to those wives who have div their AHs - Al-Anon Family Group

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

to those wives who have div their AHs

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((TOC)) you are sounding stronger and more courageous . I know I had to leave for a time because (like) you, I really thought I might kill.him.
I will let others share on this topic but I would like to caution you that his talking about taking care of your daughter and his actually" taking "the full responsibility to do this all alone, is something else. He knows this is your weak spot and he will attack you on it whenever he can. I would simply suggest you talk about these issue later on down the line when things calm down
I would state what you want and leave it at that -- no negotiations

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Ocean I agree that you sound strong. I was glad that I got an attorney of my own. I knew my interests were being protected. My ex suggested sharing an attorney. I wouldn't have it. The first thing my attorney told me was to no longer discuss things with my soon to be ex. My attorney said, "It's business now, let his attorney call me about anything concerning him." This is just my experience, Ocean. It took me awhile to pay off the attorney but I also knew I had someone who was in my corner only. That was very important for me. (((hugs))) TT

YARNCRAZY · Senior Member

this is a hard time for me also. i have to live with him til i get my pension check which should be very soon. However, i am finding it had to find a place because
1- i dont drive so have to beg alanon fiends or my bro-in law to help
2 it is terribly expensive here even it the outer areas to find afordable houses and because of that.enourmous population wait lists on low cost housing is years.
3 im laid off so have to find sympathetic manage to see the pension savings and not pay stubs to let me in
soooo have to deal with ah's craziness,critisim etc til then........

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

This will require some energy and figuring out, but it is do-able.

Now is probably the time to get a good lawyer. I found one by asking all my friends for a recommendation. Or maybe Legal Aid is available in your town. Sometimes you can just get an hour's worth of consultation at a time. But once you have a lawyer, then when you move out you can immediately file for divorce, assuming that feels right for you. The value of that is that they will generally or often date child support payments to that date. So if you file for divorce on November 15, and the divorce doesn't come through until June 15, as of June 15 you will be owed child support all the way back to November 15. (I'm just making these dates up as examples.)

Here's why I'd suggest not sharing custody 3 nights/4 nights. I am not a lawyer or an authority, but I have seen a number of divorces in similar situations.

1) An alcoholic is not someone who should be in charge of a child. Sometimes they can keep it together and act responsibly for a few hours (though sometimes not). But 3 days in a row - what are the chances that your A can be sober, responsible, remember to get your child to school or wherever she has to go, not drive drunk, get her meals, not get sloppy drunk in front of her or yell or pass out or have drunken friends over or any of those things? My A couldn't do it. And she may go through a lot of horror before you catch on, because he will be telling her 'Now don't tell I'm doing this.' And then to get the custody agreement changed, you'll have to go back to court and have a big battle and it will be more expensive, etc.

2) He may say that he wants custody of her, but may not do it when it comes time. A child is a big responsibility for someone whose main focus in life is drinking. My A could never keep his focus on our child for very long. He didn't want it said that he was neglectful of his child, but he actually wants someone else to carry the weight. He just wants the fun visitation now and then. So it is very possible that whatever he intends now, in practice you will be the main caregiver. But if you split the custody 3/4, you won't be awarded any or much child support, because the custody is supposed to be nearly equal. So you could be doing most of the caregiving, but getting no child support to help you do it!

Notice that if he has 4 nights custody and you have 3 nights, the same could happen, only even worse. You could end up actually doing it, and yet you could be paying him child support.

It is relatively easy to get an arrangement in place now. But it is much harder to get it changed once the decree is final. You can always start with full custody, and give him more informally if he shows he can handle it. No one would prevent you. But if he's supposed to have 3 nights and he's too drunk to handle them, and you keep her home (as you should), he could make a big legal fuss.

3) It is very disruptive for a child to move back and forth that much.

I wouldn't let a child overnight with an alcoholic. Too much can go wrong in that time.

I split up from my A when our son was 3. Our arrangement was that my A sees his son on Saturday afternoons, and other times by arrangement. Sometimes when he's arrived, I knew he was not safe, and I sent him away again. He lives one block away so no driving is involved. That was what seemed safe to me.

Take good care of yourself and your daughter. You do not owe your A anything. You owe your daughter safety and a stable home.

Doingmybest · Senior Member

Mattie, that was some truly excellent information and so very, very true!

My ah (6+ months recovery) had two kids from his previous marriage. Yes, I admit, I was a liar and a cheat too (as so many others have admitted here). Sorry, but I feel it is something I should not hide. I made my peace with this horror many years ago and only rarely dwell on it now (20+ years married). I always blamed my wrong behavior for the death of my four babies (God, I wanted them so badly, but sadly it was not meant to be.). I do have a wonderful daughter now that is truly a blessing and holds both of our hearts in her hands (as well as so many other people's hearts because I have been blessed with such a wonderful child - kind of like our Mel here).

