I feel unsettled. Also, gives me freedom where I go - bedroom, drive away, walk, etc.)
I do laundry on Wednesdays. If you want your clothes washed, please deliver them to the laundry room by Tuesday evening. (For all 3, they aren't allowed to use my washer/dryer)
My AH has a separate room to sleep in so I don't have to set boundaries for him coming around me under the influence. He's smart and tends to hibernate in the man cave when he's actively drinking.
Hope this helps.....as stated above, boundaries are for self-protection purposes. They need to be designed so that you can take action without expecting them to do so or change what they are/are not doing.
Great job starting on this. Mine change as needed - example, when I told my boys they could not bring substances into my home, they decided it was OK to leave them in the car or in the yard or.....I had to expand the boundary to be property (my)...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Some of mine:
If its brought into my house I will dispose if it irrespectve of who's it is. This is a drink & drug free zone.
I will not speak to them when drunk. family members also adhere to this rule now they understand.
They are not allowed to be in my house house or around our child when drunk so if they try they will be asked to leave. (Enforced today)
If they work thier programme I will support in anyway I can if asked.
Once I got conned into a bbq where there was no food. Actually, ive attended a lot like that. But this one was relevant, re boundaries. Id said over and over again, I will not have our kids, particularly daughters,around drinking and drunks. Anyway, we ended up at this no grill but cartons of beer bbq. And prior to arriving, idd clarified Tha there wasn't any drinking. Of course there was. And the moment I saw him down one, he offers me one too. I could have killed him with my eyes. Instead I called a cab, and we came home. It was difficult because there were friends there and they offered a bed, and one even said, oh your daughter can stay. I don't like to be away from my babies I told her and it was awkward. But staying in the situation would have made me feel worse. Of course I wanted him to apologise and come home too, or to throw something at him, but the first was not my choice and the second is abusive. Boundaries are ongoing. A good rule of thumb is, is it something I am prepared to follow with? If not, its a threat and threats don't work. Start small. Good luck and keep coming back.
I have a boundary of topics I will talk about. I know that some of them will only lead to an argument, so I absolutely refuse to talk. It sometimes gets real quiet and I leave the room.
The hubby has not had a drink in 15 years, but if he ever came home drunk he would not stay. I have a hard time with his sleeping aids. I don't know when he is using them, but if anything happened during the night I would not bother to try to wake him if he were passed out.
I simply am not "nice" when I know there is any substance abuse. I don't put up with crap or abuse anymore like I used to.
I simply am not "nice" when I know there is any substance abuse. I don't put up with crap or abuse anymore like I used to.
lol I'm not either..it took my ex husband almost killing me before I left smh! People that know me now are shocked when they hear what I went through. I'm not that same scared mouse that I was back then. I know I am worth much more than physical or emotional abuse.
I let my guy know on the first date that I would not stand for abuse..I won't hit you..you don't hit me!
My boyfriend has never been physical with me. There have been times when he has said some very mean things to me when I confronted him on some of his issues. At this time I'm not looking at the past and I cant do anything about these things unless they arise again. One of my boundaries is that I will not allow him to be disrespectful and hurtful.
I'm just learning to set boundaries so this is a great. The best boundaries I ever set were these two. I will not engage in any serious discussion when you have had even one drink.
I have the right to end any discussion when I see fit and walk away. Speaking disrespectful to me will result in this every single time.
I have to enforce the consequences every single time he pushes my boundaries but it does work.
My life is much calmer with these boundaries.
KT2015 - I am new to setting boundaries too. I too will not engage in any serious conversation after the bottle is opened. It makes some things very difficult when decisions should be made, but it has taught me to make better decisions and to wait and not rush decisions as well. I also exercise my right to end a conversation that is unproductive or disrespectful on either side. Sometimes I feel my snarkiness coming out and I have to end the conversation or risk being unkind. I know it will get easier to see the right thing to do as I practice the principles of Al-Anon in all my affairs.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Boundaries are Not rules for the A to go by but rather actions I have decided to take should certain situations occur. They are based on principles I wish to live by and rights I believe ever individual is entitled to.
I do not engage in drama. (I will remove myself..emotionally and or physically if need be from any such situation) I can take a bubble bath, listen to music with earplugs or have a cup of coffee at a local Waffle House nearby where I live. It is open 24/7 and has security cameras. I have bought several hours of serenity for the price of a newspaper and a cup of coffee.
I do not engage in conversations where people do no use their "indoor" voice or those that involve name calling, profanity or the like. I can simply put up my hand (like stop) and walk away..or hang up the phone. The conversation may or may not resume at a later time when I am informed my boundary can be respected.
I do not LOAN MONEY or my Vehicles. Simply because it interferes with my serenity. It causes me anxiety and worry so why dial pain? What I may (keyword) do is offer you a way to earn money. I live on a farm and there are often chores with which we can use help. I will pay a fair wage for service or will provide a service (like a ride..) in exchange for a service. I Always have a floor that needs swept or mopped, or a vehicle that needs detailing. I also find that a statement of "Glad you stopped by, I could use some help with"....has a tendency to sort out those who only are in my presence for self-serving reasons :)
No is a complete sentence and I do not JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend nor Explain). If you are ASKING me a question, I am free to answer yes, no or maybe and you will accept any of those as an answer. If you will not accept No or Maybe as an answer..I have come to realize you are really NOT asking, but making a Demand. I do not demand well. I have learned that a simple "No" followed silence makes the asker more uncomfortable than me. If they ask why..or why not..and I Choose.. to answer the answer is often"whatever reason that you will find acceptable enough to accept by answer, will do" followed by a smile..
The statement of Do me a favor is automatically followed with "Do I owe you a favor?" "No", "Good I'm glad we got that settled"..response when dealing with qualifiers. I deal with healthy people in a different manner than I do those who are active in substance abuse.
I try to be fair, peaceful and dependable. I am hardworking and trustworthy. I value my time and do not care to waste it engaging in futile activities that cause me anxiety. I like to LIVE and let live (placing emphasis on the first part of that slogan).
Boundary setting is a process-we get better at it with practice. Start small and watch your self-respect (and that for others) grow.
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IF you can not be a good example; then you will just have to be a horrible warning
My boyfriend has never been physical with me. There have been times when he has said some very mean things to me when I confronted him on some of his issues. At this time I'm not looking at the past and I cant do anything about these things unless they arise again. One of my boundaries is that I will not allow him to be disrespectful and hurtful.
They don't like when you challenge them. This is a good boundary to start with. You can just walk away and leave the room when he starts to be disrespectful/hurtful. Setting boundaries is hard but worth it if it maintains your serenity and sanity.
When I was living with my A, this was one of my boundaries: If you get a second DUI, we will need to separate. He did, and I moved out (since he refused leave).