Anyway, my AH was only "dry" once before for 6 months, but he never worked the program until now. He was a "wonderful" father in his head, but the truth was that I was the one who took care of them for all those years and they hate me now. I don't even know why really, except "mama" did a lot of hateful things and spent a lot of energy talking negatively about me. I don't worry about it anymore since I started working my program. But, the preceding years were HELL and no matter how hard I tried (I would say we, but in retrospect I was the one trying while he did his own things. You know how that goes too with an ah and the over-giving, over-compensating crap that happens because "he" felt guilty for leaving them. Lord, the money we spent on trying to get custody later (now I honestly wonder why we bothered because when they were finally 14 and could decide where they wanted to live, they decided they DIDN'T LIKE OUR (i.e. MY) RULES). Things like brush your teeth, wash your hair, bathe, clean you room, don't skip school, do your homework. Again, I'm sure many of you understand this too.

Back to the point: if this separation/divorce is what you truly want (and you have certainly said that it is)~please, please, please get GOOD legal counsel. It is so very important that your daughter not be subjected to the disease of alcoholism any longer than absolutely essential. My own daughter is a teen now and just yesterday I saw her use manipulative "alcoholic" tools to try to get what she wanted. I get that she is a teen and needs to grow up and "separate" from parents to become her own healthy person, but the "tools" she has learned from us (both AH and ME) have not shown her the right way to handle getting what she wants or needs. We I are working greatly with her to overcome the obstacles and to help her recover from the damage we did during the crazy town life she knew.

She often feels lonely, but withdraws into herself. And, her anxiety and perfectionism border on debilitating at times. WE caused these problems and now we have to help her overcome them because it is what parents do! (Or rather should do).

Lawyers have seen cases like yours hundreds, if not thousands, of times depending on how long they have practicing law. You may want to interview the attorney to make sue you are not getting another AH to represent you (unless they are in full recovery) because the attorney will be able to lead you where you need to go and will know how to help you (and your daughter) to get what is fair and just.

Often I my state, children in the middle of custody battles are assigned a guardianadlitem (which is a court ordered person to represent ONLY the child's best interest). This person interviews the child (often more than once) and makes a report to the judge on what they feel is best for the child. They have absolutely no interest in the adults or their feelings and seek only to protect the child and give him/her the best chance for a "normal, healthy life after divorce". There is no need to be scarred of them, but hubby may not be too happy because he and his affairs are not going to look too good to someone who doesn't care about him in any way. These people have heard it all. Also, the judge does take the report and recommendations into serious consideration when making custody, visitation, child support, and other decisions for the final decree. You can also search srate resources on the Internet to see what/if you or your daughter is eligible for assistance at this time. Also, the school counselor will often be able to lead you in a positive direction for services for your child.

I know this is a lot to think about, but perhaps the research will give your mind something else to think about and help to keep the AH obsessions in control during your very stressful time.

All my Best!

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

I had a very good divorce lawyer who watched my
Back. She kept the emotions and feelings out of the
Equation. As was said earlier it is down to business
Now, do not talk to each other. Talk to your lawyers.

The whole process is an emotional overload. I was
grieving and not functioning well on any level. It
Was a terrible ordeal. We were both insane crazy.
i was much more mature and dealt with things.

Xah was living with his AA gf and momma.

We do not speak or see each other now. He
Has his possessions and debt. We are not done
Yet hopefully he can refi to get my name off and
Pay me the rest. He has two years or house and
Dock sell. I do not want to tangle with him again.

During the divorce we coshared the property,home
And money. It was controlled but lots of rage
And anger on both sides. We did not play dirty
Tricks or nasty messages. There needs to be some
maturity or pretend civility to make it thru it.

I still struggle coming to terms with it. Who was
This person i thought so highly of and loved
unconditionally. I go to divorce care too that
Helps a lot to be with others struggling and they
Are religious usually. Having faith and strengh
From God was a blessing and i found my soul
Again.

(((( oceancalls)))))

-- Edited by Mirandac on Saturday 31st of October 2015 10:24:56 AM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Holy COW I admire anyone who had the strength and fortitude to live with their STBAX's .. for me that wouldn't have worked in fact had he wanted the divorce to go in his favor he would have refused to move out and made the kids and I move out. I soooo would have been in prison orange big time.

During my time with him where I knew things were not ok .. I stayed very close to my sponsor, meetings, lit and church, which I need to get back into It helped me keep things in perspective and while in the situation see where things were and were not ok .. trust me a whole lot was not ok.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this because it's ugly, confusing and hurtful is putting it mildly. I only hope that you can find little and creative big ways to take care of yourself. Self care, being gentle with yourself is soooo important and this goes out to all of you folks who are dealing with similar situations .. it's not easy.

I will say the light at the end of the tunnel is I am so not the same person I was when this journey started and for that I am soooo incredibly grateful.

Keep coming back,

S :)

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